HUNGRY EYES || J.JK × Reader ✔

chapter 21 | Boys

"Don't you have feelings for each other? Have you ever felt anything more than brotherly love?"

I smile at this question but understand her point of view, and why she has a hard time believing that we are nothing more than friends. "I...No," I shake my head. "I never had romantic feelings for him, he's really just...I mean, I know that I say that I love him, and I hope you don't misunderstand that, but I love him and not romantically. It's obvious that it is not a simple friendship, but I don't know how to explain," I put my chopsticks down, feeling nervous in this situation. I never know how to explain myself and make sure the person I talk to does not think I am lying to myself and them as well.

I clear my throat and look down at the table. "I can't really tell you too much about his life because this is private, and I'm not sure he would want you to know about this yet, but to make it short and pretty clear, he has never been loved by his dad, he's never been treated like he should have, he's scared of him, but the worst about it is that he blames himself for everything that happens to him. He doesn't realize that he's not at fault, he just believes that he's stupid and that he's not a good son so that it is why his dad has the right to treat him like that, but I've been aware of that since we became close, I lived some moments that were terrifying and kinda traumatic which got me to not want to let him go back to his house anymore unless I'm by his side. So...I feel like all those things made me get very attached to him, and I know that I'm the only one he trusts, the only who he knows truly love him, the only one in who he can find comfort, and who he knows will never leave him...you know...and on top of that, I'm the type of person who doesn't give a damn about what a friend shouldn't do with another friend if that makes sense."

"Does that mean, like, you don't mind doing the thing with a friend?" she quickly slips this question between my words. "No, that's not what I mean by that. I mean..." I sigh but chuckle in an anxious way. "I don't want you to think that I'm a fuckboy or something okay? I will never do it with a girl if she's not my girlfriend. However...there's something different with boys. I am a very curious person, and I'm not scared to be honest about what I want, so I meant by that, I'm not like 'Oh, I'm straight', or 'No, I'm not gay or bi', I really don't give a damn about those labels, so if I want to kiss a boy, I kiss him, and I'm not gonna be like 'Yeah, but that maybe means that I'm low-key bi', I won't think or care about it."

"Ah alright, I see," she does not make me feel uncomfortable by being judgmental, and I feel the relaxing effect of this release the tension in my body. "That's why I don't mind kissing or hugging Hojun, but again, Hojun is special. It's just that I don't care about what people might say or think about my sexuality because I know that I can only do that with guys, and not girls because I won't fall in love with a guy while I know that if I ever start to kiss a girl or do more with her like hugging, letting her give me nicknames and act like my girl, I'm going to catch feelings, and I'll end up falling in love with all my female friends because physical affection can quickly turn into one-sided love and ruin a friendship since I easily fall in love with someone."

"And have you already kissed Hojun on the lips?" she continues, her curiosity leading her. "Well...we already kissed each other, but the thing is that it happened around two years ago. We were just chilling together, and that was only a few weeks after I broke up with my first girlfriend, but we were watching TV together because it was summer, and we went to the beach for a whole week that we spent alone in one hotel room that my parents paid for us, and like, we came back from a busy day, we were tired and ate dinner, then we got on my bed to watch a drama because Hojun didn't want to be alone on his bed—"

"Wait, you spent a whole week all alone?" she points this out as if this was surprising, and I nod. "Yeah, that was cool as ever."

"I wish I could stay a whole week at the beach, but anyway, you can keep going," she feels and for cutting me off, but I smile at her. "We could go this summer, you know."