In My Life I Love You More

Chapter Seventy One

   There are moments in our lives, moments that we wish more than anything, that we could disappear from the room. But we can't and whether we like it or not, we have to face them.

          
              Josephina's POV

  "You-you knew?" I forced myself to look at John who looked back at me with with a calm exterior which only frightened me.

  "Nothing gets by me. Everyone thinks because I'm "legally" blind, that I don't see things that're happening right in front of me, but I do...... I've known for a while now. Not too long after it happened actually."

"............."

  A nightmare. This has to be a nightmare.

"Paul's always pined after you, ever since he met you in a that field on the MMT filming. Never thought he'd actually act upon it, but the attraction was there. It used to drive me insane seeing how close you two were, what good friends you were all while knowing his interior motives......" John's eyes darkened temporarily before the look left his eye as he took a drag.

"When did you find out?" I had to know. I had been so careful not leave any trace or indication.... How could he have-

"Paul told me. While I was recovering in the hospital. Said the guilt was eating him alive. Begged for my forgiveness......"

  "Why didn't you say anything to me...... You've known for three years and you've acted no different..... Why?"

I couldn't believe it.

I just couldn't believe it.

  "Because you choose me. You loved me. You could have run off with Paul years ago, hell I wouldn't have blamed you. I was a bastard to you. Cheated on you with Yoko, always had her at the studio...... The drugs...... I-I Embarrassed you repeatedly. But you stayed with me. You cared for me after I got shot. You loved me even when I destroyed things in the house in my darkest moments during that time........ Another woman might've left, taken the kids and all. But you didn't. You forgave me so many times it would be hypocritical for me not to return the same sentiment to you." His gaze softened and he approached me.

  I hadn't realized I had began to cry until John wiped my cheeks with his thumbs. "I'm sorry John," I apologized, "I'm so sorry......I refuse to lie to you about it....I knew what I was doing. I knew that it was wrong, and I knew it was going to hurt you, but I did it anyway. It has haunted me ever since."

"I already forgave you Angel."

"How? How can you when I did something so unforgivable....."

"Honestly? I don't know. If this has been ten years ago, I might've let my temper take over....But when you've experienced being inches from death, what matters is put into perspective. I've realize that it's not worth it anymore. I'm too old to be a jealous twat about something that only happened once. I want to be with you. I knew I could continue to build a life with you. I want to spend the remainder of my life with you. You ground me- you remind me how nice a normal life can be......You're the one person who never left me Jo......," His words managed to release the floodgates and within seconds, I was in his arms, crying into his neck while John rubbed my back soothingly, "You're the most genuinely kind and loving person I've ever met and I know that you're sorry. I am. I've also hurt you so much that this isn't even a crumb to it. As long as you came back, nothing else mattered."

"I don't deserve you Johnny." I mumbled into his neck, gripping his shirt with a vice-like hold.

Never. Never would I let anything or anyone interfere or try to ruin our marriage.

  I knew that wanting John to forgive me was unfair. He himself had cheated on me repeatedly with Yoko and yet my one single action with Paul had me on my knees before him like a sinner confessing to a priest.

  "It's me who doesn't deserve you...." He chuckled sadly and tilted my chin up, "no more tears. You know I hate to see you so upset.......Nothing is going to  tear me away from you. Not a bullet or Paul McCartney." He kissed the top of my head and I curled even closer to him.

    "I love you John. So much." I held his cheek in my hand, my thumb rubbing over the faint crow's feet.

  "I love you too Josephina. Please don't let this eat you up anymore. Promise me baby."

"I won't......John?"

"Yes love?" He was petting my hair in an attempt to either soothe me, or him or the both of us.

"I think, speaking to a priest would be really good for us. For marriage counseling..... I know you're still not a true believer still and I don't want to pressure or force you into anything....."

"Okay."

"What?"

"Okay. If it makes you happy, helps you settle that overworking mind of yours.... Okay." He looked down at me with fondness only a marriage of fourteen years could cause.

"I guess we should get outside before Gabby lets Grayson try to drive the truck." I wiped my eyes for the final time, accepting John's hand to help me stand.

"Well he's a Lennon so he's bound to be able to silver tongue his way into the driver's seat." John winked and it had the same effect as it did in 1969.

He didn't let go of my hand as we made our way out of the bedroom, and I squeezed his lovingly as I closed the door behind us.

I guess he was right. Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. But it was the end of that horrible, horrible guilt that had been eating away at my soul for the last couple of years.

Finally I got to breath again. I got to be myself again.

This is not the end! I know it was giving final chapter vibes but no, we're far from over. So some of you might think John's gone OOC but truthfully, he's not the same John as a 20 year old John Lennon. He's matured and from what I've read about people who have survived near death, things get put in perspective and some change for the better.

Let's also be honest, with his record, who is he to judge her? -

M 🧡🍁🍂