Sarah Paulson One Shots

Reflection ~B .DH

Requested~ billieshoe6 "y/n grew up chubbier/ developed a binge eating disorder; Billie helps with their insecurities."

TW~ eating disorder, vomiting, & body dysmorphia

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As you stand in the bathroom mirror, your hands made their way across your stomach. Trying to hide yourself from your own reflection.
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All your life you had always been on the "chubbier side". As a kid it didnt matter because the world hadn't gotten to you yet and insecurities were nothing of object.

As you got older and school grew more difficult each year. Same could go with stress. The stress of "being pretty enough," or "skinny enough," "smart enough " the list could go on and on. What everyone failed to tell you is that with eminence amounts of stress and worry weighted on your shoulders, binge eating tags along.

Finding yourself with more food on your plate, or plates then usual, only to deem yourself as gross or fat. God forbid anyone say "I thought you just ate?" youd go to the bathroom and purge. (Self- vomit) No matter how wrong you felt after, it seemed to trick a part of your brain into thinking this is how to be better, prettier, skinnier. It wasnt.
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A knock on the bathroom door brought your focus back. "Are you okay in there?" Your mother on the other side with a soft spoken voice. "Yeah." Your tone was almost too quiet. Soon following, the doorbell could be heard ringing, going through one ear and out the other.

Your mom's friend was coming for dinner tonight. She was practically family, she was equally another mother figure in a way. The woman knew about your insecurities for a while, she was the first to notice, frankly you were more comfortable with her then your own mother.

You put your shirt back on and took a deep breath preparing yourself for whatever the night had in store. Creeping down the stairs your eyes were met with the blonde. "Y/N!" She had open arms waiting for her hug. "Billie" you whispered into her chest as she brought you close. Kissing the top of your head. "How have you been darling?" You eyes shot to the floor. Did she really care or was she just being nice? The first instinct was to lie. So you did.

"Good."

Billie gave you a soft smile along with a rub of the back of your shoulder. Your mother and Billie had talked as the food was finishing up and you set the table. A few comments and laughs were exchanged, now as you stand behind Billie with plate in hand waiting to fill it, an all too familiar anxiety coursed through you.

You didnt like eating in font of people. That's why you always tended to have meals in your room where you felt nobody could judge you. A gentle nudge of your arm once again brings you back to reality. It was Billie who noticed you blankley staring at the food in front of you. She gave a kind concered smile that it alone said are you okay? In return you gifted her with a weak grin and a nod painted across your face.

You three sat at the table as the older women began eating like normal people. You took a deep breath, repeating the same words in your head over and over; it's just food. This is what people do at meals. Eat. And suddenly your insecurities were on the highest level possible.

Would they judge? Do I look gross? I'm not a pig am I?

No of course you are not.

To settle down any concerns between the women you began eating.

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It wasnt unil the end if the meal that the thoughts and loud voices made their way back. That was discusting.. how could you? Your gaze was all over the room. You tried to focus on one thing but everything seemed blurry. Billie noticed the irregular breathing coming from your side of the table. But your eyes didn't meet. She knew what was to come.

"I'm sorry excuse me." Dropping the napkin in your lap you headed back up the stairs and straight into the bathroom without hesitation. Billies eyes followed you up the staircase as she signaled to your mother "I got it."

The blonde was met with a door slammed in her face. She didn't dare come in. The last thing she wanted for you was to feel more uncomfortable with someone else's presence

You on the other side hovered over the toilet. "Y/N, how many days clean are you?" Billie whispered with her ear against the door. How many days had it been since you sat in the same spot in the exact situation? One? Two? "Not enough to stop me."

And so you began to do what you were used to at this point with no clue how much it was hurting you internally. This was Billies last straw before hurtling through the door screaming "no no no" as if it could reverse the actions.

She brought you close to her chest as you sobbed , repeatedly telling her how sorry you were. "Shh... It's not your fault honey." Billie hugged you tighter, kissing the top of your head. "I know how you feel." The motions that brought you comfort came to a stop when you raised your head off of her frame.

"No you don't. You don't know what it's like to have people constantly judge you for your weight, or watch you eat with a disgusting look on their face like your an animal." Your hands covered your face as more tears poured from your eyes. "I feel gross, I don't like the way I look. Everyone is perfec-" Billies hands took your wrists, bringing them down.

"Y/N stand up." You figured fighting her words wouldn't get you anywhere good so you took her palms as she lifted you up off the floor only to stand you in front of the mirror. "No-" you tucked your head back into her chest. "I know how you feel Y/N. I've been through the same thing. I've felt the exactly how you are right now." The older woman wiped the tears off your cheeks. "I can tell you it gets better. But you have to work to get better. Don't give up on yourself."

You nodded along to her words. Maybe there was a way. You were unhappy with yourself all you wanted to do was wake up in the morning and look at your reflection and not hate every bit of it.

"Eat when your hungry. Give what your body is asking for. You are beautiful Y/N." Billie's eyes were now becoming glassy as she gave you a warm smile. You knew she wasn't lying. If only you could see yourself through her eyes.