Everything Went Last

Phase 19

Phase 19

Sa halos isang linggo ko sa Puerto Galera, hindi ko alam pero mas lalong naging malinaw sa akin. I already stopped doing things I used to. After that, talk with that stranger...

She knocked something within me. Ilang araw na rin ang lumipas nang mag-usap kami. She didn't push and go through the context. She gave me space to think about my words and slowly opened up.

"Salamat po ma'am!" Bati ng staff sa akin palabas ng aking hotel room. Napag-isipan ko na umuwi na dahil isang linggo na rin.

"Balik po kayo rito!"

"Sana po na-enjoy ninyo ang stay niyo, ma'am..."

I smiled as they said those words. I'm heading back home.

Habang ako'y nasa biyahe ay naisip ko kung ano ang nangyari sa nagdaang mga araw. It was so sullen and empty. It pains me so much.

My mind carries the burden and pain, but surely there's more than that.

"What could go wrong?" Mahinang tanong ko sa sarili ko.

When I got into my apartment. I opened my phone, finally after a week of not opening it.

I receive hundreds of messages. I don't want to open any of it yet.

As I get in, I feel like I'm in a foreign place. I've been here for so long... Yet it was strange that I felt so foreign.

"What feeling is this?" Tulirong anas ko dahil naninibago ako. Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung ano ang nararamdaman ko.

I slowly walked and put my things in my room. Nilibot ko ang aking tingin sa aking kwarto. Hindi ko mapangalanan kung ano 'yong parang nagbago.

Naisip ko na naman ang mga katagang sinabi sa akin nong babae.

Hindi naman kami magtatagal ng gano'n kung hindi namin pinili manatili hindi ba?

I went inside my bathroom and stared in the mirror. There I saw my reflection, she felt nothing the Kaye Arvie of weeks ago. I didn't feel like glowing right now, I felt so empty in this apartment. I have been here for years. Why now?

"Ano'ng nangyayari sa'yo?" I said, staring in the mirror.

It was a big slap for me what she said. It lingers and creeps within me. It didn't bug me for days while I was in Puerto Galero. But while I was on my way home, I came to a.

Sobrang bigat...

Hindi kami magkakilala pero parang kilala niya lahat pati kaloob-looban ko. What she said stings even though it is not meant to be like that. Huwag ko raw gawin ang isang bagay na pagsisihan ko. Same thing Kitana said on me.

I stared in the mirror. There, I saw myself-tired eyes, sunburned cheeks. Hooded eyes staring like a hawk, a pointy nose, and full lips. I smiled bitterly at my reflection.

I pointed to myself, "You look so fierce, yet you are nothing like how you like. Sobrang tanga mo!" I said, pointing at myself.

"You got it all," I said irritably. "Yet you seem so out of your mind. You're a stranger within yourself." I laughed.

Hindi ko alam pero nababaliwa na ako. It gave me clarity, yet I still feel lost. It gave me peace, yet it was chaotic. I went on a vacation, losing track of everything. I enjoyed it, but here I am again.

I self-sabotage clearly, and it embarrasses me even. It should stop there...

"You're self-aware, but why are you punishing yourself?"

Galit na galit ako sa sarili ko. I could've done better, but because of my cowardice, I bounced back.

I washed myself up after I said things about myself. After washing myself, I did my usual night routine. As I tucked myself to sleep. I closed my eyes and silently prayed for a sign of whether I should start building myself.