scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 5 - fever

'But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill themselves.'

- Albert Camus

***

So the good thing is that no one found Izuku on the bathroom floor while he had blacked out in a puddle of his own blood revealing all his secrets which would make him want to die even faster. The bad thing: he's been really sick ever since he woke up. His whole body hurts and aches and he's feeling cold with three layers of clothing plus two blankets on him. He did clean the blood stains though, he had to make sure no one found out about what happened. He went straight to bed after cleaning up and he hasn't left since. He hardly slept and a lot of his classmates came to check up on him. They gave him some food and water, telling him to come to them if he needs anything, but Izuku ended up vomiting the little food he tried eating and gave them a still full plate of food back.
Mr. Aizawa checked up on him, too, he must've noticed something is really wrong with Izuku by now, but as long as he doesn't find out what it is, it's fine.

Recovery girl stopped by yesterday, but she couldn't heal him. It's just a fever and he has to sweat it out.
The only good thing coming from this is that he's been clean for a full day. He hasn't had the motivation to leave his bed, which is a good thing in this case. He doesn't even have the motivation to hurt himself anymore. But the urge didn't leave, it has been building up, it's almost unbearable now.
He just has to get through 13 more days, then he'll be free.

He opens his eyes, he must've fallen asleep after all, he's still feeling tired though. That won't go away after one good night sleep, it's not that kind of tired. He checks his clock, it's already 3PM, he isn't sure whether he'd just dosed off for a few minutes or slept a whole day, it doesn't really matter. You'd think that if you know you have a short time to live, you'll want to do a lot of things while having too little time and feel anxious about every missed minute, but honestly, Izuku wished he could just speed up time right now and let it be over. There's nothing he stills want to do in life except end it.
Well, maybe there is one thing, but he knows that will never happen. He just has to live with that.

His door opens, there wasn't a knock. He turns his head to see who's entering and is surprised to see Kirishima. "Hey Midoriya, you're awake. Are you feeling any better? And do you need anything? Some food, drinks? You've been asleep for two whole days dude." He whispers as if he's still asleep, yet he whispers fast so it's still hard for Izuku to process what he's asking exactly.
"No, I don't need anything. Thanks for asking though." Izuku gives a response, his voice sounds worse than ever, the words taste dry and he doubts whether Kirishima heard him properly. Izuku looks at him, Kirishima just smiles and closes the door, meaning he must've heard him right after all.

After a few minutes of staring at his ceiling, he locks his door then makes his way to the bathroom, again. He knows it's stupid, he knows he should stop, but what does it even matter at this point? He gets out his razor, then unwraps his bandages. Yet he doesn't get to the cutting part. Upon unwrapping, he sees that the cuts he's made are all swollen and red. There's weird-looking greenish pus in multiple wounds and the sight of it makes him want to vomit again, but he swallows it. He's seen an infected wound once before, and he had looked away because it made him feel nauseous. He does know how the wound has to be cleaned, that's a first. He goes through his drawers, he's certain he has a small jar with antibiotics here somewhere. His mom gave it to him, she had told him he needed it in case he got badly hurt in a fight. And he kept it, knowing that would make her happy, he never expected to actually need it.

When he finally finds the antibiotics hidden under his shampoo stock, he cleans the wounds then wraps the bandages combined with antibiotics around his arms. It stings and hurts a lot, but he hopes it will at least bring his fever down.

He stares at his mirror again, the face resembling that of a skeleton stares back. The bags under his eyes make him look like a zombie, and his pale skin and dead hair finish the look. He looks down, at the just wrapped bandages, he knows he can't take them off right now, that way the infected wound won't even begin to heal. He takes a deep breath then reveals his thighs, he's been avoiding cutting there, but it's not like he has another choice right now.
The first cut he makes makes his thighs burn up, it hurts a lot, much more than his arms hurt. Blood starts dripping down and he makes a second cut, then a third, fourth and fifth cut. he continues, but tries keeping it to a minimum, he doesn't want to black out again. After a series of cuts, when he's finally having a feeling of satisfaction, he wraps bandages around his thighs. He cleans the blood, knowing that's the only way to make sure no one will find out. Then returns to his bed.

His head hurts a lot, his arms ache and the skin around his thighs feels like it's burning. Yet he's still shivering. He pulls another blanket over him, rolls to his side and stares at his wall. There's no way he'd be able to get some sleep after sleeping for two days, but he lays down anyway. There isn't much more that he's able to do with this fever and he's not allowed to attend classes until it's over. And he has to attend classes and catch up or he won't be granted permission to visit his mom at the end of the week. It's the last time he'll be able to see her after all. In 11 days, he'll be gone. And the main reason he stayed all these years was her, he has to say goodbye properly and tell her how much he loves her. And how much he'll miss her.