the fuck it list

chapter 28

Ｌｉｌｌｉａｎ Ｇｒｉｆｆｉｎ

I sat on the now-empty football field, the game ended a few hours ago. The soft grass slides between my fingers. I lay down and stare up at the sky. I rip some of the blades of grass and let them fall from my hand.

My phone lays beside me, there are only a few texts, most of them from Addy. I pick it up, the harsh light blinds me. I open Snap and click on someone's story. The first picture is of the girl and her friends all holding red solo cups. In the second video, the music is loud and the lights are flashing, I hold my finger on the screen seeing Quinn, with another girl. I keep clicking through the story watching this teenager live her life.

"Hello?" a voice calls out.

I quickly sit up and look around. A shadowy figure moves closer, scrambling to my feet as I back away. I turn on the flashlight on my phone.

"Lilly?" he asks.

"Yeah," I answered wearily, still not able to make out the face of the person.

"What are you doing here?"

"Josh?" I ask as the person moves closer.

"Yes it's Josh now turn off your flash," his hand comes up to shield his eyes.

I turn off my flash and take a seat on the grass.

"Why aren't you at the party?" I ask.

He takes a seat beside me, "left my bag in the locker room. Why are you here?"

I shrug my shoulders.

"Why haven't you been in school all week?"

"Haven't been feeling good."

"Lilly?"

"Yeah?" I whisper.

"Talk to me, you're scaring me."

I lay down on the grass, "the stars look so pretty."

He lays down as well, not saying a word.

After a few minutes in silence, I take a deep breath. "Lets just say death and I have become friends," I whisper so quietly I don't think he heard me.

"What?" he whispers back.

"I have leukemia. I had it when I was younger but it came back I guess."

"What about treatment?"

"It's spreading too fast to treat and even if I did treat it, it would be detrimental to my health."

"Does anyone else know?"

"Addy is the only one I think."

"Do you know how long.." his words trail off but I know what he means.

"The doctors say the end of this year," tears flood my eyes.

"So four months, give or take."

I won't get to walk at graduation, go to college, get married, buy a house, have a child. My heart feels empty.

"I'm so, so sorry," his sympathy isn't something I want.

"It's easier to die when you don't have any people relying on you."

"Is that why you weren't at school?"

"In a sense, the fewer people that know about it the fewer people I hurt in the end."

"You would rather spend your days on death row by yourself?"

I let out a humorless laugh, "yeah."

A few tears slid down my face out of the corner of my eyes. I sit up angrily wiping away the stray tears.

"It hurts," I choke out. "It hurts knowing that even the shitty people in life have a chance at life."

I feel his arms wrap around me pulling me to him. "shh." he whispers into my hair.

"Don't say it's ok because it's not," I whisper.

I let him hug me, needing comfort from him. He returned to his place beside me. The warmth he gave me was gone, leaving me shivering.

"I have to go," he glances at the time on his phone.

11:34 pm

"Do you want me to take you home or are you good here?"

"I'm alright," I watched him stand up and leave the stadium.

Once again left alone.