Everything Went Last

Phase 14

Phase 14

After that talk to my mother. I feel like I was still that kid again. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit parang binalik muli ako sa nakaraan na pilit kong limutin.

Maybe I am...

I nodded my head. Baka gano'n nga. I am that person who's very cowardly. They may not say it loud... but the silence was there.

Takot na takot akong ilabas kung ano ako. I buried down every potential thing I have because I don't want to live with it anymore. Now that it is hunting me. Ang hirap palang tumakbo.

Siguro nga tama sila...

I am now questioning myself. Did I do it wrong? Should I know it all? Hindi ko alam.

I went inside my car. After bidding, my good bye to my mom. I beeped my car.

My mind is raising that I have to stop it somewhere. I stopped my car, and I banged my head in the steering wheel. I couldn't scream my thoughts. It felt like anytime I would explode.

"Why?" Tanong ko sa sarili ko.

Ako lang naman makakasagot no'n. But how am I gonna know the answer when here I am running away with it. It's been so long since it happened. Matagal-tagal na rin ngayon pa ako minumulto ng aking nakaraan. I was never ready to hear it, and now I'm confused...

Litong-lito na ako...

Sobrang bigat sa loob. I fear that everyone expects me to with it, but to be honest, I have never acknowledged it for me. It happens, and I have never questioned it-I was hurt, and it pained me, but I let it be because that how I got to deal with it. Now that things are haunting me...

Ang hirap na ngayon para silang multo na nagpapakita sa akin. I never grieve for what I killed inside me. I never tried to be with it and stay with it because I ran away with it because I'm a coward who can't face this kind of situation.

Marriage for me before was very ideal... It still is, but I wasn't ready enough today to even see myself getting married. Even to him. Sobrang laking responsibilidad para sa akin kung ako mismo ay tinatakbuhan ang nakaraan na ngayon ay narito na.

I buried my dreams to be away with it. Na maski hawakaan at alalahanin iyon ay takot ako na gawin.

"You got this," alo ko sa sarili ko.

Ipinupukpok ko ang ulo ko aking manibela. I groaned and started my car after gathering all my thoughts. On my way home. I can't comprehend a thing, but I move away with it.

Pagka-park ko ng sasakyan. I opened my phone, and I received a message from Aaron. I smiled a little and felt a sense of relief. Alam ko na ako naman ang may kasalanan, pero ang makita ang mensahe niya parang nabunutan ako ng tinik sa aking dibdib Masiyadong mabigat para sa akin iyonpero mas lalo sa kanya.

Aaron:
Okay, baby. We will talk for some other time. I understand it, and we settled it last night. But of course, we need to talk again. Good morning also! Have a blessed Sunday, baby.

He replied around 9, I was inside the church and didn't bother to look at my phone. At pagkatapos no'n ay dumiretso agad ako kila Mommy.

I breathe out loud before replying.

Ako:
Sorry for the late reply. I didn't bother to check it since I was in church. Yes, we will, when you're ready.

I clicked the send button minutes after I sent it. My phone suddenly rang and looked at the callers ID. It is Aaron, so I answered it quickly after a few.

"Hi..." mahinang sabi ko.

I walked inside my apartment while waiting for his response. I heard heavy breathing in the other line.