scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 16 - re-entering

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

***

It's been too long — 11 months — but that doesn't make it easier. The longer he goes on without him, the more painful it becomes, and the more guilt he feels. It hurts a lot, but it's not the only thing he thinks about anymore. Katsuki has been going back to classes regularly in the last few weeks, he finally made it a whole week without skipping a class. His physical training is regulated now, All Might has organised a fair schedule that won't overwork him. His written exams are less good. But he'll manage. Five weeks until exams, eight weeks until the end of his second year at U.A., he made it this far. He'll prove he would've make Izuku proud, he will keep their promise, fulfil their childhood dream. And when he does, he'll allow himself to open the sealed letter on his desk.

It might be weird, but it wasn't Shitty Hair or Dunce Face who helped him through the hardest periods last months, though they did help a lot. It was half-and-half, four-eyes and pink cheeks. They felt guilty too, they still do. They were Izuku's closest friends yet they didn't notice. Bakugou wants to prove it wasn't their fault at all, but he can't. He still hasn't told anyone about what he said that day, he couldn't. He might take those words to his grave, regretting their meaning until he takes his last breath.

The only thing he does in the next five weeks is study, study and study. When last year it was him teaching Shitty Hair, the roles are now reversed. Shitty Hair is a terrible teacher, mainly because he doesn't understand it either, but it doesn't matter to Bakugou. Aizawa arranged extra classes for him anyway, he made sure he'd be able to keep up after all that has happened.

He studies every day except one. No one studies that day. On April 30th, marking one year since Izuku's death, everyone of class 2A gathers together in the common area. They lit candles and sit together in silence, a comfortable one. Some students silently sob, others take on the comforting role. Katsuki sits next to Kirishima. And every time he sees the images of that day flashing through his mind, Kirishima reassures him he's there with him. They're all in this together, they'll all help each other through it. "That's what friends do."
And for the first time in a very long time, Bakugou smiles "Thank you.". Even though that reaction attracts a lot of attention, no one gives a response. It's been a long time since Katsuki felt like this. It's a comfortable and warm feeling of home. His last time feeling like this might've been with his green-haired friend when they were still children. Thinking about it makes him feel vulnerable and weak, but if it's here, it's okay. He'll allow himself to be vulnerable for once.
"Can I say something?" He attracts everyone's attention. Some give him a reassuring nod, others wait in patience. Katsuki tries forming a sentence, but ends up stuttering a few words that don't make sense combined. When he's about to sit down again, thinking he can't do it yet, Kirishima stands up next to him, "We're here for you, dude. Take your time. It's fine if you're not—."
"I am." Katsuki says sharp, "I am ready." He looks around, everyone continues to stare at him, waiting for him to start. "About a week before it happened, I found out Izuku wasn't doing well, mentally. He had been hurting himself and starving himself. Some of that might've been because of me. I told- no- promised him I'd protect him him, save him. But I failed. I realised it too late. I hadn't realised what he was up to. When I did, I didn't know where he'd do it. And when I knew that, I was too late." Katsuki tries not to cry, he tries not to open up, he needs to stop himself, but the words flood out without a thought. The emotion in his voice keeps increasing, it hurts so much, but he needs to get it off his chest "I can still see it happening, there hasn't been a day where I haven't seen his lifeless body in front of me, there hasn't been a day where I haven't seen how I was a second too late to save him, an inch too far to grap him, to break his fall. I couldn't. It doesn't matter where I look, I keep seeing his face! There's no escaping it and-" he's shouting now, trying to overpower his breaking voice, trying to keep strong "and-" he  slaps his hand in his face, trying to keep the tears in. It's impossible to get it off his mind. Even now he can still see Izuku on the couch, sitting in between Uraraka and Todoroki, laughing with his fake smile, trying to convince them everything is fine. "and I'm lost. There's no escaping the past, it keeps following you around like a body follows its legs. They can run wherever, they can try to hide, but the body will always be there. I'm just tired of running, but I'm afraid of standing still." The tears have started to fall, he tries to wipe them away, but they keep coming. He eventually gives up and stares at the floor instead, trying not to make eye contact with anyone "Is it normal to feel guilty for moving on?"
He awaits and answer. He doesn't get one. It's as if everyone is holding their breath, scared to move even an inch. They don't know how to respond. They've never seen this side of Bakugou before, they hadn't realised just how much impact Izuku's death has had on him.
"I'll be up in my room." Katsuki announces. He said too much, they all know now. He should've kept quiet, he should've shut up. He's an idiot.

He enters his room, Izuku's ghost is waiting there, a zombie staring at him. "That's what you wanted, isn't it? You wanted me to make friends, to open up, to become the same person I was as a kid: small and weak. Right?" The hallucination doesn't respond, of course it doesn't. Izuku is dead, he can't speak to him. "It feels good though." Bakugou admits. Even though he knows the hallucination isn't real, he hopes that if Izuku is watching him from the afterlife, he'll hear him and be proud. "I haven't felt this relieved in years. Even my training couldn't give me this much peace. So thank you. And I'm sorry. For failing you, and for moving on. I can't be waiting forever until you come back, but I promise I'll make you proud. Izuku, I'll save everyone, I swear."