Son of Night and Daughter of Stars

Chapter 39: The Want

"You stupid--" Estelle hissed, releasing the knife to the target. "Idiotic--" Another knife flew across the air. "Mindless, thoughtless--" Two more knives. "Day-dreaming fool!" 

Snarling, she hurled her last knife straight into the ground, raking her hands through her hair. She couldn't seem to calm herself down, no matter what she tried. And she'd been trying for hours. 

"This is what happens when you--" She growled and scooped her knife from the ground only to catapult it into the target. It sank into the hilt of a knife she'd already thrown, and Estelle would have been impressed with herself if she didn't currently hate the feel of her own skin. "Start to get attached to the first fucking male who was nice to you!" 

Feeling the need to throw something else, Estelle spread her fingers into a clawed sphere, summoning her fire and launching it straight at the target. It blasted into it, melting right through the woven rings and sending her knives scattering. 

It felt so good that she did it again, taking a step closer. And again, and again. Estelle threw her flames at the target until it and her knives and the grass around it were nothing but ash. She threw her fire until she was panting, her muscles aching and sweat gleaming on her brow. Finally, she stopped, her temper beginning to cool as all that heat was released from her blood. 

For one second, Estelle simply stared at the blackened circle she'd left in the ground. Then she slumped to her knees, burying her face in her still-smoking hands. She loosed a high, guttural groan into her palms, expelling the last of her frustration and guilt and anger. 

You don't get to care like that, She reminded herself. You don't get to make that claim. You need to focus on the here and now. Your kingdom, your mother, and your family. Not some World-Walking male. 

Somewhere in the back of her mind, a small voice whispered, surprising her. But I want to. I want to care. 

You can't. She repeated.

I want to. 

You can't. 

"I can't," Estelle whispered to herself, drawing her knees to her chin and wrapping her arms around her legs. "I know that." She sighed heavily through her nose, relishing the heavy ache of exhaustion settling into her bones. 

She hadn't had time to process what wants spun through her mind in that room. Hadn't had the presence of mind to stop her eyes from flicking to his mouth, as his had lingered on hers. Gods, the thoughts that had filled her head... her face burned with shame as she remembered how her fingers had longed to reach out and run through his midnight-dark hair. How she'd wished she could smooth his jacket down to see those tattoos always peeking out of his shirt. 

When had she become such a fool? 

Estelle ground her eyes into her knees, hoping the spots flickering in her vision would help her forget how confused Nyx had looked when she'd panicked and fled the room. Gods, she wished she could go back and take the time to explain. But explain what? It was nothing but a moment. They were both high on emotions, they--

No, she couldn't even pretend that excuse was true. The fact remained that she'd never felt calmer than when she'd been lying next to him, talking while he listened. She'd been so calmed by his presence, she hadn't noticed his closeness until it had been too late. 

Estelle groaned and pressed her hands into the side of her head, clenching her hair in fists. "What is wrong with you?" The words were a whisper. "One person doesn't dictate whether you can settle or move. You don't need him. You don't want--" She cut herself off, groaning again. There was no way to explain away what had just happened. She didn't know what she was going to say to him the next time she saw him. She didn't want to think about that yet. 

Estelle debated getting up to find her mother. Or maybe Odette. Either of them could help talk her out of his awful sinking feeling taking over her heart. But would they? Odette was a hopeless romantic. She'd say to follow your heart, but Estelle didn't believe in such nonsense. A heart was nothing more than the home of emotions and the herald of the thrum of life in her blood. It held no defined path to guide her. 

And her mother? She'd probably smirk and ask Estelle whether Nyx returned her feelings. Based on where his eyes had strayed... no. Estelle didn't want to think about that. She didn't want to think about any of it. She didn't want any of it. 

So why did it hurt this much to tell herself so? 

Shadow and Bone rant: 

My little Wesper heart has been screaming all day. We got our Wylan and Jesper together, for the first time, in a video, a selfie, AND A POLAROID. WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY THE SAINTS TODAY. Listen I knew both of them were gonna rock their roles, but literally from like 10 seconds of video and two pictures I can already tell they have the chemistry and talent needed to bring our favorite sharpshooter and demo expert to life as partners and as separate characters. People like to joke they cast Jesper as Jesper and Wylan as Wylan, but honestly, they kind of did! Kit Young and Jack Wolfe both embody their characters so well I'm SOOOO excited to see them bring my favorite Crow boys to life. Wylan and Jesper have always been one of my favorite parts of Six of Crows and I'm seriously dying over here thinking we won't get to see this amazing pair onscreen for at least another 8-9 months.