[[忘羡 | WangXian 3]] : Our Flesh And Bones

[30.] Jiang Cheng/Yunmeng Jiang Clan

Last night Jiang Cheng marched into his chamber furious. 

Was he really the only one who saw things clearly? Why was he surrounded by idiots with no sense of manners, politeness, decorum, rules?? Even the damned Gusu Clan... Everything was falling apart. He thought he felt some respect towards Lan Xichen at least, but tonight he disappointed him bitterly.

Yet, he felt all alone. Again alone. Everyone seemed to take Wei Wuxian's side again. Why was his life like that...

He could not sleep. 

The journey here was exhausting and long, and now he regretted bitterly coming at all. It was just another disappointment... Oftentimes, Jiang Cheng felt like the world was slipping away, and tonight was one of those times. Everyone went on with their lives, and everyone seemed happy, content, one way or another. 

He was all alone. All alone in his bitterness, in his misery. Or so it felt.

Finally, he went out for a stroll, greeting the patrols on his way; he had half the mind to just mount his horse and ride back home. Lotus Pier was a small consolation, but at least it was a safe place, a haven, for him to return to. The last thing left to him. The very last.

On his way to the stables he passed by the master bedroom; he frowned remembering the happy and excited expression on Wei Wuxian's face when he delivered the "news". Why did he always return to this deviant, this disgraceful person? He had no explanation. Maybe it was his Shijie's words, still ringing in his head, forever locked in his head – "Take good care of each other. Be kind to each other. Love each other."  

Passing by, he heard someone sobbing, and he involuntarily stopped in his steps. Somehow he could not believe that Lan Wangji would sob like this, ever. So this left only one possibility... He stepped closer to the door and listened. The esteemed Hanguang-Jun was chanting so gently, it was heartbreaking:

"Calm down, my heart... It is all words, coming from a bitter person... Who cares what the other Clans might think? We never did. I don't. I married you, Wei Ying... Have you forgotten... Do you know how much I love you, sweetheart... My life... my light... I love you. Calm down, please. You are breaking my heart..."

He bit his lip; he could not bear to listen any more. 

He hated watching them, or listening to them exchange pet names, or show affection openly, as they often would. Why would they consider themselves above all norms of society? Why wouldn't the rules apply to them? He thought that it would make him angry, but somehow, hearing those sentences only made him sad. Deep down he knew he too yearned to be listening to words just like those. But it was so hard for him to admit it. It was the hardest thing to do.

Wei Wuxian was sobbing pitifully. He wasn't sure how he felt about it. He had spent years hating him, hating him with a passion. But once again, like a moth to a flame, he came to his birthday to be with him. And the stupid present he personally had prepared... what did it all mean?

Confused, Jiang Cheng turned around and went back to his room as quietly as possible. He felt assured as he had taken the decision to leave this damned place first thing in the morning. But then... why wasn't he happy and satisfied by this decision? Why was it so hard for him to feel happiness?

**

Early the next morning, Jiang Cheng was woken by a soft knock on his door. He had fallen asleep too late – or perhaps too early – and was grumpy and tired. Just in his loose undergarments, he opened the door with a swing, ready to yell at Wei Wuxian, because – who else would it be?

- Zewu-Jun?  What... - he was rubbing his eyes – the dawn was coming just right behind Lan Xichen's back above the rooftops, and was now piercing through Jiang Cheng's skull. The handsome tall man looked radiant, even more so in his pure white robes... Perhaps it was just a hangover from last night, who knew.

Lan Xichen bit his lip. He looked at the man in front of him – his chest showing through messy undergarments, hair down and falling on his back, rubbing his eyes like a small child... He gasped and, blushing a little, said softly:

- Good morning, Sandu Shengshou. Can we talk briefly? I will be going away very soon.

Jiang Cheng, surprised, stepped away, letting him in, not noticing the eyes on his body watching him hungrily. His head was pounding.

- Lan Xichen, if it's about last night, I---

- It's not.  – he said briefly, looking around at the mess in the room.

Jiang Cheng caught his eye, and blushing, now rushed to collect his clothes and shoes.

- Uhh, sorry. No one ever comes to my room...

- I know. I... I don't mind. I will be brief. Don't worry. – he said, embarrassed.

Jiang Cheng frowned at him, but still put on a loose robe. Obviously, this was going to take some time.

- Well? I am listening. Although I cannot, for the life of me, think of a topic we two could share. – he crossed his arms in front of his chest, now fully awake and mildly angry as he was woken up without a good reason – he was pretty sure of it.

For a moment, they stood opposite each other, staring at each other – the one ready to defend himself, the other – not planning to attack. Lan Xichen finally shook his head, and said with a smile:

- All of this will probably sound silly to you, but I guess, as this is the last time we talk – I could be blunt. I have nothing left to lose.

"Nothing left to lose."  –  the words pierced through Jiang Cheng. These were his words too. His frown got more severe, but he listened.

- I am going away, A-Cheng. I am going away for good. I need to leave all behind, as I need peace and closure. My mind has been made up, but my brother, it seems, still has hope for me. He has always been so romantic... He urged me to seek one last time for  a person, who could be an anchor of sorts for me – someone to keep me in this life, my old life.

He stepped closer to the young man, who was now gaping at him, not fully getting the meaning of his words.

- There is one, only one, who still can make me feel alive. One who still can make my heart beat faster. One who can give my life meaning, if he chooses to.

- Why are you telling me this... I... Wait, "he"?  -  Jiang Cheng was shocked at the sudden realization.

Lan Xichen tilted his head to the side, as was often his habit, and smiled sweetly. He had expected this reaction – nothing about Jiang Cheng could surprise him.

- And why are you using... my name... like that? We've known each other for years.  -  he stuttered.

- It's you. - Zewu-Jun said, the sadness once again reaching his eyes. – I never wanted it. I was mourning the loss of my own happiness, my meaning in life... and for the longest time I noticed nothing, and no one. And then one day, I saw you with fresh eyes. I wish things were different, Jiang Wanyin. Forgive me.

He started for the door, but was stopped in just a second by a strong grip on his arm.

- Hey, you can't just leave! Why are you telling me all this?! You didn't really think that I... I.... I... would...ever... uhhhhh...  -  Jiang Cheng could not finish, the serene politeness on Lan Xichen's face was driving him insane.

- No. I expect nothing. This is why I am leaving. – he removed the grip on his person gently, but held on to Jiang Cheng's hand for  one long moment, making him feel uncomfortable.

- I am going now, Jiang Wanyin. But please, ask yourself  –  why are all alone after all these years? What are you waiting for? Who are you waiting for? I... I am tired of waiting, I guess. Be well.

They parted quietly. 

Jiang Cheng's face was burning, he never expected anything like this, even in his wildest fantasies, or rather – nightmares. He never knew how much time he spent in a stupor, just standing, frozen, in the middle of his chamber. 

His brain, his body  –  all had gone numb. 

He wasn't even angry at the bold and direct love confession. Anger had always given him a purpose, a direction, but now he felt lost. How do you get mad at someone telling you that you are their only reason to be, their meaning in life? He was lost.