Time Is Nothing (John Frusciante)

Chapter 48

110.

Cecilia stared at the number on the door in front of her and felt terrified. What is he going to say? What is he going to do?

After all that happened last week at the pier – what is he going to do?

She didn't have the slightest clue and she thought that perhaps she should have called first and made sure that he was even going to be home, but yet again, if she had called then what exactly had she said to him? Cecilia had no idea and she decided that it was easier to just show up hoping that he was here and get it over with.

This time it really had to be it.

Even if she still remembered the way that kiss felt and the way it tasted. And even if she could still feel his arms around her when she thought about it and even if she cried for hours after everything that happened. When she left the pier, she felt beyond confused and she felt beyond broken, because she saw all those tears in John's eyes and she saw him at his most vulnerable and most sincere. Suddenly, he was the person Cecilia needed beside her for years and she couldn't comprehend it and she couldn't understand it, but even if she had, it wouldn't have mattered anyway. There was no way things would ever get back to the way they used to be – too much had happened and too much time had passed.

Cecilia still stared at the number on the door and listened to the steady, yet anxious beat of her heart that seemed to fill the whole hallway. She felt nervous again. Even more nervous than the moment when she saw him for the first time after all those years, making her stomach turn and her mouth dry. She so desperately wanted to turn around and run away from all of it, but she knew that she couldn't. She had done it already enough and now, there was only one thing left to do.

She finally found enough courage in herself to knock on that door, whatever may come. This time, she decided not to hide anything, not to let herself put absolutely anything aside. She was wearing her ring and she was carrying the envelope between her hands as a some sort of a reality check. That way, she had no other choice, but to go through with the conversation she had been dreading for all this time.

Cecilia stood at the door and waited, but without an answer. She knocked again, hoping that perhaps he didn't hear it the first time, but she could already understand that there was nobody in the apartment. Of course, she thought in frustration and cursed her luck. Of course she should have called instead of just randomly showing up and now standing here like an idiot. What was she going to do now? No matter how much she tried, this situation just would not resolve itself, only exhausting her more and more. Feeling defeated by the odds and wanting to turn around and leave, she then heard a familiar voice suddenly speak her name.

Cecilia wasn't even sure where John had suddenly appeared from, but there he was – standing in the middle of the hallway with a grocery bag under his arm. He looked at her with a confused and perplexed expression and in Cecilia's opinion, with good reason. After all, she did leave him on that pier without any proper explanations about absolutely anything.

"Hi," she worded as she took a deep breath and could literally feel John's eyes pierce through her whole body.

"Hi," he only replied, clearly waiting for Cecilia's reasoning for being there.

"I uh.. I'm sorry for showing up like this," she apologized, "But I was hoping that we could talk. For real this time."

John only stared at her in silence, then finally nodded in agreement. He made his way to the apartment door, unlocking it and letting both himself and Cecilia in.

"I'm uh.. I'm sorry for running off the way that I did the other night," she almost mumbled as she watched John take his grocery bag into his kitchen area and put it away.