Son of Night and Daughter of Stars

Chapter 47: The Honesty

Estelle couldn't stop sobbing, and it was only making things worse. She couldn't find the breath she needed to explain to Nyx what storm was roiling in her mind. All she could say, over and over, was, I can't, I can't, I can't. 

He didn't try to talk. She knew he'd let go of her, knew she could leave if she wanted to, and he wouldn't stop her. But she couldn't make her feet move. Couldn't make herself stop and just think for two minutes. She'd never let herself become this undone, not alone and certainly not in front of other people. She cringed to think about what he must think of her, shattering so completely like this over a stupid question. 

She ground the heels of her hands into her eyes, anything to avoid looking at him. "I can't care about you. I can't." 

She felt two callused hands circle her wrists, and struggled against them for a moment, but he pulled her hands away with little effort. When she blinked away some of her tears, she found that his eyes were rimmed with red, twin tracks of tears on his cheeks. The sight jarred her enough that she froze, blinking furiously. 

"You think I haven't been having the same thoughts?" He asked her, his voice strangled. "Gods, Estelle, I've hated myself for even thinking about you." 

"Then why would you ask me this?" She asked, swallowing another sob. Nyx shook his head. He looked so guilty, she wanted to reach out and take his face in her hands. But-- there was a clarity to his eyes now. That hadn't been there before. 

"I don't know," He whispered. "I'm sorry. I just... I didn't want to hurt you. I just had to know. It was driving me insane." 

Estelle gulped in a few breaths, trying to calm her pulse. It took her a moment, but she suddenly realized... that tightness that had been in her heart, that had been cinching tighter every day... it had loosened, just a bit. It was as if a film had been taken from her eyes, casting everything in sharper relief. 

"I know," She admitted to him. "Me, too." 

Nyx cracked a sad smile. "Maybe if we weren't both so stubborn, we could have avoided all this pain." 

Estelle made a noise that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh. "We weren't stubborn. We were afraid." 

Estelle's breath hitched at the way Nyx stilled, the way he was looking at her now. "Why were you afraid, Estelle?" 

Heat sparked in her chest, and she fought to stamp it out. Gods damn him, how did he say her name like that? Like it was a melody written only to be sung by him? "Because-- because I didn't want to cause you or me more pain. I didn't want to hurt you, as much as I thought I might--" She sucked in a great breath, her heart thudding so loud she wondered if he could hear it. Oh. She'd really been about to say that. Gods above, being around him made her so stupid. 

He slid his hands from her wrists, moving them until they were pressed to her fingertips. Letting her decide what to do with them. "You might what?" 

Estelle screamed at herself to move. To look away. To shove him off and run from the room before either of them said something that couldn't be taken back. Before she did something stupid, like following the path her horrible, terrified heart had laid before her, gleaming and bright and hopeful. 

But her feet didn't want to move. And, if she was being honest, her heart wouldn't let her. She'd been putting this off for far too long, running from what she knew was true in her soul, what had been growing there these past few weeks. A coward's move. Well, Estelle Whitethorn Galathynius was no coward. 

She drew her hands away from his, moving them instead to cup his face. If he noticed them shaking, he didn't say. Before her horrible mind could remind her you can't, she was dragging him down to meet her and pressing her lips to his.