Black Phillip vs. Monster Pig

Monster Pig Has an Affair with Mummy Pig

After Black Phillip went to fuck it up at the local gay bar, Monster Pig decided to try his lot at one of those roadside bars you think only exist in movies and then you walk in and you're like "what in the David Lynch shit is this" and you stay because you're so scared you're immobilized. The name of the bar was "Rosie's Tavern" and the only person working was a snarky and world weary woman who looked like a human cigarette and aged five years for a regular person's one year. She looked up from wiping one of the oldest looking beer glasses imaginable with a rag that was new when Nixon was president and addressed Monster Pig as he sauntered in.
"Whaddya want" she croaked out, her voice sounding as if she had eaten a bowl of razor blades for breakfast.
Monster Pig just took a barrel of beer and started chugging it and the barmaid was so disgusted with life she let him do it. Monster Pig didn't stop until he was properly wasted and then he decided to strut his stuff around the bar. He was doing a slow and sensual stroll when he heard a slight whistle. Monster Pig turned to see Mummy Pig, mother of Peppa Pig, and last he checked married to that dolt Daddy Pig.
            "What's a bloke with a mug like yours doing in a dodgy place like this?" Mummy Pig asked?
            Even if Monster Pig really spoke, that sentence was so obnoxiously British he didn't know what the hell it meant. Monster Pig did notice that Mummy Pig was pretty hot thought so he walked over to see if he couldn't score tonight.
             "I guess it is a good night for a pint, innit?," Mummy Pig said while smiling and turning to the barmaid, "here's a fiver, I'll need one for me and my mate."
              Monster Pig didn't know what a fiver was but he was guessing the quality of the beer would be abysmal if it was enough to cover two of them. After handing them each two beers that looked like glorified piss, Mummy Pig told the barmaid to "sod off" which the barmaid didn't understand so she just stood there looking confused and ornery while Mummy Pig turned back to Monster Pig. Monster Pig somehow used his hooves to pinch Mummy Pig in a suggestive manner which caused her to let out a small oink (just fucking kill me, how am I writing this).
            "A little wankered and looking to snog are we?" asked Mummy Pig.
           Monster Pig was actually hoping to make out with Mummy Pig but snogging sounded kinky so he shook his head yes. What Monster Pig didn't realize is he had just begun an illustrious affair with Mummy Pig. What he thought would be a one night stand turned into a torrid love affair. Each night Mummy Pig would say something like "bloody hell I think I'm falling for you" or "I'll just tell Daddy Pig I was too knackered to go home" which Monster Pig guessed meant things were good.
               Monster Pig was genuinely confused when Mummy Pig said she loved him, especially considering Monster Pig doesn't speak and Mummy Pig talks like a poorly aged character from Monty Python. What Monster Pig thought this was, ultimately, was just loads of sex with another random pig he found at the bar. However, things thankfully didn't escalate when Mummy Pig had to permanently move back to that crayon drawn looking hill in England because private plane travel for an affair was pretty expensive with gas (I'm sorry, petrol) prices these days.
                However, what Monster Pig wasn't expecting was the note he got 9 months later. In it, was a photo of a piglet with he name "George" underneath. The note said that George was Monster Pig's love child with Mummy Pig. There was this story that he was named after this dork, Georgie, who was playing near a drain in the street when a clown started bothering him until a valiant pig leapt up and ate the clown. Monster Pig was pretty stunned because he definitely ate that clown purely because he was hungry and also because he really liked the idea of his lineage continuing on with absolutely no work or effort expected on his end.