scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 6 - dear mom, farewell

'Don't mind us, we're just spilling our guts. If this is love, I don't wanna be loved'

-get scared, 'sarcasm'

***

After rewrapping his arms regularly with different bandages and the same antibiotic, the fever went down and Izuku returned to his classes. It was hard keeping up, since he had missed a lot, but as long as you appear to be doing your best, they'll suspect you'll continue doing that. So when he asked Mr. Aizawa whether he was allowed to visit his mom this weekend, he told him yes.

It's Friday now and Izuku is back home. His mom was surprised since he visited so sudden, but she's very happy. She's cleaning the house as quickly as she can, even though Izuku said he doesn't care if it's messy or not. When she's finally done, she gives him something to drink, then sits down next to him on the couch.

"How are you feeling Izuku?" She asks him, he keeps quiet. He isn't sure what he should say in this kind of situation, he may have prepared this conversation in his head a thousand times or more, but his mind is empty now, as if every thought, every fake scenario, everything he thought of last week, has left without a trace.
"I'm feeling fine." He says as it is the only thing he can think of, Inko gives him a worried smile.
"You don't look fine." Izuke stares at her while trying to reassure himself that there's no way she knows what he's going to do in a week, it must be her motherly instinct, nothing more.
"Well, I've had a bad fever last week, but it's over now." He says, hoping that response will satisfy her.
"Is that all? You know you can tell me anything." Inko says, her hand on her son's lap, Izuku nods, Inko smiles and takes a sip from her tea. There's little to no chance she believed his answer, but he's glad she decided not to ask any further.
"You know that I love you, right?" Izuku suddenly says, his mom is caught off guard by that comment but quickly recovers.
"Of course I know, hun. And I love you, too, so much." She says taking his hands, then looks him in the eyes "Are you sure there's nothing else you need to say? You can tell me anything." Even though Izuku expected this kind of response, it takes quite long before he manages to tell the same lie again "Yes. I'm fine."

The rest of the day, Inko kept asking whether her son was okay in the most subtle ways. And the day after, when Izuku was about to leave for U.A., she asked him again. He doesn't want to lie to her, to the only person who actually still cares about him, but he can't tell her the truth. He just can't. How are you supposed to tell the person who brought you to this world that you don't want it anymore? It's not possible.

"I love you, mom." Izuku says, ready to close the door behind him.
"I love you too, sweetheart. See you next time." Inko says, smiling at him.
Izuku nods "Yeah, see you next time."

When Izuku is back at U.A., he makes his way to his room. He double-checks whether he actually locked his door, then gets out an empty sheet of paper. There's less than one week left and he still has to write two letters. If he doesn't write this one now, when will he?

'Dear mom,' he starts, then his mind goes blank. He has no idea what he could possibly write, or maybe there are too many things he'd want to write, so he can't filter the right ones out. In either way, he can't think of anything to write down. 'This is much harder than I anticipated.' he scribbles down the honest truth, he wants to at least be honest with her one last time. 'If you're reading this, then it means that I'm gone.' He immediately deletes that sentence, it's too cliché, he needs this to be personal. He needs to prove that he still cares, even when he's gone. 'I'm sorry that I've done what I've done. I know you out of all people must be the saddest by this, and I'm so sorry for that.' He wants to cry, but there are no tears left for him to use. His eyes are dry and emotionless, they'll probably never shed another tear. 'You care about me, I know that. You love me so dearly, I know that too. And I love you too, so that's why leaving you is the hardest thing I'll ever do.' He proceeds to stare at his sheet of paper for the next five minutes, then snaps back to reality and thinks of a way to continue the letter 'I'll leave my reasons to leave for what they are, I don't like talking about them, but I promise you you're not one of them. You're the reason why I stayed, I stayed for such a long time, all for you.' He ran out of words and thoughts, he can't think of anything, he needs to end this quick, his urge to cut is building up too. 'You're the best mom I could've ever wished for. I know you love me, I really do. And I'm so sorry for leaving. Love wasn't enough to keep me alive any longer, but that doesn't mean I stopped loving you. I loved you my entire life and I've loved you until the day I died. I love you, mom.' It starts to sound like a rather cliché love letter now, but he doesn't want to change it. It might sound cringe but there's not a single way he can think of improving it. Besides, every word is the truth, even if it's put in a weird and awkward way. Even after scribbling down sentence after sentence, hours after hours, days after days in his notebooks, this small piece of writing is the hardest of all. He clicks with his pen, staring down at the paper, rereading what he's written before, then adds 'So dear mom, farewell. I love you and those feelings won't die, even though I will.'