Wishing I Could Save Myself from a Life I Despise: My Shadowed Life Series

Chapter 23: Bonds and Warlocks and Spells, Oh My

Please enjoy the song... I was in a Maroon 5 mood today =D

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Recap chap 22:

What if I freaked out? What if it felt awful, like every other experience I had ever had? What if he didn’t enjoy it and I ruined everything because I was so fucked up and broken? I loved Max and I couldn’t do that to him. I felt tears welling in my eyes and I knew I needed some time alone. Time to think over my options and gather courage to do the impossible.

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Chapter 23: Bonds and Warlocks and Spells, Oh My

I wanted nothing more than to take that last step, but I was uncertain if I had it in me to follow through with it. I hesitantly pulled away from Maxim, muttering a goodbye and stating that I needed time to think things through. I softly pressed my lips to his warm and supple ones. It took everything in me to pry myself away from him. It was the last thing I wanted and above all, the hardest thing to accomplish. The draw of the bond was so strong, the agony was almost unbearable and I had only taken two steps away from him.

I struggled with myself and found the determination to continue to my room. Each step away from him was like a torturous walk through fire and broken glass. I barricaded myself in by locking the door and pushing the arm chair in front of it once inside. I made my way to the bathroom for a long hot bath, in hopes that it could bring clarity to the muddled situation.

The physical pain was growing, but that wasn’t the only thing that was more pronounced. I felt myself slipping into a depressive state, like none I had ever felt before, not even when Tristan died. The distance between Max and I had the strangest effect on my emotional state. It was as if he had died and I was in mourning, plagued by grief and racked with oppressive longing.

I settled into the hot bubbly water and sank deeper into a bottomless pit of despair. I noticed a silver glint in my peripheral vision. I slowly turned toward the item that was calling me, possessing me, compelling me. I placed it in my hand and held it carefully, twirling it in between my fingers. Just the thought of the sweet release of pain that I would receive from it caused a smile to break onto my lips. I pressed the cool, thin blade to my wrist, hesitating only for a moment before I would make the cut and bring about the end of my misery. But that moment was enough for a voice to break into my mind.

“Don’t!” The voice stated in a mix of anger and helplessness. It was that same voice that persuaded me to fight off Chester just a few weeks ago, the voice that comforted me and gave me strength.

I shook the voice away, determined to end the agony that the distance from Max and the realization that I would never and could never be free of Chester and my father had caused me. Again, I pressed the blade to my skin, preparing to make the first cut and longing for the carefree feel of the pain draining from my body with the hot blood that escaped it. That was what I wanted, to escape it all.

“Don’t do this to me Trinity! Don’t you dare leave me, I love you.” The voice begged first fiercely, and then it faded to nothing but a whimper. It was Max’s voice, beyond a shadow of a doubt. All of this time, it never occurred to me that it was him speaking in my mind. Could I do this to him? Could I take my life knowing that he would suffer eternally because our entwinement wasn’t completed?  I knew in my heart that I could never hurt him in that way.

I threw the razor harshly and watched as it bounced off of the wall and shattered the drinking glass that sat on top of the marble bathroom countertop. I resisted the urge to hurt myself. I did as he wanted and I hope he knew how difficult it was to do just that. I quickly got out of the bath and dressed, rushing to my bed and burying myself in the soft thick blankets, cushioning myself from the blow of the heartache and misery I endured from being away from Max.