Everything Went Last

Phase 20

Note: Read the prologue again in the middle of this part. I will just excerpt some added voice. Salamat.

Phase 20

It bitterly spread in me what I said. I can't just say I am relieved because I'm surely not. The aftertaste of trying to become what you did not become-tasted bitterly. It overshadows the fact that I am not who I said. I don't want them to end like me.

Mas gugustuhin kong makita sa kanila na hindi matatapos ang pangarap nila dahil pakiramdam nila hindi talaga iyon para sa kanila.

"Wow," manghang saad ng babae sa akin. She smiled genuinely at me. "That was heartwarming. Guys makinig kayo kay Miss sa kanyang sinabi." Pangaral niya habang tutok na tutok sa camera.

"Salamat Miss sa iyong oras." Paalam niya sa akin kaya naman tinanguan ko siya.

I looked again at my canvas, and it dawned on me that I had to think again about my life decisions.

I took my things and went to my apartment. Habang nasa daan ako ay naisip ko ang mga bagay na dapat ko ng isaalang-alang. Tulad ng aking relasyon kay Aaron. Isa ito sa pinaka naapektuhan.

"Kaye bakit gano'n?" Natatawang saad ko kahit na alam ko naman sa sarili ko ang totoo.

I'm scared to admit to myself that it is already over...

It was not that easy, but I know it's already a done deal. Emotions aside because I have been emotional lately, and what comes is not something I expected.

Bakit parang ang bilis?

Is that how I am?

It is scary how it ended this way. I am not expecting it to end this way. To the extent that it was only he fighting for us.

I don't want him to carry more burden from it.

Oo nga naman puwede pang pag-usapan. Pero natatakot ako sa maaari kong masabi. Hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko.

I don't want to hurt him more with my misery. He does not deserve this. He has been with me for so long and endured so much for me. If letting him go is saving us from more pain that I can cause. Then I'm willing to end it.

He shouldn't be suffering anymore. He has more to give than staying with me. I have to heal myself. I shouldn't drag him again with this. Tama na 'yong nangyari noon. Keeping him means he has to have this baggage again. Hindi dapat gano'n 'yon.

If pursuing again what I buried in the grave is ending things we have, then I have to do what is right.

Nang makarating ako sa aking apartment. I went on my sofa and put my head on the headrest. I put my hand in pist and put it on my lips.

"Hindi ko na dapat pa pinatagal," I said in realization, remembering what that stranger said again.

Prolonging it means hurting him more. That it shouldn't be...I have to make up my mind before I regret it more.

This love that I'm giving isn't the love it deserves.

"Why did I even come late to know these things. That is why I am so distant lately," bangon ko. "Hindi na dapat gano'n."

May hangganan naman kung ano ang dapat. This will never be easy to break to him knowing that I should be coming back with good news, not this.

"He doesn't deserve any less," mahinang saad ko. "I can't even be better for myself, and I should be better for him. But I don't think that I can..."

Kita naman sa akto ko kung ano ako ngayon. And he settles... Hindi na dapat. I should have known, but again, it didn't come that quickly. Naayos naman lahat pero ako itong hindi mapakali sa kinalalagyan ko.