scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 9 - one more day

'Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.'

-Richard Bach

***

One more day.
Then it'll all be over.
One more day of pretending.
One more day of suffering.
One more day of being the same useless nobody.
One more day until he's free.
Tomorrow, he'll be free.

He hasn't talked with Katsuki since last time. He ignored him. He didn't want to talk to him, he isn't sure how. All his feelings are mixed and messed up. But he wants to talk to him. He wants to speak with him before he goes. He doesn't want to leave like this, he can't have Kacchan believe it's all his fault. It's not. Besides, he needs to clear up his thoughts because he won't be able to finish his last letter otherwise.

During lunch, Izuku makes his way over to Katsuki. He sits down at the table, fidgeting with his fingers, but can't think of what he actually wants to say.
"I'm sorry." He then says, Katsuki doesn't respond. It's obvious he doesn't know how.
"I shouldn't have vented my anger and frustration onto you. You might've been shitty to me but you didn't deserve that."
Katsuki makes a "Tch." sound, that being the only response he can think of. Even though he knew he ruined Izuku's life, it hurts to hear it directly from him.
"It's not your fault." He says sincerely. Katsuki looks at him, but doesn't dare to meet his eyes, then looks away again.
"You really have a scar from that day?" He asks, pointing at Izuku's shoulder. Izuku stiffens, then nods.
"I'm an idiot. I promised to protect you. I thought I was protecting you by preventing you from becoming a hero. I started bullying you because I wanted to protect you. Yet I ended up hurting you most! I'm sorry, Izuku." Katsuki says, letting his pride down once again. He doesn't regret doing it this time though.
"Thank you." Izuku smiles, trying not to cry. This apology, for some reason, has been the thing he's been waiting for. Kacchan apologising to him, he never expected it to actually happen.
"Don't fucking thank me!" Katsuki then says, his defense up again.
"I'm sorry."
"You shouldn't apologise either, damnit!"
"Sorry."
"You- stop it! You shouldn't fucking apologise when you did nothing wrong!"
Izuku keeps his mouth shut, but he can't help but smile a bit. He's glad he had this conversation with Kacchan, he can die without regrets now.

"Kacchan." He says, sorrowfully smiling.
"What?"
"You know I never blamed you, right?"
"Yea." Katsuki answers. Even though Izuku should blame him, he's too good of a person, he'd never blame him, even when he deserves it.
"The only one blaming you is yourself, so please don't. If something were to happen to me, I just hope you won't blame yourself. Or wish you would've done something different, or said something else."
"What are you trying to say?" Katsuki asks, startled by this sudden- whatever it is.
"Nothing, never mind." Izuku quickly says, hoping Katsuki didn't realise the actual reason behind it.
"Wanna lunch together tomorrow again?" Izuku then asks, realising the last missing detail for the planning of his last day. Katsuki is startled by this question and is doubting whether he should at first, but then agrees.

The rest of the day continues as usual. Izuku doesn't talk with anyone until the end of the schoolday when Uraraka and Iida walk up to him. "What's going on between you and Bakugou?" Uraraka asks. Of course they noticed their sudden change in behaviour around each other, Izuku doesn't feel like explaining it though, that'd be a pain.
"Nothing."
"He hasn't been bullying you again, right? If he has, I'll make sure he won't anymore as a class representative." Iida says.
"No, that's not it at all. We made up, I guess. He apologised, I've never heard him apologise to anyone ever before." Izuku smiles, Uraraka and Iida look at him with disbelief. He can't blame them, Katsuki Bakugou apologising to someone is the same as All Might being a villain, there's no way anyone would believe that.
"Guys, you're the best friends I could've ever wished for. Thank you." He then says, to which his friends smile and return the compliment.

Izuku makes his way back to his dormroom, the urge to cut is bigger than ever before, yet he still hasn't found any sharp objects. He goes through his drawers, tries finding anything, but the closest he gets to a sharp object is toilet paper because of the small possibility of it giving him a paper cut. The thought of going downstairs to get a kitchen knife crossed his mind, but he won't do that. Some of his classmates are bound to be downstairs. He doesn't want to answer any questions.
In the end, as he feels himself losing grip on sanity, he starts scratching and biting his skin, he peels the healed scars open again, he needs to feel the pain, he needs to feel the red liquid streaming past his skin. He needs to feel it all.

After at least half an hour, he manages to calm himself down in a way, then sits down at his bureau. There's one last thing he has to do before his life comes to an end. And it might be the hardest thing yet.

***

After finishing Katsuki's letter, which took him way longer than it had to be, he puts all three letters he wrote in separate envelopes with the labels 'mom', 'All Might' and 'Kacchan' on it, then lays them down on his bureau, knowing they'll be found after his death.

That night, he takes one last look at the sky, it'll be the last time he sees the moon and stars. He'll soon join the stars himself.
It will be over in less than 24 hours. Just a few more hours until he'll be released from this endless cycle of suffering and pain. Just a few more hours of feeling like a worthless nobody. A few more hours of pretending, then it'll all be over.
Only a few more hours.