Black Phillip vs. Monster Pig

Black Phillip Gets Bored and Plays Chess with Slenderman

While Monster Pig was performing his civic duty and got his COVID vaccine, Black Phillip got bored and decided to call up his old pal Slenderman to play a round of chess. Slenderman was super pumped because he was a chess master and also because he had gotten a fresh batch of hikers into his Slender army and so he had new recruits to hold down the fort back home in the woods. 

Slenderman was honestly kicking Black Phillip's ass at chess but Black Phillip didn't care, he loved the ominous silence and blank stare that Slenderman brought to the table. Slenderman used his tentacles to make himself a bunch of cosmopolitans while they played and got super toasted because he was trying to block out the reality that his relevance was waning. Black Phillip usually loved drunkenness, but it was making his chess game less fun and Black Phillip didn't like that. 

"Slenderman, wouldst thou stop imbibing on spirits?" Black Phillip asked. 

Slenderman just sort of gave that blank stare and cocked his head to the side. Black Phillip had literally no idea what that meant but he just accepted it because he didn't have the energy to fight Slenderman and he was trying to store some energy up to get into a pointless Reddit fight with some incels later. 

Right as Black Phillip got so bored he shed a goat tear, Monster Pig strolled back into the barnyard and clearly had some MRNA based vaccine coursing through his veins. Black Phillip got up and flipped the chess table over. It would have made anyone else mad but Slenderman really thrives off of unhinged energy and he had to leave because he got like a little horny and needed some time alone. 

Black Phillip knew it was time to fight and so he got everything set up. Like every good battle there needed to be royalty in place to watch and clap politely as their subject fought and there needed to be some fans in the stands to make it more interesting. The only American royalty available were Beyonce and Jay-Z and Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Beyonce and Jay-Z were too busy having heated discussions about what private preschool Blue Ivy would be attending so it seemed like Prince Harry and Meghan would be it. Meghan was super excited because after she escaped the weird British monarchy bubble she bought all these chickens she showed Oprah and was really going through a  farm phase. Prince Harry didn't care, he was just glad he didn't have to share space with Kate Middleton anymore and he could take a bike ride without getting permission from his clinically dead grandmother first. 

The fans were just all the folks from Tumblr when Sherlock and Doctor Who were a personality trait and needed something to enrich their lives ever since they couldn't use the tag "British men with cheekbones" and be effectively employed. Black Phillip was pleased and Monster Pig was indifferent. With everything prepared and the stage all set, it was time for a battle.