Black Phillip vs. Monster Pig

Danny DeVito is People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive

The stage was set and everyone was ready to fight. No one actually knew what they were going to do because both Black Phillip nor Monster Pig really never beat up their victims in front of people and neither really talked in order to throw verbal insults. Harry and Meghan were sitting in thrones made of gently used VHS tapes of the original run of Twin Peaks and they were sipping on Barefoot wine out of paper cups. Monster Pig and Black Phillip went to the middle of the random field they found and sort of dug their hooves into the ground and made weird animal grunting noises. All of the circa 2013 tumblr. users were rapt with attention and they were super ready to blog this with wildly depressing Paramore lyrics to caption.

Black Phillip did that thing where he gets on his hind legs and erratically waves his head around and Monster Pig just sort of laid there. Monster Pig really liked for his prey to come to him and he was usually super alluring. Black Phillip ran and tried to gore Monster Pig with his huge ass horns. However, Black Phillip didn't realize how thicc Monster Pig was and his horns simply bounced off (now, as astute readers of shitposts, I'm sure you all are wondering, 'But JimmyNutron666, didn't Monster Pig just get a vaccine using a needle far weaker than Black Phillips satanic horns. Well theydies and gentlethem, Monster Pig allowed the COVID vaccine to puncture his skin because it's the only way this plot point is logical).

Monster Pig gave a sly smile and looked up into Black Phillip's beady little yellow eyes. The tumblr. users gasped and three Supernatural fans started crying. Monster Pig returned the attempt by Black Phillip by getting up onto his spindly little legs and clambered towards Black Phillip. Monster Pig bared his sharp teeth and went to snap at Black Phillip. Black Phillip rose up right as Monster Pig's teeth grazed his dark fur. Monster Pig was pretty exhausted from that level of exertion and had to lay down for a nap. Black Phillip only took an opponent sitting down when he was in for a good surprise, so he decided to go get some water from his witches in the corner.

Right as they were resting, a Homestuck fan screamed. Now, usually everyone would turn to look, but since it was a Homestuck fan, they just sort of rolled their eyes and braced themselves for more piercing screeches and over the top reactions.

"GUYS, DANNY DEVITO FINALLY WON PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!" squealed the Homestuck fan, her purple wig flying off in the excitement.

Now everyone turned their attention to the fan. Prince Harry and Meghan immediately called a day of rest in the spirit of the WWI Christmas Day truce in honor of such a monumental and legendary moment. People were crying and preordering the magazine en masse. The website crashed with the increase in traffic and Black Phillip and Monster Pig both were crying because they loved Danny DeVito so much. The Onceler fans, knowing that Danny DeVito voiced the Lorax, were literally crying so hard they were throwing up and all those girls that make Disney an integral part of their personality were quickly creating a shrine to the DeVito. The crowd offered a sacrifice of discontinued DVDs of Taxi and Matilda to the universe.

The festivities were wild and Monster Pig even got to eat some of the festival goers while no one was looking. Black Phillip also got three more girls to sign his book and Harry and Meghan even invited Tyler Perry to come and do some sets as Madea for everyone. It was such a good night and America was truly on the mend thanks to the this momentous occasion. However, that didn't totally heal the animosity between Monster Pig and Black Phillip, who were still looking for a fight.