Everything Went Last

Phase 17

hi! i only want to say, i'm more of thoughts and feelings. i don't really know places that much, but time will tell when i learned how to express it more. i'd love to see me grow also. please be patient. salamat!

***
Phase 17

"Why did I end up this way?" Sumbong ko kay Daddy while I was in his grave.

Do I still love what I do, or I was just hanging with it? Hindi ko kayang itatak sa isip ko kung ano ang nangyayari. Unti-unti na akong nawawala sa kung ano ang nasa harapan ko.

"Dad, why is it hard to be here?" Tanong ko ulit. Na ani mo'y sasagutin lahat ng mga katanungan ko.

"When I talked with Mommy last time. Ang sabi niya sa akin, I shouldn't prison myself to what I could be..."

"Pero Daddy hindi ko alam," iyak ko sa kanya.

I feel nothing but shame and being a burden. Sa lahat ng mga nangyayari nitong nakaraan parang hindi ko na sila kayang harapin.

These days feel so ruckus. I don't know what to do anymore... It's too tiring to cry and go on your day like nothing inside you is about to explode.

Tiningnan ko ang puntod ng aking ama 'tsaka ito hinaplos. It was like asking him again to guide me, like how he guided when I was starting to paint. Napapikot ako ng mariin 'tsaka minulat ang aking mata. It has been a frustrating week for me because it feels like I'm drowning myself.

Tumayo ako sa pagkaupo at pinagpagan ang aking pantalon. I bid my goodbye and walked out. Afterwards, I locked the gate. Pagkatapos ko itong i-lock ay biglang nag-ring ang aking cellphone. I accepted it after seeing the callers ID.

"Hello," malamyang bati ko.

"Hi, baby. Are you okay?" Nag-aalalang tugon niya sa akin.

"Uh, yes, I guess," I replied vaguely.

It's been weeks since it happened. Nag-uusap pa rin naman kami araw-araw ngunit parang sobrang dami na nangyari sa nakalipas na linggo. I feel so uncertain how I feel. It feels like a cycle. Paulit-ulit na lang. I actually don't feel like how I used to.

"Are you sure?" Maingat na tanong niya na para bang tinitimbang kung ano ang sasabihin ko.

"Yes," I said immediately. It was an internal problem that I felt like I should fix it on my own. Ayokong idamay ang nasa paligid ko, at sa nakalipas na araw ay nasagasahan ko na iyon. I don't want them to be affected by how negative the things that are happening are affecting me so much. Kung maaari lang sanang gano'n pero trabaho ko ang sobrang naapektuhan pati na rin ang mga malalapit sa akin.

"Okay. Nasaan ka ngayon?" Kalamadong tanong niya. I sighed in relief that he didn't bulge much even though I knew he felt there's something wrong. I can't really answer him how things have been rough to me. Wala naman siyang kasalanan do'n, ako 'tong gumagawa naman nito sa sarili ko.

Para siyang bangungot na hirap na hirap akong gumising. I feel so light lately that it feels like I'm floating. Floating with my misery.

Tumikhim ako bago sumagot, "I'm on my way home. I just got out on my father's grave." I said, answering his question.

Tumahimik bigla ang kabilang linya habang ako naman ay naglalakad patungo sa aking kotse.

"You finally visited Tito Karlos?" Surpresang tanong niya sa akin.

Naitikom ko bigla ang aking bibig 'tsaka dinilian ang aking labi. I opened my car and sat on the drivers seat. My eyes went big when I realized I hadn't told anyone about this yet.

"Yes, finally," saad ko. But I do feel guilty when reality literally hits me how I've been the past few weeks.

"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin?" Nahihimigan ang pagkakyuryoso niya. "Does Tita Alicia know?"