[[忘羡 | WangXian 3]] : Our Flesh And Bones

[29.] Lan Wangji/ Gusu Lan Clan

Lan Zhan spent a worrying and anxious night. 

Wei Ying was sobbing in his arms, repeating the words "What if he's right?" and "What have we done, Lan Zhan?". He did his best to talk him out of such thoughts, but this was his brother after all. 

He was hugging him tight at all times, vaguely worrying what might have happened to Miao Lu, and also wondering what his own brother's behavior that night meant. He was astonished how a couple of simple words could have such devastating effect on so many people. Yes, words had power. So he never stopped talking to Wei Wuxian, caressing and kissing him repeatedly.

- Calm down, my heart... It is all words, coming from a bitter person... Who cares what the other Clans might think? We never did. I don't. I married you, Wei Ying... Have you forgotten... Do you know how much I love you, sweetheart... My life... my light... I love you.  Calm down, please. You are breaking my heart...

Wei Ying would bury his face in his neck, trying to breathe. If those words came from anyone else - he would never care. Hell, perhaps he would challenge them to a fight. But this was different. He had always craved his brother's love and approval. And this – this was their life, their future. It was the most important thing in the world. At least in their own world. He was clinging to Lan Wangji's warm body, letting his words sink in, like a balm, on his soul, trying to control himself, knowing full well he looked ridiculous.

- Forgive me. Forgive me, Lan Zhan. Please, just hold me.

- Always. I'm here. Please rest, Wei Ying.

They spent a restless night in each other's arms.

**

The next day was gloomy too, but Lan Wangji got up early, leaving Wei Ying, too exhausted to be disturbed by his movements, to sleep in.

He got dressed and instructed the servant he saw in the yard to not disturb his Master at all, and let him rest. Then, he asked for tea to be served for two in Zewu-Jun's chamber.

Lan Xichen was expecting this soft knock on his door. He was up, and meditating.

- Good morning, Brother. We need to talk.

- Good morning, Wangji. Indeed.

They sat themselves at the low table, awaiting the tea. Lan Zhan was trying to see something different about his brother, but he was his own sad and serene self. He bitterly thought to himself that not too many years ago he also looked like this, back when Wei Wuxian was dead – pale, lifeless, hollow.

- I know all your questions, brother. I see them in your eyes. So let me save you this effort. I am going away. For good. I found a place that would accept me, even at this age. I cannot go on this way, it is quite meaningless. In my last travels I found a small monastery that will accept me. I need time for meditation and quiet, away from the mundane. I don't think I will be coming back, Wangji.

Lan Wangji was speechless. He knew he was on the brink of losing his brother forever – once his mind had been made up, it was final.

- I think this is wrong. I think you shouldn't do it. – he said, numb all over.

- You have found your meaning, Brother. But I have searched for mine for too long now. I am just tired. The love of your life and your children will make your life full and happy; it's a blessing, it is very clear to me. And I...

Lan Xichen lowered his eyes, smiling to himself, drifting away in the past when he thought he had had a flicker of hope.

- Brother, you have to let him go. He is gone. He is dead. Don't follow him. Please. – Lan Zhan begged.

- Did you give up when Wei Wuxian was dead? Did you let go, Wangji?  –  he raised an eyebrow.

Both were silent for the longest time. The servant came with the tea, but none touched his.

Finally, Lan Zhan spoke, sorrowfully:

- I never gave up hope, yes. You shouldn't either. There must be something, someone that is still worth something to you... Even if it's not me.

Lan Xichen looked at his brother with eyes full of grief. Despite all, he loved him dearly. This wasn't  about the two of them. Just...it was unbearable.

He stood up and approached the window, his back to Lan Zhan, watching the new dawn come to the pink sky with the violence of bright red and orange.

He hesitated. 

But then he said:

- As this probably is our last conversation, maybe... Maybe I could tell you my heart. Not that it matters. At least I don't think...

Lan Zhan looked up at him with hope. He knew his brother too well. Lan Xichen must have exhausted all his options for a decision like that. But also, he could be reasoned with. Alas, he was the perfect product of the Gusu Lan Clan – his mind was highly logical and calculating; if he thought a thing had no chance of succeeding – he wouldn't even bother trying. Logic dictated his actions, and now cold logic was saving his sanity. He had pushed emotions out and away from his very soul, but this last thing was eating him alive.

His mourning was taking its toll, 20 years of it. It was truly a heavy burden.

- I see. – Lan Zahn was waiting patiently. He knew that his brother would speak when ready. His heart was hurting, but his face remained expressionless.

- There is, indeed, one I realized I have feelings for. It came unexpectedly, overwhelmingly, illogically. Once again it felt as if my heart was not my own. I was horrified, it was awful. But the chances of anything happening between us are very close to none, so... - he said slowly, now finally turning towards his brother.

- Do I know this person? – Lan Wangji was grabbing for straws, afraid to reveal his hope.

- Yes, quite well. He is, even now, in this very House. - Lan Xichen smiled gently.

Lan Zhan raised an eyebrow. His brain was quickly rummaging through the list of guests, and it dawned on him – there was only one possible answer in fact.

He mumbled:

- A murderer, and now a man-child...

Lan Xichen laughed heartily, but there were notes of bitterness in that laughter too.

- Too right. Yes, you are right. I wish I could control my heart as successfully as I do my mind. Alas.

Lan Zhan nodded. He knew too well what it all meant.

After a pause, he said resolutely:

- You should tell him. If this is your last day with us, you must.

- I am pretty sure I will only get a lot of shouting, Wangji. Nothing else, but noise and resentment. - Zewu-Jun said merrily.

- You don't know that. Wei Ying rejected me many times in the beginning too... Sometimes love is blind, in more ways than one. – he said thoughtfully. – You need closure, Xichen. Do it for yourself. Don't let regret eat away at your soul, as it did with mine.

Lan Xichen tilted his head and looked at his brother carefully and thoughtfully. He realized how much wiser he had become in time.

He approached him, and placed his hand on his shoulder, murmuring:

- Perhaps you're right, Wangji. Perhaps I should.