scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 7 - secrets revealed

"Actions speak louder than words do. It's pretty quiet, isn't it?"

-NF

***

It's Monday now and it's time for All Might's class. Izuku has been feeling anxious for this for a long time. All Might asked him and Kacchan if they'd like a supervised rematch, to which they both agreed. Izuku mainly did it to please Kacchan, but now that it's so close, he's more scared than before. It's going to be an one-on-one match between him and his childhood- friend, bully, crush or whatever. He once again wishes he would've killed himself sooner.

They enter their battlefield, it's got the looks of a park in the middle of a big city. All Might and their classmates are watching them through cameras. Even beforehand, Izuku felt dizzy. His fever might've went away and his infected wounds might've been cleaned, but he still hasn't eaten well in a long time and the bloodloss he's been through over the past few months doesn't help either.
He wants to give up on their fight even before it starts, he tries thinking of a way to do so, but he doesn't get time for that as All Might gives the sign and Kacchan immediately starts attacking. The same grin he usually has is shown on his face.

Izuku manages to dodge the first few attacks, but he doesn't counterattack, even when there is a small opening, which angers Katsuki. "Don't go easy on me, Deku, I wanna win when you use all your power!"
Izuku had thought of 'accidentally' losing to him, to give him the satisfaction of winning one last time, but he knows that Kacchan is the kind of person to notice if he loses on purpose or not, so it's no use "I won't lose to you, Kacchan." He says, using the same tone for his name as he used for his'. For some reason, that angers Katsuki even more and he starts another fast attack: the 'tornado' he used against Todoroki during the sports festival. Izuku uses his air pressure to hold back a bit of his attack, knowing he won't be able to dodge. The air pressure, however, doesn't stop all of Katsuki's attack and Izuku gets blown backwards. He manages to stop himself and immediately counters an attack. He knows he can't win this fight, he hasn't been paying enough attention to his own health. He just has to try this best, he can't disappoint Kacchan. He makes it seem like he's going to smash, but ends up with a kick in Katsuki's side. It blows him back a bit, but he uses his explosions to close in and attack Izuku once again. Izuku uses the same technique he used against Katsuki during their first fight: he grabs him by his arm and smacks him on the ground. This time, however, Izuku doesn't stay standing himself. While Katsuki stands up quickly, prepared to destroy the stupid nerd, Izuku loses his balance due to the dizziness he's been feeling for days and falls down. The last image he could vaguely see was Kacchan running towards him, he's not able to make out whether he's mad, worried or ready to kill him, then he blacks out.

Izuku slowly opens his eyes, staring at the ceiling until he finds the motivation to move his body. He has no idea where he is or how he got here and for a short moment, he thought he had died, but he quickly recovers from that thought as all the pains in his body returns. He has a huge headache and the skin around his arms and thighs is aching.
His vision keeps going from sharp to blurry, but he eventually manages to focus. He realises he's in recovery girl's office, although she doesn't seem to be there. It's nighttime, he can see the moon shining through the window, so he figures recovery girl went to bed already.

Eventually, his eyes fall onto the one person in the room, and he feels himself getting sucked up in fear. Kacchan is sitting in the chair next to his bed. He's asleep, but that doesn't put Izuku at ease. The realisation hit him way too late: his arms and thighs ache and he's feeling overall tired, meaning recovery girl must've healed him. But if Kacchan's here then he must've seen it happen too. And if he did, then he discovered his secret, the secret he tried not to tell anyone. If his secret gets out, he'll get a lot of trouble during his last days alive.
He needs to know whether Kacchan figured it out or not.

"Kacchan." He says, trying to act surprised, as if he juist noticed him sitting there a second ago. Katsuki opens his eyes and notices the green-haired boy looking at him. His first reaction is to start shouting. It's more than enough for Izuku to confirm what he was afraid of.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? You can't just go around doing that to yourself! Stupid Deku. Why the fuck would you do that? Don't you know those will stay there for the rest of your life?! For how long has this been going on? And for what reason?" Kacchan starts ranting different questions, then falls silent as realisaton hits him, "It's me, I'm the reason."
"No, Kacchan, it's not-" Izuku tries convincing him, but gets cut off.
"It is. Because I bullied you, because I made sure you were on your own, because I made your life miserable. Is this your way of taking revenge of me? Making sure I feel guilty? I can't stand you! You're- you're-" Katsuki stops, he doesn't want to cry again. He doesn't want to seem weak. What is he even thinking? It's not him who's been cutting Izuku, he's done that himself. It's neither his fault nor his problem.
"I'm sorry for making you feel like that. It's not like that at all." Izuku tries convincing Katsuki again, which makes it even more clear to Katsuki. It is his fault. And Izuku doesn't want him to feel bad because he is a good person. And Katsuki isn't. He promised Izuku, he promised him he'd save him whenever he was in trouble. He promised it over and over again. It was the reason why he started bullying him in the first place, he needed to make sure the nerd would give up on being a hero so he wouldn't get himself killed. How did he not realise how much more hurt Deku got because of that?
"That's it. Where are your razors. Every single one of them. Tell me or I'll find them myself. You won't do this to yourself ever again. Every time you feel like doing it, you come to me and we'll figure something out. Whether that is you fighting me to blow off steam or something else, I don't care. You just need to find a different way of coping." Katsuki says, suddenly determined. Izuku obviously doesn't feel like telling Katsuki what he's been hurting himself with, but knows Kacchan will go and search for it himself. He can't risk him finding the letters. Too much secrets have been revealed already.
"My bathroom drawer, desk and underneath my pile of All Might T-shirts." He answers, Katsuki nods satisfied, then walks towards the door. He opens it, ready to leave, then turns around one last time
"I didn't keep my promise before, but I promise that this time I will save you. I promise." His tone is filled with anger and confusion, but at the same time with concern and emotion. He then slams the door behind him and Izuku can hear him walking away through the hallway. Once his footsteps are nowhere near him anymore, he feels himself breaking down inside. He has no idea what just happened. Kacchan seemed nice, sort of. At least concerned. Him caring gives Izuku a weird feeling he can't quite explain. He's been feeling empty and numb for way too long to understand these feelings, but even though he's certain this feeling isn't happiness, he knows it's not a negative feeling either.