Hunter: Crossroads

7th September 2014

iBob,

I just-

I cant-

What do-

My heart is still pounding in my ears; that familiar roar blood and adrenaline back. This, right now is the first time it actually scares me as everything suddenly feels completely and utterly hopeless.

Pointless.

Unknown.

Terrifying.

Considering everything I'd been through, this is ridiculous. I am safe. Life has been going so well lately. The rose scented soap near my head is giving me a headache, and there's a wet patch on my ass from a puddle of water leftover in the bath I hadn't noticed when I fell in. Dropped in. I couldn't balance on the ledge anymore and just went with it. Whatever -

Oh, nope, it's water from the bottle I'd managed to sit on.

Just, great.

I'm supposed to be with the girls. Raya isn't throwing up constantly, and Kara has come over for a visit so we're doing girl time or we're supposed to be.

I'm not leaving this tub.

My heels look good against the white porcelain though, they're red. Not a total waste, I guess. All dressed up and here I am, curled up in a bathtub, hiding in a bathroom, writing to you when I should be out with my friends. Dancing. Laughing. A cocktail or two, maybe some champagne.

Maybe some tequila.

Gods, I miss tequila.

I need a tequila or ten right now.

I am going to have to go pee though, I'm so bloated. I drank like, way too much water. I think it's possible to drown yourself by drinking too much. Maybe I'm near that level. The feeling is the same as when I'm fighting, when I'm in danger.

Heart pumping.

Slightly nauseous.

Scared.

Fuck.

It's too dark in here now to be getting that whole bright, white room thing going on unless I don't get that anymore. I wonder how long I have until they start looking for me. I should text to bail. That would give me tonight at least... it's dark. It wasn't before, there's just you iBob. I don't want to see the room around me, I don't want to see anything but you.

I'll keep the lights off.

I'll keep the door locked.

I'll send messages now and I'll stay here for as long as the world lets me.

Just, give me a second-

------------

I close my diary, and pull up my messages, trying not to sound lame or give anyone, namely Kara, reason, to just bust in and drag me out. I can't see them, not tonight. I can't even stop my hand from shaking as I try to type in their names for the group text.

Stupid, Elise.

Stupid.

Stupid.

I hit send right as there's a load crunch, a plastic bottle like the one I'd managed to sit on and as the lights suddenly come on I'm covering my eyes. I even scream; more like in protest not because Kara just scared the crap out of me.

I sent the message too late.

"What the hell? Elise?" She stops and I peek out as my eyes adjust to the light rather than the darkness. "What is happening right now?"

She kicks the empty water bottle to the side, now staring down at me with concern. I watch her look to the bench top beside the tub, and she picks up another empty bottle before looking at me again.

Then she sees it.

I know when she does without even looking, but I do.

Everything stops, the concern on her face deepens, adjusts to something else as her eyes widen and her lips part, yet she says nothing. Slowly she looks at me, then at the boxes that litter the floor with the bottles. Ever so slowly she reaches out and picks up one many white sticks before dropping it as if it had bitten her. Kara steps closer, leaning down to look at another as if she's inspecting a crime scene.

The silence is killing me and I slide up to sit in the tub instead, taking off my shoes before I hug my legs and wait for her to do something. Instead she steps into the bath and eases herself down to sit opposite me. The roar in my ears becomes deafening once again, and I think I might pass out, or throw up which wouldn't be ideal considering Kara's current position.

"So-" She starts.

I nod.

"They're all positive?" I nod again, as she glances at the nearest one. "Four to five weeks?"

More nodding.

Then I start to cry, which seems to scare Kara as much as it scares me. She scoots closer, pulling me against her in a similar way my mum used to hold me when I was younger which is oddly comforting. She strokes my hair, pats my back and lets me get everything I hadn't realised I was holding back, out. When I finally stop, I almost, possibly, feel better. Well, I'm feeling something which is better than the terrified numbness from earlier.

"Elise," She says delicately, like she knows one wrong step would have me starting all over again.

I shake my head, sit up, wipe my eyes and take a deep breath. Two words. Just two words, that will make it real, and are all I have to say. My throat closes up, my hands start to shake and I close my eyes so I don't have to see her reaction because right now, her kindness and sympathy are only making it worse.

I can't do it.

I can't do this.

I can't yet I do, the words barely audible as I pretend she isn't there.

"I'm pregnant."