It's Time

This Time

I watch as Spencer increases the space between us, filled with horror as I'm living in a movie I've seen before. I can't let this happen again; I won't. I love him, and my indecisiveness is destroying everything; it's killing us.

"Spencer, wait! Of course, I want to go to Chicago with you. I just wanted us to be able to talk about it first. It scares me to relinquish control, especially with you. I know I love you, but I'm still so guarded. A part of me remains in the past even though I don't want to. If I keep this wall up, then I'm not completely blindsided when things go downhill."

Spencer looks at me, but he doesn't say a word. I can't help but feel like we almost got away. The increasing doubt in my head progressively drowns out the silence that fills the air around us. Why didn't I just say yes when he first brought up Chicago? My unfortunate need to overthink everything was slowly becoming my kryptonite. Is this what it feels like to be in a doomed relationship?

"You think we're destined for failure, Liv?" He pauses.

"I want you; I want us. I'm willing to fight, but it only makes it that much harder when you're fighting against me instead of with me. I don't know what to do if you're going to keep running. Do we really have a chance?"

Pain shoots through every part of my body as I meet his stare. For a brief moment, lost in his eyes, I am grateful that a piece of me was still firmly planted in the past. When we can communicate without speaking, I finally remember the stillness. Everything has been happening so fast, and the one thing Spencer and I have always had is the ability to simply exist when the world around us was in chaos. For the past we days, we've been the chaos. We are just us right now. Spencer's gaze softens, and I know he feels it too.

"SOS," Spencer whispers as he reaches out his hand for me to grab.

I realize he's not using our safe word to re-center this conversation; he's fighting with his every breath to re-center us.

"Please," his deep voice begs. I reach my hand out to meet his as he yanks me towards him wrapping his arms around me. He sounds so broken, and he clings to me as though his life depends on it. "We can talk, Liv. Just pl...please don't let go." While I know he means it figuratively, I have no intention of letting him go literally either.

"Spencer, you showed up out of nowhere back in my life. It was the most enthralling but confusing moment because I was starting to get used to life without you. I chose you. I choose you. We just... I need us to be a team."

"We are a team, Olivia."

"Spencer, please, I need to get this out. You can't make unilateral decisions. I need you to talk to me, to include me. You chose to leave when we were in college because you thought it was what I needed. Then you show back up and tell me to come with you. Of course, I'd do whatever you wanted. You're the air I breathe, Spencer, and that is what terrifies me. You hold all the cards, and that can't happen this time. If we're going to have a real chance, you can't keep making decisions without me."

"Olivia, I never thought—"

"I'm not trying to harp on the past, Spencer. I just need to know that what I think matters too."

Tears now breach the invisible barrier that had formed, and I'm freefalling emotionally. I have been so afraid to express to Spencer that I was overwhelmed, so instead, I bit my tongue and let things fester. I want to do this the right way.

"How can I...uh we fix this?" The tremble in his voice shatters my resolve as his vulnerability breaks through. While I opened the door by expressing my thoughts, Spencer's body language tells me he absorbed every word I said with full gravity. His head rests comfortably on top of mine, but he is tense. His grip on me had gotten progressively tighter with each word I spoke.

I wiggle one of my arms from his grasp, reaching up to trace my thumb down his cheek. I smile softly as I feel him relax under my touch. Taking a step backward, I steal a glance in his direction. He was mulling over my words, the scrunch in his nose and creases in his forehead a dead giveaway.

"You mentioned the art scene in Chicago?" I blurt out in an attempt to ease the tension.

"Yeah, uh, they have a lot of...um."

I grab both of his hands in my own before leaning forward and pressing my lips to his. This kiss was so different from the previous ones we'd shared. It was laced with desperation and longing. We needed each other. Our lips linger for a moment as we inhale the magic that radiates from our proximity to one another.

"Can I ask you something, Liv?" I nod at him, my nose lightly grazing his. "Well, I was wondering how you'd feel about moving to Chicago with me?"

I let out a high-pitched giggle, playfully smacking his arm. "Spencer James, I go wherever you go."

Spencer scoops me up, spinning me around while placing kisses all over my face. "Let's go get you some winter coats, Olivia Baker."

"One condition," I let out through a haze of dizziness. "It's our new beginning, so we're getting a new place. Our place, our home."

Spencer places a tender kiss on my forehead, "no problem, boss," he winks at me.

——————————

I sit staring at Spencer with his boyish grin on full display as he inhales the sushi he's been craving. My phone vibrates in my lap, interrupting my daydream, and I look down, seeing it's my mom. I wonder if I can avoid her until we get to Chicago. She may have stayed silent about me and Spencer's reunion, but I will certainly open up the floodgates when I tell her I'm leaving California. I shoot her a quick text asking if I can call her later before allowing myself to get lost in Spencer's presence again.

"So why San Diego," I ask as I look around at Spencer's loft.

"California is my home, but I couldn't be in LA without feeling like I was suffocating. The air was so heavy, knowing that you were so close but just outside of my grasp. Everything good about LA is because of you, so I chose San Diego. It was close enough to my family but far enough from my pain."

Spencer slides me his phone, and I look at the screen full of house listings. I shoot him a quick glance, "you move fast, kid."

He reaches out to grab my chair, pulling it close to his. "I'm not wasting a single moment with you, Olivia." His voice is low and inviting. I know exactly where he's going with this, and I welcome the tease.

"Have room for seconds?" I ask as I grab the last piece of sushi, grazing it across his lips before bringing it to my own.

"Oh, baby. I'm just getting started."

I'd only been here for a short amount of time, but I was definitely going to leave my mark on this San Diego loft. Goodbye California.