scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 14 - trying to move on

'Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new ending.'

- Carl Bard

***

It's been too long, yet he's still not over it. The new school year has started, they let him pass the year.
Six months after his death, and even though he's not over it, he's trying to recover. He's started to attend classes again, he's started to learn how to use One For All, he's started taking care of himself again.
And he's finally ready to pay a visit to someone he was too anxious too meet for way too long.

He rings the doorbell, then waits a long time for the door to open. He feels like a blade cuts through is heart the moment he sees her, Izuku resembles his mom too much, it's painful to watch. Inko's eyes have dark bags under it, her skin is pale and her eyes red. She might look worse than Izuku did the day he died. Her house is a mess, too. He noticed that the second he walked inside. Aside from the mail that is piling up on the doorstep, there's empty cans of food and empty cups all over the place.

But even besides that, she smiles when seeing Katsuki, trying to prove that everything's all right "How are you doing, Katsuki, you've grown so tall."
Katsuki won't take it as that, he won't let her pretend everything is fine like Izuku. Instead, he gets straight to the point "I'm sorry for not stopping by earlier. And for everything else."
"There's nothing you should be apologising for." She says, that same smile on her face again, the same as Izuku's when he lied. It's so painfully obvious now how long he's been lying for.
"Do you want anything to drink? Water? I don't have a lot. Water will do, right?" Inko continues, walking to the kitchen and getting Katsuki some water without waiting for his response.
"Inko, you don't have to."
"It's fine, you'll just wait here. I'm sure Izuku can arrive any moment now. That's why you came here, isn't it?"

Katsuki falls quiet as the shock of her words hit him. At first he had this small hopeful feeling of him being alive but then he realised Inko is still in denial about everything that has happened. "I don't think he's coming back." He says, trying to bring her the news slowly. He knows she already knows, deep down, he just has to make sure she'll find a way to realise it's reality.
"What do you mean? Of course he will. He always makes his way back to me, no matter the situation he's in. He told me we'd see each other again. He wouldn't lie to me."
"Inko. He's not coming back." Katsuki tries, he's not sure what else to do. He's sure Izuku would be hurt seeing his mom like this, he needs to help her.
"He will be back soon."
Katsuki sighs, thinks a long time about what he's going to do, then says "Why don't we go on a walk. He's bound to be home when we come back." Inko agrees with that and they make their way outside.

The small raindrops fall down on their skin as they walks through the neighbourhood. Katsuki is scared to go where they're going but he's certain that it's enough to wake Inko. If that's what it takes, then he wil. After all, he had to visit this place sooner or later.

They arrive at the graveyard and it takes a long time before Katsuki finds the right grave. The moment he reads it for the first time he is shocked:

Izuku Midoriya
"Deku"
the name of a hero
July 15th - April 30th [16y/o]

Katsuki swallows, a nervous feeling in his stomach. He's been avoiding this place, he guesses Inko has been, too. But he knows both of them had to see this to be able to actually move on. "He's not coming home." Katsuki tells her again. His tone is serious but the tone underneath tells that he wants to cry. "He's gone." He says, making it clear to Inko aswell as himself. Maybe he was still in denial himself, too.
"What do you mean? He's not—" Inko says, turning to Katsuki with tears in her eyes. Izuku's tears. This would've been so much easier if Izuku had resembelled his dad.
"He is. He's gone and I'm so sorry for that."
"You— You did nothing wrong. Don't apologise. He'll be home soon." Inko says, struggling with her own thoughts.
"Just open your eyes and look, he's dead, he's not coming home!" Katsuki snaps, then immediately regrets raising his voice. "I didn't mean to—"
"You're right." Inko interrupts, looking down "I know you're right. It's just- I'm not sure what else to do. If he's gone then what's the point? He was everything I had left. Pretending he's still here is much easier than facing reality." Inko looks up, trying to smile for Katsuki's sake, but he notices the hurt behind her smile.
"I'm sure he'd want you- us to move on." Katsuki says, Inko nods, knowing he's right.
"Do you know why he did it?" Inko then asks unexpectedly, Katsuki isn't sure what to respond. He does know but he can't tell her, or anyone for that matter. So he shakes his head. "For what it's worth, I do know that he loved you a lot."
Inko nods, a genuine smile on her face, yet she can't hold back her tears. "Thank you, Katsuki." She starts sniffing, which turns to sobbing quickly afterwards "I just- I wish I had noticed sooner and I wish I could've helped him. He must've felt as if he had to carry everything on his own two shoulders. He must've thought he had to become the new All Might after he retired and pledged his life to him. If only he'd come to me, I could've helped him. I should've helped him as his mother." She takes a breath which turns into a hiccup combined with her sobbing "I do blame myself, I should've done something."
Katsuki feels paralysed, he has no idea what to do or say. He knows he should comfort her but he doesn't know how. He starts shaking again but manages not to break down in front of Inko, she's lost more than he did, he needs to be there for her. Not only because she needs it more than anyone, but also because she blames herself for his mistake.
"I don't know what his reasons were but I do know that you weren't one of his reasons. He loved you so much, I bet leaving you was the hardest thing for him. I'm not telling you to stop feeling sad, but let's try to move on, both of us, I'm sure that's what he wanted us to do. If he's still watching, we gotta make him proud."