Time Is Nothing (John Frusciante)

Chapter 46

"He was there and it was him. It was really him," Cecilia breathed, tears falling from her eyes and her hands nervously fidgeting.

"Jesus Christ, Cecilia. Why did you have to go there?" Jessica inquired, the tone of her voice rather tired as she handed Cecilia a napkin so that she could dry her face.

"I don't know, I couldn't..," she mumbled, "I just couldn't let someone else do it. I just had to see him myself and make sure that he really was alright."

"I mean if.. If you say so. Did he at least sign the papers?"

"No," Cecilia shook her head.

"Excuse me, what?" Jessica rolled her eyes and took a deep breath, clearly expressing her feelings over the situation.

"We didn't really get that far."

"Isn't that why you went there in the first place?"

"Yeah, but..," Cecilia still sobbed, "We talked a bit and then I just forgot about those papers and when I remembered them, I didn't want to tell him about Rob and about anything and I felt like I needed to get out of there, because I couldn't handle it. And then I just.. ran off."

"This is exactly why I told you to send them with a lawyer," Jessica now took a napkin of her own and dried the few tears on Cecilia's face, "Look how upset you are. I don't want to see you like this."

Cecilia fell silent and stared at her shoes.

"Does Rob know?"

"No," Cecilia shook her head again, "I can't tell him about something like that."

"Alright," Jessica breathed, "So, what are you going to do now?"

"I don't.. I don't know," Cecilia whispered, "I'll have to figure it out."

"Well, you know what my suggestion is."

"Yes, Jessica," Cecilia rolled her eyes, "I know what your suggestion is. All of your's. Very well."

"We just want what's best for you, Cecilia."

"I'm gonna go now," she then suddenly stated as she stood from Jessica's couch, "It's getting late."

"Well, alright. Tell Rob I said hi."

"I will," Cecilia faked a light smile and gave her best friend a hug, then quickly made her way out of her house.

She was so tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. She was so tired of feeling like nobody understood her. And she was so sick and tired of feeling like everybody wanted to make decisions on her behalf. She wasn't a child anymore and yet everybody treated her like one ever since the incident that took her to the hospital and ended things between her and John.

Mentally exhausted, Cecilia sat in her car and stared at the sky. She felt like she couldn't breathe anymore and she felt like she couldn't move. She didn't even have the energy to lift her hand and insert the car key into the ignition. The past few days had been so emotionally draining for her that she actually wished that she could just disappear into thin air and exist in some parallel universe apart from this one, because this had become too much. Everything had just become too much.

The wave of emotions she felt after running off from John's place was something Cecilia couldn't even properly process, let alone describe when Jessica asked her about it. After leaving his building, she just sat in her car quite the same way as she did now, but then she cried and cried and then cried some more. Seeing him stand in front of her in all his vulnerability had ripped everything open again, all the wounds she thought she had managed to lick and stitch, but now only made her realize that all of it had been nothing more than an illusion. And she felt so confused and she felt so helpless, because she didn't want to hurt anyone and to be honest, she didn't even know how she was truly feeling about all of it herself either.