It's Time

James Party of 3... or 4

Spencer has been moving non-stop since we got back to the house. Our eventful trip to the emergency department confirmed that I have a broken ankle, but that is obviously the least of our concerns. A part of me thinks that Spencer is staying busy so that we don't have to discuss the elephant in the room. Did he really mean what he said in the hospital? Is he all in, no matter what?

"How's the pain? Do you need ice or anything?" I stare at Spencer as he moves about in the kitchen, never looking in my direction.

"Would you just come sit with me for a second, please?" The desperation in my voice must have been undeniable as Spencer instantly turned in my direction. He approaches me with slow, cautious movements before finally landing at the couch I've been stuck on since we arrived home. I pat at the empty spot next to me. "You're not going to break me, ya know."

Spencer's lips curl into a slight smile, and he takes a seated position beside me. I rest my head on his shoulder, and I feel them drop almost immediately. He lets out a long breath before running his fingers through my hair. Something is bothering him, and he's afraid to talk about it.

"It's okay if this is too much, Spence. I understand." The missing conviction in the statement immediately exposes my lack of commitment to the words I'd just spoken. Spencer remains quiet while still playing in my hair. I want to talk again, but I've already controlled this entire interaction. I have to trust that Spencer will open up to me when he's ready.

"So, I uh... I've been looking into some of the most reputable OB-GYNs in the Chicago area." Spencer's voice is so low; I'm unsure I would have heard him if his head wasn't resting directly on top of mine. This is unchartered territory we're in, so I completely understand his nervousness. I even find it kind of cute.

"Oh uh... obviously these are just suggestions. The OB will 100% be your choice. I just wanted to help. I want you to know I support you."

I tilt my face up to peck his lips. His innocent babbling is tugging at all of my heartstrings. "Spence, this is perfect. Thank you for looking into this. Honestly, I didn't know when or even if you'd want to talk about the baby situation. You doing this means more than you know."

The remaining tension he held onto leaves his body with each word I speak, and he slowly stops playing in my hair. "I guess it's a good thing I came on that run with you." Spencer lets out the most genuine laugh. That really was just a thought that accidentally escaped my lips, but I'm happy he understands my twisted sense of humor.

"Liv, I stand by everything I said to you earlier." The most intoxicating smile appears on his face as overwhelming gratitude invades my every emotion. "We're having a baby, Liv." A single tear rolls down my cheek, and sometimes I truly cannot believe we found each other again.

"Olivia, I know you expressed some concern about this earlier, but we should probably talk about Cameron."

I don't want to start this right now. We haven't even had the first appointment for the baby yet. I haven't even picked a doctor. Why does he insist on complicating this earlier than need be? I understand that a conversation about Cameron has to occur; I just don't know why that has to be right now.

"Do we have to do this right now, Spence? I mean, it doesn't change anything, so what's the rush on prematurely blowing up our lives?" I lift my head off his shoulder, attempting to place some distance between us. I know Spencer means well, but he's just completely destroyed this incredible moment we were sharing. I don't want to talk about Cameron, and more importantly, I don't want to put tangible thoughts into this nightmare that I could be carrying his child.

"I think you should say something to him soon, Liv."

"Why, Spencer? So you can slowly start putting one foot out the door? Are you secretly hoping this baby is his?" I can't pinpoint where the bitterness in my voice is coming from. I don't even believe the things I'm saying right now. It's almost like my defense mechanism is to start an argument so that I don't have to address the reality of our situation. The truth is, this baby is, more likely than not, Cameron's. We both know this.

Spencer rises from the couch, squeezing my hand before walking towards our bedroom. "I'm going to get the bed set up for you. We can continue this conversation when you're more receptive to actually communicating."

Damnit, Spencer. This situation is beyond messed up, and he's so calm. Disaster is unfolding in front of us, and he's all focused on healthy communication. Nothing about this is healthy. He disappeared, I forced myself to move on, he came back, and now I'm pregnant. Oh, and the baby's paternity is just that icing on this ridiculously shitty cake. Our fresh start is on a redeye to hell. How does he not see that?

I try to lift myself off of the couch, looking for my crutches. I know I should just ask for Spencer's help, but I'm too stubborn for my own good right now. He rushes over to stabilize me, and I push him away, causing me to stumble a bit. Spencer lets out a little laugh before stepping aside. "I've got it, Spence; you don't always need to play the hero."

"Oh, Liv! If there's one thing I know for sure, you don't need saving." He continues laughing as I angrily crutch past him. When I'm sure that my back is to him, I let out a soft giggle. I honestly cannot even take myself seriously right now. However, I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing I'm not actually angry.

I crutch into the bathroom, and I feel his presence not far behind. He reaches around me, grabbing the towel he laid out on the sink. "Let me help you get cleaned up." I don't have the energy to keep up with this charade.

"Fine."

"Spence, why is it so important to you that we talk about Cameron right now?" He's partially distracted, washing down my back, but he pauses to look at me in the mirror. "We left so many words unsaid the last time, Liv. I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. Of course, I want this baby to be mine, but Liv—" he pauses, and I shift my body to face him.

"We... I was terrible to him, Olivia. I could've reached out to you sooner; I should have. I honestly thought you wouldn't go through with it. I didn't think I could actually lose you. It was selfish to come back, and I did it anyway. If this is his baby, he deserves to experience as much of this pregnancy as he desires. We owe him that."

"I'll call him first thing tomorrow."

Spencer kisses my shoulder before squeezing his eyes tightly shut. "Thank you, Liv."

____________________

We lay in bed, Spencer watching film review from last season while I read the reviews of the OBs he found earlier. I really would love to have a low intervention birth, and there are two very well-regarded Certified Nurse-Midwives in the area. I save their information to the new file I've titled 'Baby James.' Spencer is right. No matter what a test says, this is our baby.

Spencer rolls over to face me before stroking his thumb down the side of my face. "I know there are a lot of unanswered questions about our little peanut, but the one certainty is that they're a part of you. So, that makes them a part of me whether we share the same DNA or not. They are already the luckiest kid ever."

I place several small kisses on his lips before allowing my last peck to linger. He rests his forehead against mine as the rhythm of our breathing synchronizes. He's the air the fills my lungs, and I can't imagine anything more perfect than me, Spencer, and our baby.

"We started filling these rooms way faster than I anticipated." Spencer smiles before stealing another kiss. "And if I have it my way, we won't be stopping anytime soon."

Leave it to Spencer to be thinking about baby number two when we haven't even had our first doctor's appointment for baby number one. I guess he really meant it when he said we wouldn't be wasting a single moment this time around.

"Do you want a boy or a girl?" Spencer inquires while staring up at the ceiling. "And don't give me that, 'I just hope they're healthy' answer because you definitely have a preference." I laugh because I was certainly going to give the generic healthy baby answer. Truth is, I've always wanted a little girl as my first child. A mini-me sounds like so much fun.

"Well, I want a girl."

I guess I was taking too long to answer. I smile at Spencer, who is still absentmindedly staring at the ceiling. I get lost in the fantasy of all the love we'll shower baby girl James in. I feel Spencer's hand rest gently on top of my belly, and instantly there are butterflies.

"There is nowhere I'd rather be than cuddled up in bed with my two favorite girls."