Everything Went Last

Prologue

Prologue

"Let's end this relationship." I firmly said to him.

Ang akala ko ay siya na pero hindi pala. I'm breaking up with him because I don't know. I can't even tell myself what's the real reason. Or I'm just running away from the fact. That in the middle of this run I stopped running. Sa gitna ng pagsasagwan naming dalawa na pagod ako sa gitna. In the middle of this war, I'm starting to see the near end. Hindi ko alam sobrang sakit nito sa dibdib. Kasi mahal ko siya, sobrang mahal ko siya pero ito ako ngayon nasa harapan niya tinatapos kung anong sinimulan naming dalawa.

"Kaye, you're kidding right? Hindi 'yan totoo," Hindi makapaniwalang saad niya sa'kin.

Umiling ako habang lumuluha. Hindi ko masabi sa kanya yung totoo na wala na 'yong pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

"No, I'm not kidding about this . Let's end this relationship. Let's break up." I told him. Looking straight into his eyes.

"No, no. You must be mistaken Kaye. Please 'wag namang ganito," he pleaded.

Umiling ako. Hindi ito isang pagkakamali. Kasi sinong gaga't tanga ang papakawalan s'ya? He's too good to be true. I mean he's ideal, he's no match. Pero ako 'yong mali e, ako itong problema. I can't find myself loving him. Yung wala namang iba. How could I do that to him? Eh he's so loving, caring ,and everything you wish for it just that I get tired. Hindi lang pala lang kasi hindi na pala siya.

Sobrang sakit...

Ayoko siyang pakawalan pero the more I grip on him tightly the more it loosen up. Yung kapit ko sa kanya. If only I could be stronger to hold him but I really can't. Kasi I can't be stronger for myself. Nawalan ako nang gana sa lahat.

Imagine, what those people will tell at me. Baka murahin pa nga ako kasi pinakawalan ko ang isang siya. I know I'm cursing myself many times,too. Sobrang tinanong ko rin ang sarili ko. Maraming tanong na bakit, hindi ko mahanap ang totoong sagot.

"You just comeback," sabi n'ya sa akin."Baka pagod ka lang. Pahinga ka muna aalis muna ako ng mahiwagaan ka." Sabi n'ya halatang ayaw pa niya akong pakawalan at pinapaniwala niya lang ang sarili niya na hindi ito totoo.

Mas lalo akong napaiyak.

Bakit ko ba siya sinasaktan ng ganito?

Paano ko naatim? Wala naman siyang ginawa kung hindi ang mahalin ako. I'm so bad for hurting him like this. But what I can do? I'm doing it. Sinasaktan ko na siya sa paraang hindi karapat dapat. I don't deserve his love.

I know how bad person I am. Hindi ko sinasabing ito lang ako. Because I'm not that vain. I'm so helpless because this is the only thing I can do that I know, it was right. Hindi ko na kayang mananatili kasi hindi na talaga siya. Staying longer with him means hurting him more. I can't afford that. I want to do this right even it hurts the both of us.

I'm so lost...

I'm so tired...

I can't find the reason to love him...

Kasi hindi na siya. I can't love him the way I used to.

I can't find the right word to explain what I'm feeling right now. Kasi alam ko nasasaktan ko na siya. But the longer I stay with him, the longer I hurt myself and him. Kasi I know he feel it ,too. I'm no longer the girl he has.

Hindi na ako yung babaeng nagmahal sa kanya nang sobra. I know he felt it. I'm slowly slipping away to his grasp. He wants to held back on me but I'm the one who's going away from him.

"Please 'wag naman ganito Kaye." He beg at me.

Umiling lang ako.

He hold my hand but I quickly remove it.