scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 20 - the longawaited letter

"One side of me might've been scared for what's in it. If it isn't as much as I suspected, if it leaves some questions unanswered, then what do I do? How will I move on? The other side of me knows that once I open it, once I read it, nothing new will be left, it'll all be over. And that thought is scary on its own."

-Katsuki Bakugou

***

After a long and draining day, 'hero' Kacchan closes the door behind him. He isn't sure whether the public still deems him hero-worthy, but the people he needed to hear it most from, have spoken.
Inko called him right after his confession. She was sad, of course, and most of all disappointed. Disappointed that he didn't tell her personally and that she had to find out through television. She forgave him much faster than he could've ever hoped for.
Some of his former classmates who happened to be near, like Shoto and Iida, stopped by too. Shoto was quiet for a long time, then said he knows Katsuki regrets it, so he'll forgive him. Like he knows Izuku would've. Iida had the same, rambling about the fact that they're friends and always will be, even if Katsuki denies it. He too said he'd forgive him like Izuku.
Katsuki got a few texts and missed calls, too. Kirishima texted that he's proud of him, telling him he's come a long way. The rest of the texts belong to his other former classmates. A few are mad, most of them are sad, but besides all that, they tell him they'll forgive him. The missed calls are from All Might and Eraserhead. He ignored them. Katsuki assumes they won't be as forgiving as his classmates, so he'd rather procrastinating talking to them for now.
His day has been a roller coaster full of ups, downs and loopings. I guess you could say that for his whole life, too. But the ride is about to come to an end.
There's one big obstacle left. He finally feels ready to open the letter he's been afraid to read for the past years.

He sits down on his couch, opening the envelope saying 'Kacchan'. He scans through the words written down. It's all familiar handwriting. A bit of the ink is somewhat blurred, Katsuki can only guess it's been because of Izuku's previous tears. He slips his finger past it. His thoughts and emotions from the past years come all rushing back: guilt, sorrow, frustration. If only...
And he's afraid. He's been waiting to read this letter for years. What if it isn't what he expected to be? What if it leaves questions unanswered? Up until now, the words and sentences in the letter have been like pandora's box: both there and not there. But the moment he reads it, he opens the box, revealing the truth that has been hiding there all along.
He knows now is the right time.

'Dear Kacchan. I'd like to apologise right now, but I know you don't like it when I do that, so I won't for your sake. My life wasn't the best, but I can't say that it was bad either. I've had thousands of moments of happiness and love in my life, some of them coming from you. Like playing 'hero and villain' when we were younger or building the treehouse (it sure wasn't our biggest achievement when it fell down and broke).
Remember that time you fell down into the water? I ran after you, trying to help you, but you shoved my help away. Back then, I didn't understand why, but I think I do now. You've never been good with expressing your emotions, everything you felt turned into anger. So when I tried helping you, even though I was statistically less powerful than you, you didn't know what to think and got mad because you didn't know how to handle that emotion, and that's fine. You can't be good at everything, even when you're a perfectionist.
I keep straying from the actual subject, that's because I don't know how to handle my own emotions right now either. I've been planning my death for months and I guessed everything would stay the same: worthless and meaningless. I thought I'd be able to live my last few months as an useless nobody, but this last week made me question all of that. And all of that was because of you. You tried helping me, even if it was in your own stupid way. You apologised to me, even when you've never apologised to anyone before. You cared about me when no one else would, you gave me meaning in my last few days and I couldn't thank you more for that. You're not the reason why I killed myself, Kacchan, you're the reason I held on for as long as I did.
I'm not lying when I say that I'd trust you with everything. You must've noticed I transferred One For All to you by now, that's because I know you'll make great use of it. Please become a hero for both of us, and I'll always be with you.
The scars I have on my body as well as the scars carved in my brain, they can all fade. All scars can fade, they can be so close to disappearing you barely seen them, but they'll never fully heal. That's the thing about scars, they're permanent. And that's why, in the end, I had to leave this place behind. Even with a quirk I couldn't stop but feel powerless. Even with a father figure I couldn't stop but think about the one that left. Even with you by my side I couldn't stop but think about our past. Because you were everything to me, and you still are. I love you, I've loved you since I knew what love was, yet I tried hating you at the same time. I loved you so much I started hating myself. I always followed you around because I loved you. I never gave up on being a hero because that used to be our shared dream. So now that I'm gone, please pursue that dream for the both of us, I know you can. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I just had to say that one last time. I love you, Kacchan. Farewell.'