scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 12 - realisation

'Denial. It looks like a door. It is a door. But you choose to sit behind it not wanting to walk through.'

-LS

***

Katsuki's still trembling. He can't stop. His legs keep shaking, making it hard for him to keep walking. His whole body feels cold and shaky, every small sound or movement makes him jump. He can't process what has happened, it's too unreal.

It's already dark outside when Katsuki finally sets foot on U.A.'s grounds. He's been on the verge of tears constantly, but he hasn't cried, not since he left the ambulance, not since he actually died. It doesn't seem possible. None of this feels possible. It's not possible that the nerd is gone. It's not possible. After he swore to protect him.

Katsuki takes a deep breath, then opens the door and walks inside. His pride is up again, he tries not to show any weakness. He can't have them know he failed, he doesn't want them to know he's the reason.

As Katsuki passes the common area, everyone is sitting there, trying to find comfort in each other. The news must've reached them already. While some of his classmates are fazed out and numb, others are crying while some are keeping strong, comforting one another. Katsuki tries going to his room unnoticed and he almost made it to the stairs, but the moment he sees something he could swear is Izuku's green hair, his legs give in and he falls onto his knees, tears stinging in his eyes, making his vision blurry. A few drops fall onto the ground, making the carpet wet.
It wasn't Izuku, it was just a houseplant, it has been standing there all year, it's not Izuku. Izuku isn't here. The nerd killed himself, he fucking killed himself because of him. It's all his fault, he should've been the one dead, he wish he could trade his life for his'.

There's a gentle hand on Katsuki's shoulder and for a split second he's sure it's Izuku's, but it's followed by Kirishima's voice "You couldn't have done anything. We all know you tried."
Katsuki turns around, ready to go off against Kirishima, telling him how wrong he is, but the moments he sees Kirishima's red eyes he just can't.

He doesn't move, he can't. Everything feels numb. He's numb. He has the urge to cry, but the tears suddenly stopped coming. He's still shaking, but he can't move his body. Everything he used to feel is now bottled up yet unreachable.
He's really gone.
The actual realisation hits him.
Izuku's gone, he won't be able to see him again, he won't be able to speak to him again. He won't see his green hair and green eyes again. His stupid smile or his constant optimism. How he'd always save everyone, how his body would move on its own. He won't be seeing anything of that anymore. It's all gone.
Why did he never realise how much Izuku meant to him? Why did he keep pushing him away, acting like he didn't care? Why did he always want to make a competition out of everything, why did he always want to win? Win from what? There was no competition, it was just them, and then it wasn't. Did it really take Izuku's death for him to realise that there's more to this life than winning or losing?

"Bakugou, he left you this." Mr. Aizawa walks up to Katsuki, handing him the enveloped letter Katsuki saw hours ago. The one that made him realise what Izuku was up to. If only he had realised sooner, if only he found that letter earlier, if only he would've been faster, he would've been able to save him.
Katsuki takes the letter from Mr. Aizawa, he wants to thank him, but is unable to speak. He stares at the letter but doesn't open it. Partly because he's scared for what it will say, partly because he knows he doesn't deserve it and partly because he's scared it will confirm his death for real.

"I'll be up in my room." Katsuki manages to say, the way he says it makes it sound pathetically sad, but he doesn't care. For the first time in his life he doesn't care about lowering his pride, he doesn't care about people watching him be weak. He wants them all to know how weak he actually is. He's pathetic and weak, he doesn't deserve any of them, he doesn't need their pity, he doesn't deserve it.

After closing his door behind him, he manages to catch himself with his left hand, the letter is still in his right hand. He stares at it, feeling his eyes tear up again. He won't open it. He won't open it until he's become a person Izuku can be proud of. Until then, it'll stay sealed.
He lays down in his bed, knowing he'll fall down again if he tries standing up. He's trembling too much, it's like there's a constant earthquake just around him.
He wants to scream, he wants to cry, let all of his emotions out. He needs to punch something, maybe he needs someone to hug him, he needs someone to understand his pain, to be there for him, help him. But the only person he could think of going to is gone. He's hopeless. He's absolutely pathetic. He's a complete idiot.
He misses him.

Katsuki tried to get some sleep, hoping he wouldn't have to think about it, but every time he closes his eyes he sees Izuku's dead body. He keeps reliving the same moment over and over again: He watches as the boy that followed him around all his life, the boy that used to be his best friend, the boy he swore to protect, jumps from the roof. He watches as he hits the ground, and he's always a second too late to save him. Every time he reaches for him, every time he dies right in front of his eyes. He watches as the life leaves his eyes, he watches as the person turns into nothing but a body.

He's stuck in this loop of reliving the same moment over and over again and when he finally manages to break free it's morning again. It's morning and for a moment he thought it was all a dream. Just for a moment, until his eyes fall onto the sealed letter on his desk.
It really has happened.
He's really gone.