It's Time

Time Fades

Spencer left for practice early this morning, giving me some alone time. Initially, I was browsing Pinterest for nursery ideas but thinking about the nursery only heightened my anxiety. Everything about the baby is just one more reminder that I have to call Cameron. I still think the call is a little premature, but it's important to Spencer, not to mention I promised him I'd do it. So, I plan to see it through.

My phone vibrates, and it's a text from Spence letting me know that he plans to run some errands while in the city. Truthfully, I'm grateful he's not coming straight home. Not only am I still searching for the courage to actually call Cameron, but there is a 0% chance I can have this conversation with Spencer's eyes on me. I quickly shoot him back a text wishing him a good time and including a list of a few things we need in the house.

I crutch to the kitchen for a small cup of coffee. Although I don't have my first appointment until later today, my midwife has an electronic messaging system and recommends that we reach out to her with any questions we have, no matter the time. Naturally, I wanted to know if I could have coffee. She would prefer if I drank decaf, so I put it on the list for Spencer. In the meantime, less than 200 milligrams of caffeine per day is fine, and I intend to take full advantage of her approval.

Taking a seat at our center island, my hand instinctively finds its way to my belly. I begin to think about the less-than-optimal timing and immediately feel guilty. Don't get me wrong, I already love this baby so much, but I can't shake the feeling that this pregnancy couldn't have come at a worse time.

All I want is to protect this little bug. In a perfect world, this baby would be coming into a much better situation. Our crazy life isn't this baby's fault, and I just want to shield them from all our mistakes.

I take a small sip of my coffee before unlocking my phone and opening my contacts. It doesn't take long to find what I'm looking for and before I can talk myself out of it, I tap the name.

"Olivia." Her face appears on my screen, and I let out a sigh of relief

"Hi, mom."

We stare at each other in deafening silence. I don't know where to begin. In all honesty, I did not think she would answer. I move my lips, but the only result is more silence.

"Liv honey, what's going on?"

"I'm pregnant, mom. And before you say anything, I know. I'm sorry for disappointing you again, but I didn't plan this. I... I didn't want this."

I'm overcome with emotion immediately as the words leave my lips, but it's the truth. I would never choose for my first pregnancy to be under these circumstances.

I don't bother even holding back my tears. My mother is the one person I feel like I can share my raw emotions with about this situation. Spencer has been so supportive, but he would never understand my apprehension.

"Oh, Olivia. Sweetie, it's okay. Your feelings require no justification. They never have."

Her final words are not lost on me. Clearly, our last conversation has played nonstop just as much in my mother's head as it has in mine.

"I'm scared, mom. Every time I allow myself to get excited about this pregnancy, the practicality of the entire situation washes out all my happiness, and all that's left is fear. Spencer and I just found each other again. And then there's Cameron." I notice myself dragging on, but my mom doesn't seem to mind.

"Pregnancy can be a scary thing, Olivia. It's perfectly normal to have concerns. Wait...Cameron? How does Cameron—"

Her words come to a sudden stop as realization washes over.