Everything Went Last

Phase 4

Phase 4

"Alam mo. I miss the smell of paintings, I really do, and such like the way I stroke. Gusto ko ulit gumuhit. Gusto ko ipinta iyong ginuhit ko kanina." I told him honestly. I really do miss it, but I'm still scared of the outcome of what will I do. It's not like the way before that I don't really care about how it will turns out. Gusto ko bumalik ito nang natural dahil ganoon ko rin siya nadiskubre.

Painting becomes the sole purpose of how will I show my unsaid thoughts. My paintings before are bright and colorful it was genuine that I see the colors beyond what it just seen. But when I was slowly losing my passion with this it becomes dark and obscure, it's like telling me how am I with it. It's hard for me because it becomes something I don't want to do anymore because it becoming something I ought not to be.

But that's how art works. Sometimes it was bright and colorful, then sometimes it becomes dark and blues. But still art, but I don't feel like it. Hindi ganoon ang aking istilo, kung kaya'y pag magpipinta ulit ako, ipipinta ang aking iginuhit kahit wala itong kulay gaya ng dati kong istilo gusto ko lang makita kung paano ito. Dahil pakiramdam ko ay may koneksyon ako rito.

"Why not try it?" He asked me. "Lagi mo akong itinutulak to reach the things I wanted. Tapos ikaw, you don't. Isn't that so contradicting?" Natahimik ako dahil sa sinabi niya dahil totoo naman na lagi ko siyang itinutulak para gawin ang mga bagay na gusto niyang abutin. While I on the other hand refrain myself from doing it. Tila ba'y pinagkakaitan ko ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na kaya ko namang gawin pero nadadala ako sa takot minsan.

Of course. I want to do things, but I don't feel like I want to do it right now, so, I refrain myself. It feels so selfish to make myself out of it. Marahil ay totoo ngang maramot ako sa sarili kong kagustuhan dahil ayoko itong gawin.

"Oo, sobrang gulo nga. Pero alam mo naman I'm trying to move on with that phase in my life."  I said to him seriously. It was the phase of my life where I kept being reminded of how this is my first love. Gusto ko nang makalimutan iyon dahil masakit pa sa akin. The wound is still cut deep in me that healing from it feels like it's too long. Ilang taon na rin pero hindi ko pa rin pala kaya.

Napabuntong hininga siya dahil sa totoo lang. Every time we talk about this even though he is art related and wants me to jive with it. Lagi kong tinatanggihan dahil hindi ko pa kaya.

"Hayst, Ewan ko sayo." Pagsuko niya dahil alam niya na hindi ko pa rin talaga kayang gawin ang isang bagay na matagal ko nang tinalikuran.

"Tell me when you're ready, okay? I will be there for you, too, the way you are to me." Mahinahon niyang sinabi. I just nodded to tell him I will.

Tinuloy na namin ang kumain. I stared at him longer. My man you're getting there I'm so proud of you. Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko bang sasabihin dahil sa totoo lang, being proud is understatement, I can be loud at all telling the world, this man is fine, he is great. Hindi pa man siya nasa tuktuk pero ang daan paakyat doon ay hindi ganoon kadali. Maraming beses din siyang nagduda sa kakayahan niya pero heto siya ngayon. Malapit na kaunting tiis na lang.

Minsan napapaisip ako. He's thriving now and here I am, yes, successful enough but still not living the thing I want. Casually, nagmumuni-muni lang ako. Napapaisip nalang talaga ako sa mga bagay na ganoon. But this time is not the right time to think about it. How straight and sure his life is. Hindi ako naiinggit pero pakiramdam ko'y wala pa rin akong patutunguhang direksiyon.

I love how he is so sure about his life. Iyon ang isa nagustuhan ko sa kanya dahil siya ang naging direksiyon ko noong panahon na nawala na ako sa tamang landas. He stayed with me, even though it hurts him. Remembering that time it test our relationship since we still starting building our foundation and building to establish our relationship. Siya lang yung nagpapaalala sa'kin na ayos lang hindi pa tapos ang laban.