Time Is Nothing (John Frusciante)

Chapter 20

September 1990

"Uh, shit!" Cecilia cursed herself moments after knocking down her favourite coffee cup, the cup still filled with the warm beverage she had intended to drink in hopes of waking herself from her state of utter sleepiness. Groaning in annoyance, she cleaned up the mess she had made and then sat on a tiny chair that was placed right next to her small balcony table, staring at the pile of freshly shattered ceramics. For the whole morning, Cecilia had been an absolute nervous wreck, drinking a cup of coffee followed by yet another cup of coffee while smoking a few cigarettes on the side. It was the morning of the exhibition, and she had woken up early, far too early.

She couldn't believe that this day was finally here — the day she had anticipated for so long, yet also absolutely dreaded at the same time. She wanted to feel happy and excited. It was the biggest moment of her career so far, so why wouldn't she be excited? At least everybody around her were and Cecilia knew that she should be over the moon about this, but even as she tried her hardest, she just wasn't. Her joy was replaced with the pressure of other people's expectations, so much that she almost felt obligated to walk around smiling and saying how great everything was. The reality was different, though. She was still hurt and confused and hell, even angry at herself for allowing herself to get lost in thoughts about the one person that had been occupying her head for months. Tonight was supposed to be about her, yet Cecilia couldn't refrain herself from thinking about John. She couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of him showing up at the exhibition and to be frank, she felt terrified — terrified of what he might do or say, and even more terrified of how she would react. That of course, if he would even show up and if he would even say or do anything.

The Chili Peppers had been home from the tour for over a month now and during that time Cecilia hadn't heard a thing about John. She had been hanging out with Jessica and Anthony, even with Flea on one occasion, but not a single word about John had reached her ears, apart from that one time when Jessica showed up at the exhibition space and mentioned that John had been asking about her, causing Cecilia to experience something close to a nervous breakdown. She still didn't know why she reacted the way she did, why she felt like running away as fast as she could as soon as she heard Jessica mention his name. She remembered coming home from the gallery and just crying, crying for hours over everything, all over again. The pain that she had thought to have forgotten in Oklahoma was back in a blink of an eye, and she wasn't only hurt, she was also angry, so so angry. How dare he? How dare he even ask a thing about her after dragging a random girl into his room hours after leaving her? After she had begged for him to as little as only let her explain herself? John didn't love her. Cecilia was convinced that John didn't love her.

She soon picked up the pieces of the broken cup and walked to the kitchen, quickly dismissing them into the bin. She wasn't hungry, but she also knew that she had a long day ahead of her, so she decided to at least have a tiny bit of breakfast. Opting for a banana and another cup of coffee, she relocated to the living room and picked up a book in hopes of taking her mind off of things. She felt like she had to get away, even if it was only for a few hours and in her imagination.

*

"So, are you nervous?" Gus smiled towards Cecilia as they were taking a final walk around the finished exhibition, expecting the guests to arrive in around an hour or so.

"You have no idea," Cecilia nodded and smiled lightly, hoping that her jitters weren't too visible for him to notice.

"Oh, trust me. You've got nothing to worry about. I love everything you've come up with," he shook his head, "I don't think we have too much time until the guests arrive now, do we? So if you feel like having some final minutes to gather yourself, you can do that."