scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 15 - haunted

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light."

- Aristotle Onassis

***

It's been seven months now and in the past month Katsuki has done nothing but train. He's been training with his quirk, and he's been training to gain control over One For All, and he's been training to become stronger overall, and he's been training to catch up with his classmates, and surpass them. He has hardly slept or eaten in the past month, he's tired yet restless, he needs to become strong, strong enough to surpass every single hero and come out on top, making Izuku proud and fulfil their childhood dream.
And he needs a distraction.
A distraction from the truth, a distraction from reality, a distraction from every single thing happening in his life. Every thing that has turned his life into a mix of chaos and hell, he needs a distraction from that or he might go crazy, if he hasn't already.

He knows everyone is worried.
He kicks one of the robots using One For All, it immediately breaks.
He can feel their daily looks, he can feel them burning on his skin, like he burned Izuku's. He notices how they fall silent whenever he walks in, he wonders if Izuku felt this lonely, too.
Detroit smash!
He never was the kind of person to overthink a situation, but now he overthinks every small happening in a huge way.
Manoeuvre around the robot, finish with a punch.
His thoughts are flooding his mind, making him drown in every possible scenario with a thousand different outcomes.
AP-shot.
There's not a single outcome in which Izuku is alive.
Melt the robot.
Except for the scenarios where Katsuki isn't there.
Break it, kick it, punch it, burn it, melt it.
He was the ground reason for Izuku's misery and he can't fix it anymore.
Kick. Punch. Smash. Burn. Smash. Explosion. Another kick. More punching. More smashing. More explosions, more destruction, more misery, he has to get stronger. He can't stay weak, he has to make Izuku proud, he has to fulfill their dream. He has to—

"That's enough, young Bakugou."All Might's presence makes Katsuki stop destroying the robots. Whether he likes it or not, he still needs his guidance.
"All you've been doing these past few months is training and although I admire your commitment, you should take care of yourself too."
Bakugou ignores him, he'd rather continue attacking the robots.
"You've done enough, Young Bakugou. Take some time off of physical training. Exams are coming up, try studying instead of overworking yourself."
"Leave me alone."
"Young Bakugou.."
"I'm fine, All Might."
"I don't want you ending up like-"
"Don't. I'm fine, leave me alone."
"Of course." All Might leaves Katsuki alone. He needs to have a word with Mr. Aizawa, he knows Bakugou still isn't fully over Midoriya's death. If they don't take action, he might end up in the same dark place as him.

Bakugou is left alone again. Another robot comes rushing towards him, he easily destroys it. They're no match for him anymore, he can't grow stronger this way. He can't get beaten up. And that's exactly why he isn't satisfied.
"Is that all you've got? Kill me you bastards!" He screams as hard as he can, another AP-shot bursts through two robots at once, he hates it. He doesn't just train the become stronger, he wants it to hurt, he wants to get punished for killing Deku.

A thought appears, it doesn't stay long and Bakugou wants to shrug it off right away, but it sticks to him like glue. If you can't get hurt by these training dummies, find real opponents to fight. It's a stupid thought, really. But it might work. There's nothing else he can do to feel satisfied anymore, why not give it a chance? If he succeeds, good. It'll prove that he's strong, and he'll be one step closer to becoming the number one hero. If he fails, even better. He'll be able to get beaten up and feel pain. It's the best course of action for him right now.
All he has to do is find someone to fight against, someone who's willing to actually fight, not play-fighting. And they have to be strong, able to be evenly matched with him. Equal power.
"Shitty hair."

After walking back to the dorms, he can feel his classmates' eyes staring at him again. He hasn't talked to them much in the past few months, even less than he did before that. So when he walks up to Kirishima and asks him to come with him, Kirishima drops what he's doing and joins Bakugou on a walk.
"What's up?" Kirishima asks, it's been a long time since he and Bakugou talked, he's feeling a tad awkward.
"I need you to fight me." He says straightforward, there'd be no difference if he said it any other way. Either Shitty Hair wants to, or he doesn't.
"You want me to... Why?" Kirishima asks slightly confused. The first time they talk in months and this is what he asks.
"The robots are weak and I need an opponent." Straightforward again.
"Why me?"
"Will you do it or not?" He ignores the question, there's no need for him to answer it, it would only take more time.
"You can't be serious. I know you're having a hard time because of what happened with Midoriya, but-"
"Shut up." Bakugou interrupts. All he wants is to forget about Izuku right now, he doesn't want to be reminded of him again.
"I'll do it." Kirishima answers after a minute of silence. "On one condition: After our fight, you'll take some time off and start caring for yourself again. You won't overwork yourself, you'll try talking with our classmates and you won't shut everyone out. Of course, you can still grief, everyone needs to take all the time they personally need. But you have to have more social contact again." Kirishima adds, elaborating exactly what he means.
Bakugou scoffs "Fine."

And so, they start their fight. Their gap in strength is clearly visible, but Kirishima is able to hold his own against Bakugou. His hardening quirk makes it hard for Bakugou to get through, even with his multiple quirks. It takes a lot of attempts before Bakugou is able to blow Kirishima away, making him hit a wall hard. Luckily, his quirk prevents him from getting an injury and he's able to stand up and continue the fight right away.
Kirishima attacks, Bakugou dodges. Bakugou attacks, Kirishima is too slow. And again. It doesn't take long until Kirishima is tired. Physically, he'd be able to continue, but he's weak mentally. Bakugou leaves no openings for Kirishima to attack, yet takes all the chances he gets himself. It seems impossible to win, and after the sixth repeat of the same fight, Kirishima gives up.
"Sorry dude, I'm not able to match your strength yet." He says with a weak smile.
"You have to continue."
"Why? You'll win again."
"You have to attack me."
"I can't, there's no opening."
"Then find one."
"Sorry Bakubro, I can't." Kirishima says, he hates to admit it, but he'll never become as strong as Bakugou.
"Why can't you?" Bakugou asks, a silent but desperate call for help.
"Your combat skills are amazing, very manly. I just can't tip." He doesn't get the hint.
"Fine, go back to the dorms."
"Don't forget the promise."
"I'll be there in a minute."
Kirishima doesn't question his response. In all honesty, he doesn't want to question it. He figures Bakugou still needs some time and space to recover, he'll gladly give that to him.
Once Kirishima has left his sight, Bakugou sits down. His head is spinning, he feels terrible. He wants to cry and punch everything in his way. He couldn't get his mind off of the damn nerd, his broken voice, his lifeless body, it keeps haunting him still.
"Damnit Deku, why do I still feel like this?"