Everything Went Last

Phase 13

The last chapter was a long one... I don't know if I provided enough of the feeling of confusion and argument. I was catching strays with it. I want to consume the phase of how Arvie gets into that phase. If it feels like that. I'm an amateur writer, I don't know if I'm pacing it right, so I apologize right now. It was a long and eerily feeling, but the agony of writing this for so long is notable. And to tell you guys honestly, it was hard knowing I need to catch the essence and emotions to convey it right. More patience... I would love to see me grow, as you guys also see it. You'd know I'm growing. High school life(10th Grade) caught me up before when I started this, and now I'm in my college year. It was getting out in my comfort zone to write this and try to go all in with it.

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Phase 13

Nagising ako na ang bigat ng aking pakiramdam. Kinusot ko ang aking mata at biglang naalala kung ano ang nangyari kagabi.

I yawned and fixed my hair before getting up on my bed. Last night felt like the most dire thing that happened to us.

I don't know what was on his mind. Tinanggap niya lang kung ano ang eksplenasyon ko at umuwi na. It wouldn't conceal anything because last night was very messy. We are supposed to have fun, but it ended up like that.

Gusto kong sumama ang loob ko kay Rida, pero kung hindi dahil sa kanya hindi naman ako maglalakas loob na sabihin - Like, I know she crossed the line, and she's drunk last night. It was a compelling one because it hit so hard.

Napabuntong hininga na lang ako saka inayos ang aking higaan. It was long overdue to not talk about it, I know my fault was keeping it in my tab and delaying it. It was a trigger for both of us. Because I feel like we are not at the same level of what we wanted in the future.

His vision is already clear. While I was not yet. Gano'n ang tingin ko dahil sa reaksyon niya kagabi. I know, I'm concluding what his thoughts could be, but basing how we ended last night. He just understood my side, and he didn't talk about his thoughts about it. Nangiti ako nang mapait at tumango tango.

"You know he is understanding, Kaye," I said, talking to myself. "Then you are so chaotic and messy last night. Alam mong parehas kayong hindi nasa tamang estado, tapos magulo pa kayo." Sabi ko sa sarili ko.

I went to my bathroom and washed my face. As I stare in the mirror, all I see is a person with too much uncertainty in her.

"You are the one who makes things complicated," pointing myself in the mirror.

"You keep things on your tab," sabi ko. "Bakit 'di mo naisip. That your friends knew about it..."

Sabi ko na tangang-tanga sa sarili ko.

I know I had already explained it. But the guilt and the pang in my chest haven't subsided. Seeing his reaction last night felt like I did it wrong. It was not a sin, but the feeling was like you were betrayed, and the cuts were not deep, but the pain of knowing it would do.

Hindi ko naman iibahin kung ano ang sinabi ko kagabi, pero yung lugar at panahon hindi naayon sa gusto kong iparating. Sobrang layo sa inaasahan kong pag-uusap namin.

There were many things that happened these past few days. It was like the timing and the place don't come with it. It should give us the time to talk it out slowly, but I guess things happen.

Naghanda na ako ng sarili ko para pumunta sa simbahan, at mamaya ay dadalaw ako kina Mommy. I want to have a word with my Mom about these things.

I need her words to soothe me. Kung tama ba iyong ginawa ko o hindi. I know, I'm already grown up, but I want to know her opinion about this.