My Life, My struggles

Chapter 22

PLEASE READ THIS AUTHOR NOTE!
A.N. ~ Okay I just want to say this chapter may be triggering for some and I'm also not an expert on self harm and I'm sorry if I offend people that is totally not what I'm trying to do. I love you all and I care. If anyone is going through a hard time you can always talk to me. Also this picture is kinda representing the masks we wear to hide behind our pain which is fitting for same in the chapter. I hope you enjoy.
P.S. Sorry it's a little short and poor Jake :(
Also yay Ryan!!

Chapter 22
(Sam's pov)
-Sunday evening-

Skyler left around 11:00 saying he had to go to the store for his mom, but he'd call me later to check how I'm doing. I was sad he had to go, he's good company. So for about an hour now I've been laying here smelling my sheets because it smell like Skyler. I don't care how weird or pathetic that sounds, he smells good. Anyways there's a knock on my door, then in comes my brothers. I sit up and they sit on either side of me Jake has my pills I have for my concussion and a glass of water. I take them and thank him. They don't leave though, "What's up guys?" Neither answer right away. Jake clears his throat, "Sammy, we're worried about you. First at homecoming with the Brandon situation and now you were at the hospital and what's up with you and that Skyler dude..? Sis we just want you to talk to us. We love you and we don't want you to go through this alone." Each of them grab one of my hands, I tear up and then I can't hold it in anymore I just start bawling my eyes out. I pull my knees to my chest and hug them. Jake and Ryan are holding me, they know I need this to feel better and that's why they just let me cry. I know you think omg really it's just one high school boyfriend it's not like they were getting married.. The thing is I hold in a lot of stuff and don't tell anyone about it. I advise you not to do that. I whisper more to myself then anybody, "I hate myself." I'm an idiot though I forgot my brothers were here. I try to run away, I kinda yell at my brothers, "Let me go, I want to go!" They just hold me tighter and its Ryan this time, "I know what you're trying to do Sam, it's not worth it. Relax and take a few breaths." Him saying that and then Jake saying, "Shh Sammy, it's going to be okay. Harming yourself isn't the option you have to take. I love you so much and I will do anything for you just please don't ever say you hate yourself." I stop trying to run away, then take a few deep breaths and calm down my rapidly beating heart. I say shakily, "Hey, Jake can I just talk to Ryan for right now?" I see hurt flash across his face but he covers it with a smile. He starts to walk out but I stop him, "Wait!" I run over and give him a hug, "It's nothing against you Jakey. Thank you for being here. We can talk later okay? I love you" he hugs me back, nods and says, "Love you too." Then he leaves Ryan and I alone to talk. I go sit back down next to him, he immediately checks my forearms and wrists and in relief funds nothing. "Don't worry Ry I've only just thought about it. I thought maybe it would help, you do it." He sighs and puts his arm around me. I lean into his shoulder and he says, "Sam, I need you to understand something cutting is not a way out, it's only temporary relief for a long problem that is causing you a level of pain. Once you start though, it becomes an addiction. You always turn to it and it affects you strongly, mentally, and physically, you think you need it to survive. Please don't ever start because I can tell you it's a hard addiction to stop. I don't want you to go through what I'm going through with this struggle. I'm proud to say I'm two months clean, but it was tough and I'm extremely lucky to have been that clean." I nod, "Okay, I promise Ry." He smiles, "Good, now can you please let me in on why you broke down.. I want you to tell me everything sis."

So that's what I did. I told Ryan from when he left for homcoming and me waiting for Brandon to show up but he never did. Then I told him how Skyler picked me up. Blah blah blah. I told him about seeing Brandon with Lou and then everything that followed the slap, the running, the crying in the closet, the songs sung by me and Skyler, us dancing, then leaving and how Jake came running to the truck trying to explain but Lou came with and stuff. I also told him about that morning, the trip to the hospital, the whole diagnosis the doctor gave me, memoheartic included. I also told him I've kind off been struggling lately with people bullying me at school and how I've been really self conscious of my image and that I'm struggling with not seeing mom and dad all the time. I didn't tell him that I didn't miss dad though because he doesn't know about the beating dad gives to me. That's between Jake and I, we don't want Ryan to do something stupid. All throughout this time Ryan's arm is around my shoulder and he's side hugging me, listening contently. I finish and it feels like a ton of weight was lifted from my chest by just saying all of that about loud. He gets up and runs to his room, then come back with a journal for me, "Here, I want you to have this. I've been seeing a therapist, I should of told you and Jake but I didn't want you guys to know. My therapist told me I should try writing everything down that I'm keeping inside because by writing it down you aren't keeping it locked away inside but you aren't telling it to anyone accept yourself and that's a good first step, admitting it to yourself. So here take this and try it. If it doesn't work you don't have to, but try for a week and see how you're doing. This is what is helping me stay clean, instead of cutting my skin I write my hate for everything or my pain down in the journal." He hands me a dark blue journal that says, "Let it out" written on the front cover with some birds flying under the words. "I wish you would of told me, but I understand why you didn't. Thank you for the journal, I'll definitely try it out. Um and Ry do you think maybe I could come to one of your session sometime?" He nods, "Of course." I smile and hug him, "Thank you little brother. I love you so much! Also, good job for being two months clean I'm so proud of you." He says he loves me too." Then he leaves me room, I follow but run into Jake on the way out he's sitting on the floor next to my door. I say, "You heard all that didn't you?" He has a few tears running down his cheeks. He nods, "I'm a terrible big brother how can I not realize you guys are in so much pain, I'm horrible." He's taking this so hard, he's blaming himself. I kneel next to him and wipe his tears.
"Jake it's not your fault."
"Yes it is Sam."