Everything Went Last

Phase 16

Phase 16

Doing what you love is something that you should live for. But what if the one you loved the most is nowhere to be found in the field of work you were in.

Mas lalo akong pumalpak sa aking trabaho. Hindi ko alam dahil ba ito ang isa sa hindi ko inaasahan gagawin ko sa buhay. I always have it in my head that this is not what I want, but here I am living with it.

"What are you doing, Kaye?" Banas ko sa aking sarili."You have it with yourself. You're doing great already, then what the hell is this."

Naiinis na sabi ko sa sarili ko habang nakatingin sa aking laptop. I'm at my apartment while ranting this. Dahil hindi ko makuha-kuha nang maayos ang dapat kong gawin.

I have always been doing great jobs and have been working for years here. Why am I being like this again this time? I feel like every sense in me has flown. Nililipad na lahat ng kaalaman ko.

Nakaligtaan ko na rin ang mga tao sa paligid ko dahil dito. I feel so ashamed with my performance lately. Tatlong buong linggo na ganito ako...

I feel like I needed to reassess myself with the things that I do. It's making me out of what my potential is...

Huminga ako nang malalim habang nakatingin sa aking monitor. Napasabunot ako sa aking ulo dahil sa frustration na nararamdaman ko. Oo, wala naman kaming problema ni Aaron, at kahit sino wala naman pero bakit ganito?

This is making me insane... I want to scream on myself for being like this. Days have been passed by since I visited my father, and I have said things to him that hurt me.

Magmula nang mamatay siya naging mailap ako sa tao. Aaron and I were together at the time. He is patient and understood why I became like that. Kasi alam niya kung ano ang pinagdaanan ko. He never goes beyond the line to make me open up myself with what hurts me.

Nito ka lang napatunayan kung gaano ako makasarili. I never mourn for my father, I never accepted the fact that he is gone. I always just live with it... The people around me just watched turn into someone they didn't expect. It was a simple act, but people around me saw and knew that I was doing it as my outlet. Tinalikuran ko kung ano ako dati dahil hindi ko kayang tanggapin kung ang pagkawala ng aking ama.

Painting has defined what I am. I cried and bleed for the love of art-it became my home, and when I turned around with what my love for it. I become dead. Colorless. Dull. And everything in gray. There was no yellow, blue, green, and red in me-it became black and white. My love for it has never faded. It stayed inside me. Until I buried it down.

Paulit-ulit na lang, oo, pero iyon ang totoo. It was a struggle for me now, after years of telling myself that it is okay going the opposite of what your pursuit is... Ngunit sobrang bigat sa kalooban na kung saan tapos na ang lahat at ika'y namamalagi na sa katauhan na ginawa mo para sa sarili mo ay parang may malaking bato na tumupok sa'yo.

I felt a tear dropping down my cheeks. I laughed and sob... I never regretted anything, but somehow, it made me think.

"Am I doing it right?" Mahinang bulong ko sa sarili ko.

I never thought again that this day would come. Sobrang bilis ng pangyayari... When my father was ailing with pain alone, he never showed weakness-he is the strong man we looked up. Nang makita ko siya sa hospital na nanghihina para akong binagsakan ng lupa. He used a facade, making us believe that everything was fine. When I saw him dying on the bed and telling me to live and do what I dreamed for. Parang abo nawala ang kagustuhan kong gawin ang bagay na pinakagusto ko.

Ngayon na nasa kabilang dako na ako ng kung ano man ang pinapangarap ko. Hindi ko mawari kung tama lang ito.

"You are better than this," Pag-alo ko sa sarili ko kahit na pakiramdam ko ay walang-wala na ako.