Time Is Nothing (John Frusciante)

Chapter 40

"And last, but not least, we would like to offer this gift to my dearest friend and maid of honor, who has always been by my side and put such effort into this wedding. Thank you for being the dedicated friend that you are!"

Cecilia suddenly felt a light nudge against her shoulder that shook her back into reality. Everybody's eyes were on her, inspecting with interest and waiting.

"They're addressing you," she then heard Jessica's brother Chris whisper into her ear.

"Oh, uhm..," Cecilia mumbled as she stood from her seat and made her way to the bride and groom, accepting the mentioned gift and exchanging well wishes.

"Pay attention, maid of honor," she then heard Chris snicker into her ear again as soon as she made it back to the table.

"Getting harder with every second," she laughed and took a sip from the single glass of champagne that she had made her companion for the evening.

It was the evening of Jessica's wedding's rehearsal dinner and as much as Cecilia loved her best friend and as happy as she was for her, this dinner was so very boring and so very long that she couldn't help, but to let her mind slip away every once in a while. Being part of a wedding party as maid of honor was just as exhausting as Cecilia initially thought it would be, but yet again, it served as a good way of keeping herself busy and her mind on all things other than John. Cecilia didn't even know how, but after almost a year since the day when she opened her eyes in that hospital, she had finally managed to pick herself up enough to become a somewhat of a functioning human being again. She had started to enjoy herself around her family and friends after such a long time and that was something Cecilia was eternally grateful for, because at first..

The pain was unbearable. Cecilia ended up spending a whole week in that hospital, getting all sorts of tests and analysis done and then getting the results and then watching her mom cry over everything and then crying herself over everything and then getting mad at the world over everything, but during that whole time she waited and hoped that perhaps there would be a phone call from John or that maybe the next time she woke up he would be there, standing right next to her bed and smiling, but that never happened. He didn't call and he didn't come to the hospital and with every passing day Cecilia could almost physically feel a piece of her heart being cut out and then gassed and torched.

She couldn't understand how he could care so little after everything they had been through and after all the beautiful vows they had exchanged and after all the love they had ever made and after.. After she had almost died while carrying his baby. Did he really not care at all anymore? Cecilia didn't know what to think and how to feel and after a while, the words Jessica once said started to resonate more and more – he was just not her John anymore.

And as the days went by, the pain was soon joined with anger and that is when she made the decision that this was it. She was never going to go back to that apartment again, not even to get her belongings, not even to say goodbye, nothing. She didn't want to see him and she didn't want him to see her and how broken she was and what she had turned into. She had begged John to stop this madness countless of times and never had he even considered turning things around. Cecilia had to admit the defeat – this time she really couldn't fix him and what was left of them. The only person she could care for from then on was herself and even as she didn't really have an idea of how she was going to do it, she was set on making it happen.

But determined as she was, she soon realized that no matter how much she wanted and how much she tried, she still couldn't force herself to numb the pain and look past the situation she was in. She didn't have a home anymore, she didn't have a job anymore. The little photography work she had done during the last few years was close to nothing, so the chance of booking some big shoots for herself was practically nonexistant. Not to mention the fact that she didn't even have a camera anymore since she decided not to go back to her and John's apartment. And as far as other job possibilities went, Cecilia wasn't quite sure how great they were for people without high school diplomas. Probably not too great.