[[忘羡 | WangXian 3]] : Our Flesh And Bones

[45.] Dark night of the soul.

Lan Wangji was riding back. He hoped with all his soul that the horse got enough rest to take the journey back while he was digging the black soil, sobbing desperately, digging with his bare hands, until his fingers bled; digging deep enough and long enough. 

His exhausted brain was praying to all Gods, to any God, promising rich offerings – just let him be alive. Let him be alright.  He would give anything. He would give anything up. He was swearing it over and over again.

They hadn't been apart for years... Was the core going to hold out? Was Wei Ying going to be alright? The distance wasn't too great, but it was significant. WAs he loved one going to be able to wait for his return?

He had to hope that their passionate lovemaking would make it up for the time and distance. Was their shared core charged enough?

His blood ran cold at the thought. He felt weak, exhausted...

Just when was the last time he had felt genuinely tired?

***

On the way back, the horse underneath him was sweating, protesting, exhausted, and he never noticed that blood was oozing from its hips where his heels had been digging. He stopped only once, to let it drink some water from a stream – he knew now he was very close to home. To him. 

Looking down on his reflection, he winced, disgusted. His face was smeared with tears and dirt. He let his hands rest a little in the icy water, letting it wash away the blood and mud, and he washed his face a little too. The cold kept him alert, and he was deeply thankful that it was winter.

All of this was unimportant. 

Only one was important. Only one.

***

The dusk was giving way to night. The new moon was up in the sky, but light was scarce, and the chill of early winter was biting Lan Wangji's fingers and toes. The door to the master bedroom was still locked, just like he had left it two days ago. The house looked ghostly, empty, and so quiet. Lan Zhan dreaded having to open that door. He dreaded what he might find inside. His heart was torn in two – he needed to rush to him, and at the same time he feared how he might find him... or perhaps – not find him inside at all.

He clenched his teeth – it had to be done. 

He pushed the doors open to find Wei Wuxian peacefully lying in the huge bed, cocooned in resentful energy. It was a pitch black cradle; he looked dead, motionless, still, and Lan Wangji was numb with terror. 

He approached carefully, afraid to make a sound.

"Shame on me. How can I be afraid of my own husband?" –  he thought to himself, full of remorse and reproach.

Taking a deep breath, he came to the bed, leaning in and looking into Wei Ying's face carefully – he seemed asleep. He shivered at the licks of the resentful energy, but still checked his loved one's heartbeat and his breathing, making sure that he was alright. A deep sigh of relief left his chest and he called gently:

- My love? Wei Ying?

As there was no reply, he sat by his side and focused, releasing his cultivation magic to cancel the dark aura. He had to risk this, he had to try and wake him up.

He bit his lip – he feared, but he also knew that it had been precisely the resentful energy that had kept his husband well and protected during those two days  –  kept him alive  -  but he could not leave him like that. The pale blue energy flooded the room, giving Wei Ying's sleeping face a deadly waning glow. 

The resentful energy was soon cancelled, but at what cost?

Lan Wangji felt so very tired. He felt old. All the anguish of the last days had been too much; he just yearned to hug his lover, hold him close, and sleep. Sleep for the next year or so. Yet, he could not rest, not yet. 

Lost in thought, too focused and frowning, he didn't notice that Wei Ying opened his eyes slightly, but his voice tore him out of his trance.

- Hanguang-Jun... Are you still mad at me...? – he asked weakly, turning his face up and trying to smile.

- Wei Ying!  –  Lan Zahn cried out, letting go of his cultivation.

- Lan Zhan, it's late...come to bed? Come to me?

He gasped when he saw that Wei Wuxian's eyes got closed again, and now he seemed to have fallen in a deep sleep. He shook his head and thought that it was most probably the sheer physical exhaustion this time. Wei Ying's body could only take so much for so long.

His pain intensified; he vividly remembered another deep night, another time when he had been so mortified - back in the day, back when they were 17, back on the shores of Lake Lin...

He shook his head to chase the ghosts away.

He had to get a grip.

He was craving for a bath – he felt himself so filthy, and he hated it. But he dared not leave him again. 

How could he? 

He dully took off his clothes and did precisely what he was asked to do – came to bed, naked and shivering with utter fatigue. He wrapped him in his arms, so tight that he imagined he heard his bones crack under the strength of his arms. 

They had been apart for two days... Two days!!! 

Had he abandoned him? 

He blamed himself for it all  –  he should have predicted it all, he should have protected him... all of them.

- Forgive me, my love...  -  he murmured sorrowfully before black sleep took him.

***

It was late at night that Lan Zhan woke up suddenly, feeling light nibbling on his cheek. He turned towards his husband, surprised and confused at first. Wei Ying was here, but why was he himself naked?? 

And then it hit him, all of it at once. Wei Wuxian's face looked flushed, and he feared he might be sick after everything his body had to endure lately. Not enough food, not enough sleep, not enough time to heal and rest...

Wei Wuxian was murmuring, half-asleep still, but unmistakably feeling his loved one by his side and snuggling into him:

- Ahhh... Lan Zhan.. Lan Zhan... You smell like cookies... yummy...  –  he was purring, smiling sweetly.

Lan Wangji bit his lip. He knew that delirium, that dreadful moment when Wei Ying's soul wandered into another realm, touching him, but too far away from him - in a place he could not reach him.

- Darling, I smell like sweat, and horse, and mud...

- No, no. No. You smell like love, Lan Zhan... Always... You smell... like home... Marry me, Lan Zhan? Please?  –   he cuddled even closer, wrapping his body around him.

Lan Zhan fears had come true – he was lost, delirious.

- Yes, my love. Yes. Let's get married.  I love you so very much, Wei Ying... So much...  -  he leaned in and kissed his forehead, rocking him in his arms gently.

- Oh, I'm so glad. I'm so glad, Lan Zhan... I wanted to ask you for the longest time... why haven't I asked you before...?  – he sighed deeply. – I am so silly, Lan Zhan... Forgive me... -  he smiled again, burying his burning face in his husband's chest.

- I forgive you. Fully.  –  Lan Wangji was close to tears; he knew Wei Wuxian won't remember any of this, but he had to put his mind at ease.

- I am... so blessed. I am blessed to have such beautiful love as yours... What did I do to deserve this... I wonder... It was in a previous life, for sure... - he murmured softly, and his face expressed sheer joy. – Do you love me, Hanguang-Jun... Tell me... I have waited for years to hear you say it...

- I love you, deeply. – Lan Wangji repeated. - I love you truly. My soul yearns for you. My heart begs you to come back to me. You are the light of my life, Wei Ying... You are the only one.

- So good, Lan Zhan... So warm... I am so happy...

- Rest, my lovely... Just rest. I am here. I am with you, Wei Ying... We are close, we are one again, my love... Please, rest. 

He kissed his forehead again to check his fever, and watched him doze off blissfully and then fall fast asleep again. 

He locked him in his embrace again, pressing his body to his lover's as much as was possible, yearning for some peace and sleep too.