In My Life I Love You More

Chapter Thirty Four

       Two days later

Ring!

Ring!

Ring!

Ring!

Stumbling over to the white couch, John fumbled with the telephone and brought it to his ear.

"Lo?"

".......Hi John." Blinking, John fixed himself in a more upright position, wiping his eyes behind his glasses, attempting to sober up somewhat.

"Josie?"

"I just wanted to let you know, we're home. My Dad picked us up at the airport," She paused, and shuffling could be heard on her end, "How're you doing John?" She asked, genuinely curious about his wellbeing after she left so abruptly.

  She knew John wasn't the most stable man emotionally and no doubt her take charge of sudden departure would be affecting him negatively. A part of her almost called Paul to ask him to pop in and check in on her husband but she had squished the idea down, knowing there'd be questions on the curious bassist's lips.

"H-How's the babe doing?" John glanced around the room for a glass of water, hell a glass of anything to drink.

"He's good, really good. Had a little bit of rough night because his ears didn't pop on the landing but my mom gave me advice and it seems to have cleared up." Josephina sounded a little more relaxed when talking about Grayson, the child is a sort of barrier/safety blanket of subjects for the two to tread on.

"I want you to come back home." John, in his muddled consciousness, said quietly, forgoing masculinity of hiding emotions.

"John, try to understand that I needed to go home. My entire network is here, I had to get away from the British press, for my mental well-being."

"And what about my wellbeing. You know I can't function right without you. Angel please......." John hated the desperation that was auditable in his voice but he was grasping straws.

"Papi," John let out a whimper-like noise at the nickname and Josephina closed her eyes, biting her lip, she could tell, she could just tell, that he'd been using, "please tell me, Johnny, that you haven't touched that shit and put it into your body." The hope in her voice only worsened John's guilt and he slid from the couch, curling into himself, clutching the phone and the receiver in his arms.

"Angel, please." Josephina squeezed her eyes shut, gripping her pant leg tightly.

"What's wrong with you?" John flinched on the other side of the line, "why would you do that to yourself, John? Why? Do you want to die? Huh? Is that what you want? Do you want to leave Grayson and Julian without a father? Me a widow?" The anger and hurt in her voice were making John's head spin, his mouth drying like he'd eaten a handful of cotton balls while his stomach turned with nausea as her words pierced into his heart.

"Josie please stop." His hands shook as he glanced at the heroin needle a few feet away from him.

"No. You need to hear this," her voice was firm, "I swore to you on our wedding day, for sickness and in health, and by God, you're suffering from a sickness. You've been dealt a gift in life, John Lennon. You're a fantastic songwriter, whose music has touched the hearts and minds of billions of people across the globe. You changed the world's perception when you walked out on that stage on Ed Sullivan. Why would you ruin all that for a drug? I know you're better than this John and it hurts my heart, to know you're poisoning your body like that." Her voice cracked over the line and John wished at that moment that he could reach through the phone and hold her, both for her comfort and his own.

"What should I do Angel? Tell me and I'll do it, love." John felt like a drowning man, just barely able to keep his head above water.

  He bit back a sob, the idea of Josephina sending him divorce papers and never coming back to England frightened him to his very core.

"I want you to get rid of that poison. Throw it down the toilet. After that, I want you to go into your little studio and just write. Doesn't matter what you write, it could be a song, a poem, a short story, whatever. Just write. Whenever you have the urge to use, write," Her voice gentled as she heard John's rapid breathing through the line, "Johnny, mi amore, cálmate, cálmate. Listen to my voice okay? You're having a panic attack, but you need to calm down. Just breathe with me, okay? In and out, in and out...."

  Following her instructions, John complied, and within half an hour, found himself on the verge of sobering up. "I'm sorry I hurt you Angel I....." John apologized for the eleventh time, his temper disgusting him.

"I know John."

"I'm so sorry Josie...."

"I know lovie. I know." Her voice was melodic, and John wished he had a tape recorder on hand, he'd record her voice if he could and listen to the sound of it over and over again.

The sound of a baby crying on her end caught John's attention and he felt his heartache even more if possible. He missed his little boy.......

"I've got to go settle Grayson down John." John wanted to scream, to beg her not to hang up, to keep on the line until they could be reunited again, but he knew it would take baby steps to get to her.

"Alright, yeah.......I better head to bed, have to be in the studio early." He lied.

"I love you, John. Very very much." John squeezed his eyes shut.

"I love you too Angel." He said just audible for her to hear.

"I'll be back.......soon. I promise I wouldn't leave you didn't I?" She reminded him but it was never enough.

"I know........"

"Please take care of yourself, Johnny, if you won't for yourself, do it for me and our son. I'll call you soon okay Papi?"

"Yes, love." I can't do this. I can't do this alone. Heroin is all I have when you're not here.......

Click.

With that single, audible sound, John was once again alone. Alone in the house, with his aching heart and worst of all

    His thoughts.