scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 17 - what a friend means

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

-Nelson Mandela

***

There it is again. Izuku's body falling down from the sky. And Katsuki, reaching for it, but never catching it. His body falls, and falls, and falls. And Katsuki can't reach, the closer he comes, the further it's away. And the body hits the ground. Dead.
Now Katsuki can reach, he kneels down, holds  Izuku's hand, which shows no sign of strength or muscles anymore. And he cries, Katsuki cries and screams and shouts and curses.
Behind him, shadows appear. Shadows, silhouettes, his classmates. They're watching him, not coming closer. Their faces show disgust and anger. One of the silhouettes, Eijiro's, steps forward "We know what you did. I can't believe we ever trusted you. You're not our friend, you're just a murderer."

Katsuki opens his eyes and shoots up straight in bed. His breathing is unsteady and it takes a while for him to adjust to the fact that it was yet another nightmare. He should've known, he has them every night, but they feel more real than before. And it's scary to even go to sleep. Katsuki takes a look at the time, only 2AM, way too early to prepare for school, but he's sure he won't find sleep anytime soon. He takes a few warm clothes out of his closet, then leaves his room and knocks on the door from his neighbour.
"Shitty Hair, you up?" He asks, no response. He could've guessed he's still asleep, no surprise there. When he's about to leave, his name echoes through the hallway "Bakubro?"
Kirishima is standing at the end of the hall with a sleepy face and a cup of tea in his hands. "Had another bad dream?"
Katsuki nods. He isn't sure how it happened exactly, but every time he feels anxious, stressed or any other negative emotion, he goes to Kirishima. It's come to the point where Kirishima can assume what happened simply by looking at Bakugou.
"I need to get out of here, take a walk." Bakugou announces.
"I'll come with you, just wait a second." Kirishima says, practically running inside his dorm and walking out with warm clothes half a minute later. Bakugou had already walked to the end of the hall, so Kirishima adds a little sprint to catch up.

"Would you like to talk about your nightmare?" Kirishima asks Katsuki as they leave the school grounds, he's got no clue where they're going, but is pretty sure Bakugou knows where they'll end up.
"Just the same as always: Izuku's body falling down, and no matter what I do, no matter how fast I run, no matter how far I stretch, I can't reach him in time." Bakugou says. He leaves out the last part of his dream, afraid Kirishima might start to suspect something.

After twenty-five more minutes of walking, they arrive at a small forest near his and Izuku's house, although Kirishima doesn't know that. "We used to come here a lot, me and Izuku I mean." Bakugou tells his friend. "We'd make our own 'base' and pretend to be the number one heroes. He'd save every imaginary citizen we made up, I simply beat up every villain. I was small-minded." Bakugou smiles thinking back to that. Everything used to be so small and simple, there were no quirks, no bullying, no nothing. Just them, playing like little kids do. It all went downhill.
"If I were to tell you I knew why he did it, would you still stay my friend?" Bakugou then asks, catching Kirishima off guard.
"Why wouldn't I? I've told you friends stay with each other no matter how bad things get, that's what they're for."
Bakugou nods, then asks "And if I didn't? If I didn't stay as a friend when things got hard, would I still deserve someone who does stay for me?"
"How about you just tell me what this is about. You're always straightforward, but now you keep turning around the topic, never touching it."
"You know me and Izuku were childhood friends, right?" Kirishima nods, waiting for Katsuki to continue "And you also know we weren't even close to friends when we entered U.A.." Kirishima nods again. "If I told you that the reason things got complicated between us is the same reason he decided to end it, and that reason would be my blame only, do I still deserve anyone as a friend?"
Kirishima looks at Bakugou, still unsure what to respond. This would be so much easier if Bakugou just tells him what this is about. "I'm sure you weren't to blame."
"I was. Everything that happened, everything that caused Izuku to do what he did, was the consequence of what I did."
"I can't help you if I don't know-" Kirishima says, getting impatient.
"I don't need your help! I just need to have answers, would you stay my friend if-" Bakugou starts shouting, building up his wall again.
"if what? What exactly do you mean?" Kirishima interrupts boldly.
"If I told you I told him to kill himself! If I told you I told him to take a swan dive off of the roof of a building, and that being exactly what he did, would you still be my friend after I told you something that fucked up?!" Bakugou's wall has been rebuilt, but he's already spoken.
"If I told you that I started bullying him, beating him up, hurting him, crushing his dreams, would you still stay friends with me? Someone who didn't stay for his own best friend."
There's a long silence, Bakugou is afraid he knows exactly where this is going. He'll get the silent treatment, Kirishima won't say a word to him any time soon, but start a rumour around the school which will get him kicked out the moment they find out it's true. He's done it, it's all over. He can't become a hero, he won't fulfil their childhood dream, it's over.

"What you did was wrong. Really wrong." Kirishima says after at least two minutes of silence, Bakugou is surprised he even speaks to him at all. "But I know you already know that. You obviously regret it. You told him to do something unimaginable, probably out of anger, not thinking he'd actually do it, and then he did. Yet you never told anyone, knowing it could ruin everything you've built. So for the past 16 months, you've carried this burden on your own." Kirishima takes a small break from speaking, letting his words sink in, then continues "But besides all of that, I'll stay your friend. Please don't make me regret that decision."
It takes a while until Kirishima's words reach Katsuki. And even when they do, it still takes long until he actually understands what they mean.
"You're not mad?" Is all he manages to ask, any other combination of words would just come out like a stutter.
"I am mad. But after I let it all sink in, I'm sure I'll be able to forgive you. I'm pretty sure Midoriya would do the same, maybe he had already."
Bakugou nods, a hollow feeling in his throat prevents him from speaking, he manages to blink away the tears.
"What happened in the past can't be changed so let's focus on the future, I'm sure you'll become a great hero besides all that you did. At least you don't have to carry that burden on your own anymore."
All Bakugou managed to say, is "Thank you.".