scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 8 - time capsule

'For too much of my life, I've apologised when I wasn't wrong, all to make a situation better. I'm not going to be that person anymore.'

- Samantha King

***

Izuku has no idea how it happened, but he's now walking with Kacchan and Kacchan alone through their own neighbourhood. Kacchan had asked — technically forced — him to come. He got Mr. Aizawa's permission, which surprised Izuku most. Mr. Aizawa doesn't give a student permission fast, let alone them: the problem children.

"Kacchan?" Izuku tries getting Katsuki's attention after finding the courage to even talk in the first place "Where are we going?"
"Do you recognise this place?" Katsuki asks, ignoring Izuku's question.
"Yeah. It's our neighbourhood park. We came here a lot." Izuku stutters.
"This specific place, I mean." Katsuki continues, it's weird to hear him this serious and- not angry.
Izuku nods. "Our time capsule."
"Yeah. You wanna dig it up?"
Izuku is startled by this question, he didn't even think Kacchan would remember. Even he almost forgot about it.
He nods again.

And they start digging. It's hard to find the exact spot they buried it, but they manage to find it after some time. It brings back memories. The glass jar is in bad condition and obviously old. Katsuki opens it and gets out the first piece of paper, which is the one Izuku wrote.

"You're so cool, Kacchan!" Young Izuku shouts, following Katsuki. He's always looked up to his best friend. He's full of confidence and never runs away from a fight.
"Sure am." Young Katsuki answers with a grin on his face, his pride shining bright.
"When I get my quirk, I hope it will be as good as yours. Then we'll both become heroes and save everyone!" Izuku shouts excitedly, scribbling down his dream on a piece of paper.

"When I'm older, I'll save everyone. And me and Kacchan will be the number one heroes. And we'll be best friends still. And we'll eat a lof of Katsudon." Izuku reads out loud, talking more quietly with every word, ending in a whisper that can't even be heard by himself. He thought his life was getting better after he'd get his quirk, but now it seems like the youngest version of himself was the happiest of all. He isn't even sure what exactly changed, it's like all colours were getting grey and every happy song turned into a sad sound. He will never be this happy anymore. The light inside of him has already died, and his body will be dead in three days, too.

"Save everyone? That's stupid. You won't have to save anyone if you beat up the villains first." Katsuki answers, taking the pen from Izuku and scribbling down his plan on a piece of paper, putting it in their time capsule, too.

Katsuki starts reading his piece of paper, loud and clear. "When I'm older, I'll beat up every villain getting in my way. And I'll protect Izuku when he's acting reckless saving people. I'll become the number one hero and Izuku will be by my side as number two." Izuku looks up at his childhood friend. He can vaguely remember Kacchan promising to protect him once, but he never knew if he actually meant it.

While Izuku isn't sure what to say or do, Katsuki feels anger towards himself coming up. For some reason, he can only put his pride down when he's with Deku, he wishes he could just keep it up at all times. "But I didn't keep that promise. I started bullying you and see where that got you. It's all my fucking fault and I don't even know how to fix it. I have no idea how to help you the right way and I'll just mess it up again. I'm a fucking idiot and I don't understand why you're still following me around. Why do you still wanna be friends with me when I ruined your life? I'm still ruining your life!"
"You're not-" Izuku starts, but falls silent. Katsuki isn't the only reason why he's feeling like this, but even Izuku can't deny that he's one of the reasons. For the first time in a while, he actually feels an emotion: anger. He's angry at Katsuki, how he's never apologised until he saw the scars. He never even realised what he'd done to him his entire life until the scars were too much. "Maybe you are." Izuku blurts out, giving Katsuki a lot of mixed feelings: confusion, more anger, sadness.
"You're an ass. You started bullying me for no reason at all. Because I didn't have a quirk, because I was born the way I was born. And my dumbass kept following you because I couldn't realise what you were doing to me. Because I didn't understand what was going on. But you don't understand either. You're so small-minded. You don't understand that visible scars aren't the only scars you could give someone. You don't know I used to be afraid to leave the house because of you. You don't know I faked being sick because I didn't want to be bullied again. You probably don't even know I'm scared of fireworks because of you. Or that there's a burned scar on my left shoulder from your hand, the one you gave me when you told me to kill myself. But I guess you don't remember that either, do you?! You're a piece of shit, you've always been a piece of shit, yet I can't fucking hate you! I'm an idiot who keeps following you around for who knows why! I'm a fucking idiot, an ass, just like you, Bakugou!" Izuku snaps, he didn't even realise what he was saying, he didn't think about it. He blurted it all out without thinking about it. Every word, every feeling, everything that has been secretly locked up somewhere deep inside of him. Why the hell can't he hate Kacchan? Why the fuck does he love the one person that ruined his life? 

"I think we should go back to U.A." Izuku says after a while, Katsuki still hasn't responded. He isn't sure how. He hadn't realised what he'd done until it was too late. He never knew. It is his fault, apologising won't fix a thing. He can never be a hero, not after what he's done.

When they're back at U.A. again, they don't exchange a single word with each other nor their classmates who look at them with questioning expressions. They make their way to their own rooms. And the first thing Izuku wants to do is making a lot more cuts. Cuts that will make him bleed out, maybe he'll even die three days early, he deserves that. He promised himself he wouldn't snap, he promised himself he wouldn't tell Kacchan what was going on, he promised he would keep him in the dark for both of their sakes, he just couldn't control his actions.
After searching his room at least three times, he realises Katsuki took away all his razors. And all other sharp objects. There aren't even scissors near. He can't do anything. He's powerless, he's useless. He's a worthless nobody. He should take a swan dive off of a building. He should kill himself.
Just three more days. Only three more days. He'll be free soon. Almost. One letter and three days to go, then he'll do exactly as Kacchan told him about year ago: he'll take a swan dive off of the roof of the building.