A Court of Lightning and Shadows

Thirty-one

Briar had cried herself to sleep last night, Azriel humming softly to her until she drifted away.

She woke up before Azriel with her head pounding and her back throbbing. Normally, she would get out of bed the minute she woke up, but she couldn't bring herself to.

She wanted to bathe when Azriel was awake. She hadn't bathed in weeks now, even though Madja had cleaned her up.

Briar didn't feel like talking to anyone. They probably already knew what happened. No need for her to tell them the same story again.

She noticed how peaceful Azriel's face was, looking well rested. Yesterday he had looked completely exhausted, as if he hadn't slept in weeks.

"What are you thinking about?"

Briar's eyes snapped to his. She hadn't noticed him waking up. His wing was still laying over her like a blanket.

"Just.. thinking." she said.

Azriel hummed. "Are you feeling better?"

Briar nodded softly, "Yes." she quickly said.

Azriel's eyes narrowed, "Don't lie to me."

She sighed. "I feel like shit." 

"I'm glad to hear you talk just like you talked before." Azriel smiled at her. Briar let out a soft nervous laugh. "Does your wound still hurt?" he asked with a worried look.

She shook her head, "I think it has fully healed. My back still hurts though." She hadn't seen the scars on her back yet, but from the feeling alone she could tell it was bad.

"Do you want to do anything? Do I need to stay with you?" he asked.

Briar shook her head again, "Just do your own thing. I'll be fine."

"I only need to talk to Rhys. I'll be back after."

Briar nodded and muttered a soft okay. "I'm going to bathe in my room." she said.

Azriel placed a kiss against her forehead before she left the bed.

He had noticed the look on her face earlier. There was still fear and pain in her eyes along with much confusion. Briar had told him she was okay, but she clearly wasn't.

He wasn't only worried about her healing, but also about her mental state.

Azriel found Rhys in the kitchen with Nyx sitting on his lap. "You look a lot better." Rhys said with a grin.

Azriel sat down. "She's awake."

"Is everything okay?" Rhys asked.

Azriel shook his head, "She said she's fine, at least she tries to act like it." he said, "I think she's trying to hide it."

"What makes you think that?"

"Everything." Azriel said. "I found her crying and shaking in the bathroom last night after she had just woken up. Now she acts like nothing happened."

"She's trying to figure it all out." Rhys said. "Stay by her side. Make sure she knows you're there for her."

Azriel gave him a small nod.

"I think training would be good for her."

Azriel raised his eyebrows, "I don't think she's ready for that. Not right now."

"I do." Rhys said, "Even Nesta started enjoying training while she was dealing with her shit."

Azriel thought about it for a moment. Briar was now locked up in her room, with no where to go. She certainly wouldn't go out in Velaris and she didn't look like she would like to spent the day with Elain.

"I'll ask her if she wants to." Azriel said.

Briar stood in front of the mirror in her bathroom. The bath was already filled with warm water, but before getting in she wanted to see the scars on her back. 

She sighed and turned around, now facing away from the mirror. Briar pulled off her shirt and let it fall to the ground. She slowly looked over her shoulder, into the mirror.

Her heart sank as her eyes fell on her back. Scarred lines covered most of back. Some thinner, some thicker. Most of them looked rough. There were the scars she already had, where her wings used to be. Every scar on her back was proof of what had been done to her. She didn't need that reminder.

She hadn't noticed the tears rolling down her face until she met her own eyes in the mirror.

The circles under her eyes were really dark, even though she had been unconscious for a while. She had even slept a full night.

Her once warm tan skin was now pale. Too pale. Her body was thin, bones poking through her skin. She never had any curves or a fuller body before, but she always wished she had.

She hated to say it, not wanting to admit it, but she looked broken.

Now she understood why Azriel hadn't believed her when she said she was fine.

Briar quickly snapped her head back from the mirror and stepped into the bath. She didn't want to look at herself anymore, feeling more disgusted with every passing second.

She slowly lowered herself into the water. When the water hit her lower back, where the first scars started, she winced. It felt like her skin burned.

She softly lowered herself fully into the bath. Her back burned and throbbed, screaming for her to get out, but she couldn't.

Briar let her head rest on the edge of the bath as she stared at the ceiling. Memories flashed through her mind. She hadn't let herself think back to the moments she had spent in the cell. 

She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on top of them, letting herself cry until the water turned cold.

He didn't want to invade Briar's privacy by walking into her room, but she had been in there for almost two hours. He decided to give her some more time and return later.

Moments later, Azriel landed on the roof of the House of Wind. He found Nesta talking to Emerie and Gwyn, the three of them wearing their leathers and looking like they had been training.

Emerie waved at him while Gwyn gave him a soft smile. Azriel walked straight to Nesta. The female looked at him with confusion.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she asked.

"Am I not allowed to come here now that you own the House?" he said back.

Nesta smirked, "What is it?"

Azriel eyed Emerie and Gwyn. Both of them understood and walked away. "I think I need... advice." he said.

Nesta raised her eyebrows at him, "The great Spymaster needs advice from me." she said, "I feel honored."

Azriel let out a nervous chuckle. "Briar is awake."

Nesta looked more interested now. She had always shown some sort of interest in Briar. "Is she okay?"

Azriel nodded, "For now. I hope." he said. "You know I'm not very good with my.. words, so that's why I'm here."

Nesta crossed her arms.

"She doesn't show it, but I think she's in a really bad place right now. I can feel it through the bond." he sighed. "She doesn't want my help. I don't know what to do."

"Stay with her and keep offering your help. Listen to her."

"That's what Rhys said."

Nesta raised her eyebrows, "He finally says something useful." Azriel let out a snort. "She will open up eventually. Maybe not today or tomorrow. Probably not this week or this month, but she will." Nesta said. "I know it can be... hard to express emotions. I think you know that too."

Azriel kept looking at her. "She's your mate, Az. I know she understands that too. She will accept your help." Nesta said."Keep reaching out your hand."

"Thank you." Azriel said.

"I told you to come find me when you need anything." she said while she walked away.