In My Life I Love You More

Chapter Fifty Two

Unedited.

John's POV

Like many times in the past, I spoke without thinking of the outcome of my words, 'words can hurt far more than fists John." I could hear my mother's voice in my head as I literally watched Josephina recoil as though she'd been struck.

The big brown eyes that I loved to gaze into most mornings didn't fill with tears like I expected, but instead I saw something far, far worse:

Hurt. Pure and raw.

    Without a word, she turned away from me, heading out of the room and presumedly to our bedroom, leaving me standing alone.

I kicked one of Grayson's toys at my feet, watching it hit the wall. Sitting on the arm of the couch, I removed my glasses, pinching the bridge of my nose. Why did I always have to fuck things up......

   Looking towards the doorway that she had passed through, I exhaled through my nose, and made my way to the dinning room to rummage through our liquors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\~~~~~~~~~~~~
  

  A good half hour later, I decided to face my wife. Walking up the staircase to our bedroom felt like I was walking through snow.

In my head I tried to organize my apology to Josephina but each one felt stupider and inexcusable. Part of me feared when I saw her, she'd be packing my bags, ready to send me on my way. Back to England, back to Yoko, back to a life filled with a drug-induced haze lacking genuine warmth and care. With someone who didn't see me as The John Lennon, but saw John.

I paused by Grayson's door and quietly walked inside to stand over his bed. Smiling down at my son, I brushed his hair out of his face and tucked his arms back under the covers.

  Closing the door halfway, I made my way to my bedroom, ready to face whatever treatment was in store for me.....

Shaking off the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, I rounded the doorframe, frowning at the empty bedroom.

  I checked every room until only my studio was left. Heading back down to the second floor, I walked the familiar hall where the door was half ajar, with music remitting from inside.

   It was a unfamiliar melody, filled with haunting pain, longing and love. It made me want to scoop Josephina in my arms and never let her go.

    Inside she sat, playing my Steinway & Sons Model Z upright piano that not too long ago I had composed Imagine on.

  "That's beautiful," I commented stepping into the room and she paused for a second before resuming her playing, "did you come up with it?" I continued and she shrugged, still with her back facing me.

  "Why? Are you going to get nasty again because I didn't tell you about it? Or because maybe I rushed it too much for your standards?"

  Ouch. Okay, I deserved that.

   Frowning, I walked closer, moving so I sat next to her, watching her slender fingers dance over the ivory keys. "Got lyrics for it?" I asked and she finally looked at me, setting her hands on her lap.

  "What do you want John?" She looked tired and I fought the urge to cup her face and kiss her, just to see her face light up.

   "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you like that. But you caught me off guard Jo." I tried to defend myself and she looked down at her hands and than back up at me, actually locking eyes with me.

   "Are you unhappy John?" Her question threw me off and I blinked at her owlishly, "I love you so much," she closed her eyes as she proclaimed those words, "but if you're not happy.....I don't want to cage you here. You being happy is my only desire. If it's not with me, I-I understand." Her voice wavered as she spoke, eyes  filling with unshed tears as she tried to smile encouragingly at me.

  "No, oh baby no, no." I denied immediately, pulling her close and tucking her head against my neck, her tears soaking my shirt but I didn't care. She gripped my shoulders, burying her face deeper against my neck. Rubbing her back, I kissed the side of her head.

  "There's no way I'd ever willingly leave you," I swore to her, pulling her away enough so I could wipe her tears, smiling sympathetically as she sniffed. My poor vulnerable little Angel......, "I've never been happier outside as I am when I'm with you by my side."

"I'm sorry, for hiding the gun from you and for never telling you about it." She apologized, reaching down to take my left hand in her's, thumb rubbing over my wedding band.

  "Just so long as you don't hide something like that again, let's call it squared," I offered and she nodded but I wasn't so convinced, "can you give me a smile? Just one little smile, convince me you've forgiven me in me old age." I put on a old man's voice, gettin the smile I'd been reaching for, along with a bonus, a laugh. She tucked her head back onto my shoulder, and I continued to hold her, right up until she fell asleep.

It was a moment like that, that I was actually seeing how helping Beau and Colt around the main house actually paid off. Easier than it had been three years ago, I managed to carry her up to our bedroom, reluctantly leaving her side to return to the studio.

I had meant it when I said the melody she was playin was beautiful and I couldn't rest without fixing it up a bit.

The piano as I expected, was still like we left it, however, I completely bypassed it, picking up acoustic guitar along with a pen and notepad, balancing the two writing utensils on the extra stool. Trying to remember the melody, I began to strum, humming to myself as I jotted down potential lyrics.

I never made it back to bed that night. Josephina instead found me slumped over the piano, my guitar discarded on the ground alongside me.

"Johnny....." I felt a hand gently shake my shoulder and with a groan, I pulled my face from my crossed arms, looking blearily at the foggy figure I knew to be my wife. She chuckled, reaching forward to put my glasses on my face and instantly her face became clear.

"Shite, was I here all night?" I looks at the papers scattered around me and Josephina came to sit on my knee once I turned around to face her.

"Yeah you did," she draped her arms around my neck, "now why don't you show me what kept you from our bed?"

"Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world?"

In the unlikelihood I don't update before New Year's Eve, I wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year when it arrives! Let's hope 2022 gets better than the past two years! 🥳🥳🥳🥳

Also if you're thinking about getting your booster shot, please do so as soon as you can! If you're unvaccinated, get your first or single shot! Let's end this pandemic!