[[忘羡 | WangXian 3]] : Our Flesh And Bones

[58.] An Outside Perspective.

Miao Lu was wondering if her Masters would call for her that morning. The conversation they had had the previous night was still ringing in her head. 

Everything had changed.

The attitude of Hanguang-Jun towards her was now warmer, somehow more respectful, even though he still kept his distance. Wei Qianbei, on the contrary, seemed more distant, although he remained nice and smiling. He seemed to have found a new love and tenderness for his husband and was adamant to make sure he showed it to him all the time.

She knew that both were wearing masks. Hanguang-Jun could not care about her less, but her baby was of extreme importance to him. And Wei Qianbei utterly forgot she even existed the very moment she moved out of his sight. She had sobered up regarding her Masters, and now – disillusioned – she sadly thought that it wasn't really their fault, but hers. She had fantasized about it, romanticized it. She had thought that a baby would change their attitude towards her, yes, but for the better, make it warmer, more human. 

She laughed bitterly to herself. She knew better now.

After the revelations about their past at dinner, she was terrified. Her brain was cooking up scenarios about a monster baby that would tear her apart even before being born. The words of Wei Qianbei that it would be a difficult pregnancy didn't make it any better. And then the night that followed amplified it all, magnified her horror.

She had already seen that pattern – after a difficult conversation at dinner, the Masters would make love that same night so roughly that they would spend the next days locked in their bedroom, healing, taking care of each other. She expected the same today, as last night was a nightmare. In a way, she was grateful that she could not sleep, because if the sounds, coming from that room, had woken her up – she would have probably lost her mind. 

Almost all night long there were screams and growling, obscene words and animal grunting, for hours and hours on end, and she heard it all so well. She wondered how they could ever endure it – she already knew thе pain this kind of lovemaking brought; she wondered how their bodies worked, as it was more than clear now – ordinary people could not possibly survive such violence, and so much of it.

She had thought that she envied them, but now she wasn't sure. 

What was it like? To yearn like that, all the time? To hurt like that all the time? To love someone so desperately that you could not think about anything else? 

Awful, awful. 

Exhausting, soul-drenching. She remembered Lan Sizhui's tale about his fathers – they had a tragic destiny, and it seemed that it wasn't over. Both spiritual anguish and physical pain were still very much in their lives. No, one shouldn't have envied them – they were both very lucky, but also extremely miserable. It was unbearable.

She sat at her window, watching servants bring bath water and food to the master bedroom. They had been doing it for 20 years, obviously. Until very recently, she would have been thrilled to spend more time with her Master Wei, and now she dreaded it. She definitely wished her hearing wasn't so sharp – her room was very close to theirs, and she could hear almost everything they were saying to each other. At least they had each other. 

She had no one.

**

Miao Lu was not surprised when Bai Li knocked on her door. She already knew what she was going to say.

- Good morning, Mistress! Did you sleep well? I prepared some special breakfast for you, the Masters insisted on it. – she said cheerfully.

- Thank you, Li-jie, all is fine. I am not very hungry. – she thanked her and bowed a little.

- Oh, there, there, Mistress! You don't need to bow to me any more! – she laughed and waved her hand. – Still, you have to try to eat! Is the room warm enough?

She started re-kindling the fire, making a note to bring more wood later.

- All is fine. The cold doesn't bother me much... - she said distractedly.

Bai Li cast a quick look at her, but did not comment.

- Any news from the Masters? Are they going to... need me today?  –  Miao Lu asked vaguely.

- Ah, Mistress, not today! Maybe not tomorrow either! – Bai Li laughed heartily. – I think they had a rough night and will be resting today. Classes are cancelled. Master Lan said that the children practice meditation in full silence all day long! Poor babies! – she huffed.

- So, lunch, dinner? – the young woman tried to be subtle about it, but she knew that housekeeper was really perceptive.

- I don't think so, Mistress. Perhaps Master Lan might call you for dinner, but Master Wei is surely going to keep the bed. The cold does not agree with him, I should say. – she said slyly. – Is there anything you might need? – she tilted her head and looked at her with curiosity.

- I was thinking of reading a little, in the Library Room?

The housekeeper raised an eye-brow.

- You can read, huh?!

The young girl blushed and nodded shyly.  

- You need Master Lan's permission for that. He is very strict about the Library. – Bai Li then hummed. – Should I pass the message, Mistress?

- Yes, please, Li-jie. I am not used to having so much free time. I feel restless. – Miao Lu blushed again. 

- I see. Very well, Mistress. It will be done. I will come back later to take care of the fire, for sure.

Bai Li left, and the young woman wondered how much information she managed to extract from the short conversation. She also noticed that since yesterday – everybody started addressing her with a title. 

Except Wei Qianbei, of course. He didn't seem to follow any rules.

She sighed. 

Now with the Young Master gone, she felt more alone than ever.