Everything Went Last

Phase 15

Phase 15

My week went by so fast. Aaron and I went back to normal as we used to. Both of us are now okay.

That day, when we talk about the things that happen, it hits me so hard because I am keeping everything in me. The pain of yesterday that I buried is now bruising and coming back.

I think it's time to face it. I was still having a hard time doing my work, and it's affecting the team. It was on me, I keep on apologizing because I'm being burdened to them. It keeps going back on the loop, but I have to fix it.

"Ayos lang, Kaye," pag-alo nila sa akin. But I shook my head and did my work. Even though It's getting harder and harder, as days go by.

"Kaye, listen," Chloe said on me. As she held my face. "Hindi mo magagawa ng maayos 'yan kahit na ano'ng gawin mo kung hindi ka makikininig sa akin. You can pause sometimes, ayos lang na magkamali. Ang hindi ayos ay 'yang ginagawa mo sa sarili mo."

"I had to get this right, Chloe," I replied.

Tumango siya sa akin at ngumiti ng tipid. "Alam ko... You don't need to dwell with yourself."

"Pero-" I was cut off.

"Again, you can't finish that if you continue being like that." Tapik niya sa akin. "Magpahinga ka muna." She said and walked to her seat.

I washed my face out of frustration. Naayos naman na ang gusot na ginawa ko last week, and it happened again this week. I feel so dumb...

Last week is understandable because I have a problem, but this week isn't... Sarili ko na lang ito. I feel so embarrassed because this is happening. My mind is playing with me, making me feel like again this is not what I want. I feel like it's tricking my brain to feel like I'm failing. Sobra na ang nasa isip ko dahil gulong-gulo na ako sa mga nangyayari.

I feel miserable with the work I do. I remembered what I was years ago, when I enjoy and love the way I do. Painting is one of the things I love the most until I buried it the day my father died. He inspires me the most when it comes with this. And I always thought that I would be like him painting his heart out. But when he died, my passion also died.

It's been so long, almost a decade when he died, and yet I didn't mourn for myself with his death. Hindi ko kayang tanggapin at mas lalong kayang pakawalan ang lahat.

Now, remembering about him brings back so much memory. I think it's time to go visit his grave. Pagkatapos nang work ko ngayong araw dumiretso ako sa flowershop para bumili ng bulaklak at ng isang kandila para sa kanyang

Nang nasa daan ako patungo sa kanyang puntod. The hollow in my stomach is churning. It feels so heavy as I go there. I know, I never came here after his burial. I don't want to face this thing because I know once I face it, I have to accept he is gone.

I lived with it... Na kahit hindi ko tanggap na wala siya ay parang sinanay ko na lang ang sarili ko.

Coming here in his graveyard never crossed my mind until this day. I didn't know that I still had to go here. I unlocked the gate before entering. May isa-isa kaming susi nila mommy ngunit ngayon ko lang ginamit itong akin.

It is a private place, that's why it was locked. Nilibot ko ang tingin ko sa kanyang puntod. I saw some of his paintings being displayed here. Isa roon ay ang painting na ginawa naming tatlo nina Kitana. I never knew that they put it here because I never visited.

Nagpunta na ako ngayon sa harapan ng kanyang puntod. Malinis ang paligid halatang lagi itong napapamalagian at nililinis dahil wala akong makita na dumi rito. I also saw candles and dried flowers. I put down the one I bought and lightened my candle. I uttered a silent prayer before I opened my eyes.