In My Life I Love You More

Chapter Sixty-Two

Unedited.

 
-December 20th, 1980-

       Josephina's POV

Packing.

We weren't exactly sure when or if we would come back to New York, despite John's attempted murderer having been apprehended with a upcoming trial, The Dakota just felt tainted. New York felt tainted.

John had been the one to suggest we head back to California, and Clara and I worked for two days trying to pack all of our essential things we would be taking back to California (a majority would be remaining in The Dakota).

   After dinner and once the kids were settled in bed, John and I stayed up watching a late night movie as was our daily custom. During a commercial break, John had asked if I could grab some papers out of his drawer in his studio/work room.

  Which led me to see how messy the place was and thus, I ended up organizing it. As much as John would complain about me moving his things, he functioned better with less clutter.

It was in that clutter that I found a album with a paper bag over it, stamped with the words: Unfinished Music No. 1: Two Virgins.

Furrowing my brows, I pulled the album out and almost dropped it. On the cover, was my husband,l- about eleven or so years younger, photographed next to Yoko, both of them completely nude.

"What the fuck......" I blinked and quickly put the album back in the paper bag, setting it on the ground as though it had burned me to touch and I gripped the edge of the desk to steady myself.

I had heard of Unfinished Music No. 1: Two Virgins, it wasn't my personal favorite of my dear husband's work but the album cover had certainly never been that.

Staring at the offending piece, I picked it back up and carried it under my arm, marching to the master bedroom where I had left John.

When he saw me he smiled brightly, "thought I was going to have to send out a search party..." he joked, only to frown confused when he noticed how uncomfortable I looked.

"Do you love me John?" I asked plainly and his head cocked to the side in what I would usually find adorable but I was beyond livid at the moment.

"Of course I do love. What a ludicrous question." He gave me that sweet smile that was reserved for me and his children which only hurt my heart worse to even address this.

"Why should I believe you when you continue to do things behind my back!" I gripped the record tightly almost cracking it.

   John sat up more, with difficulty and a grimace, putting on his glasses to see me clearly, looking tired, either from his medication or general life. "What're you going on about Josephina?" He sounded tired as though this was a constant issue.

Shaking my head I threw the record at him where it landed in his lap. He looked down and I could have sworn his face turned turned three shades whiter.

"Where did you find this?" He was still looking at the album but didn't see the need to take it out of the paper bag in my presence. Good, he at least the drugs didn't burn his last brain cells.

"It doesn't matter. I want to know how you could have done that..... We were married in 1968 and that album came out in 1969. How could you have done such a-a disgusting photo shoot with that bitch while you're married to me?!"  I clenched my fists glaring at him and he looked back down at the album like a guilty little boy who had said a swear word not for the first time, but caught for the first time by his mother.

  "It was art." He said lamely, avoiding my eye guiltily and I felt my eye twitch.

  "So posing fucking naked with your ex girlfriend while you're married with a young child, for an album that everyone you and I, have ever known will see, was okay because in your superior John Lennon mind, "it was just art." I used air quotations and I could see John's eyes darken at my tone.

  "You're one to talk or have you forgotten that little Playboy photo shoot you kept from me!" He accused and my eyes widened before they narrowed dangerously at him.

"That was before I ever met you!" I grimaced at my own volume praying I hadn't woke the children, "did you-did you have sex with her that day?" I forced myself to look at him, eyes already beginning to brim with unshed tears.

"Angel, it was a decade ago, why bring this up if it's going to hurt you...." John's tone was soft, begging even, for me to see reason.

That was all I needed to know.

Closing my eyes, I wrapped my arms around myself trying not to cry. "What is so wrong with me, that you had to throw yourself on her again? That you choose that fucking bitch to be photographed with. Why does she have such a hold on you......Does my body repulse you that much John?" I whispered and John attempted to get out of bed but I waved him off.

"Don't bother. I have some more packing to do." My tone was cold and to my satisfaction, he flinched and I walked out of our bedroom.

I wasn't going to cry. I had cried plenty of tears for John Lennon and I wasn't about to anymore.

I didn't return to bed until I was sure he would most likely be asleep and that was around 1:00 AM. Sliding into bed, I laid on my left side with my back to him, gripping the bedsheet.

   Within a few moments I felt John's arm move around my waist, tugging me over to him with difficulty and having pity, I turned around to face him, barely seeing his face in the dark.

"I know apologizing isn't going to change how you feel." he started and I scoffed in agreement.

"No shit Sherlock." I scowled and listened to him sigh.

"I've been working on meself Jo, you know that. I swear on Julia's grave that was the last time I was with Yoko." I looked up at him.

   I was still highly upset but the fact he used his mother who I knew was a sensitive subject, proved to me how truthful he was.

"I'm not blind John. I know how you are. Cynthia told me about how you were when you were young. But you're forty years old John. You're not a teenager with the excuse to make so many mistakes over and over again. You have three children, one who is temporarily disabled and another who is a little girl. Is this how you want Emmy to grow up? Thinking it's okay for men to cheat and hurt their spouses? What if a guy did that to Emmy?" I asked him seriously and he answered without a second thought.

"I'd kill the bastard." I nodded although he couldn't see it in the darkness.

  "I need to know John, will I ever just be enough for you? Please tell me now before I give you another decade of my life...We can't do this to the kids.......You can't do this to us" I felt him reach blindly for my hands, and take them.

  "You're the only woman for me Angel. If knots dying has taught me anything, it's that life shouldn't be taken for granted."

   "I'm serious though John. If you ever do that to me again I'm not sure if I could recover." I warned him, and in response he kissed my hands before resting them on his chest, right over his heart.

  "I promise, outside of work, I'm done with her, with any other woman." I could feel his heart pounding beneath my fingers.

  "That's what you say John." I said instead and I could feel the hurt his eyes were expressing down at me, but I didn't care. He had hurt me enough to last a lifetime and I had just gotten him back after nearly losing him.

  Changes were going to made in his lifestyle for the better. I deserved better, as well as our family. Sometimes life changing events snapped people out of certain behaviors and I could only hope that was true in this case with John.