all we have is now / feral boys fanfiction

~47~ karl

~karl pov~

"Hey Taegan, it's me." I chuckle a bit at how redundant she must think I am. "Again."

I take a deep breath, staring at the flowers around her grave. "I just thought I would talk you face to grave instead of through voicemails."

It's quiet with no answer. "How are you doing?" I ask her. "I hope the afterlife is treating you well. They should make you queen or something. I don't know how it works. I mean, are there other people? Have you chosen a time of solitude? What's going on there?"

I know no answer is coming, but it feels rude to not ask about her. She was always worried about others. It's time someone asked about her.

When it's been adequate enough time for her to have been able to answer. I know it's time to get on with the real reason I'm here.

I lean back on my hands as I talk. "I cancelled your phone bill, and the very next day I found your phone. What do you make of that?" I chuckle again at the irony. "I can't even go back to see my messages. I hope they're forever lost on your phone. Just so it's something between you and me."

I sigh. "I think I'm starting to accept that you're dead. I think it's really sinking in now that I'm not talking to you daily." I chew the inside of my lip. "That doesn't mean I don't miss you though."

"A lot, actually.  I miss you a lot. To the point where it's unbearable, but it'll get better. I hope." I take a shaky breath. "Eventually. I think as time goes on it won't hurt all the time, and it'll only be the occasional thing that sets me off. That's how it seems to be with everyone else."

I think for a second. I guess I should update her on everyone else, too. It's weird that for once I started with myself.

"George has a picture of wheelchairs in his room. I think it's to fulfill his promise he made at your funeral." I take a deep breath. "We went into your room today actually. It was really fucking hard. That's how I got your phone." 

I can see Alex taking a deep breath as he gets overwhelmed with so much Taegan. "Alex had to get some time alone after that. I don't know where he went, but I think he just needed some time alone."

"Clay misses you more than he'd admit. Don't tell him I said that though." I know there's only one more person to update her on, and I'm not sure I know if this one is a good one or a bad one.

"Nick went to Vegas." I stare at the engravings on the headstone. "No clue why, but he did. I think it might have to do with your trip. I think he wants to feel your presence again. I think we all do."

"We don't talk about your death. Ever." I pause for a moment. "Well, we do, but it's too much of a taboo subject. I wish we could just outright say what we're feeling instead of tiptoeing around it. I mean, you're dead, and that's not going to change. This isn't lore. There is no revival book. You. Are. Dead. I hate to admit it, and it took a long time to accept that."

I sigh once more. "We're all going through the same thing, and I know everyone deals with it differently. I just know you would want us to talk about it if you were here."

I suck air through my teeth. "Except you're not, and that's still a little weird for us."

I sit in my own little quiet. I have nothing more to say, but a part of me is hoping she might answer me. Maybe she's telling me to wait while she works her ghostly matters to get to me. Maybe I'm a little crazy and holding hope out for the impossible. It's probably the latter.

I have one more trick up my sleeve. If her ghostly self could come out, it would be because of this. I glance around to make sure that nobody's around to hear.

"Remember when you were two and you pooped in my lego house?" I ask her grave with a knowing smile.

I picture her jaw dropping in shock as I spill her most horrid secret.

"Yeah, that's right I won't forget." I rub it in just a little. "You. Pooped. In. My. Lego house. I mean, lifted the roof off and then put it back on after, too. You were a monster, Taegan Jacobs. My five year old self will forever scarred from having to dig my lego men out of your literal diarrhea-type shit."

"It's okay because I forgive you now." I shrug. "And I'll keep it a secret for you, but I will never forget."

"I know you're rolling your eyes and telling me to get over it." I roll my own as a picture of her doing so flashes through my mind. "And I don't think I will. It was traumatic."

I stay still for a solid minute. It didn't work. I knew telling the poo story wasn't really going to get her to work some ghostly powers, but I thought it was worth a shot.

"All right," I say as I dust my hands off. "I'm going to go, but I'll be back Taegan. You just... Just sit tight until I get back, okay?"

I giggle at my own joke, and I stand up. I turn to leave when I see Alex walking down the path.

"Just wanted to drop something off." He holds his closed fist up in the air before setting something down. I immediately understand where the small rocks are from.

"She's going to love that," I say, wiping my eyes with the shirt.

"I figured a lot was taken away from her," he says, "so I'd give her a piece of her favorite place."

I hold out my hand, and he takes it with no hesitation. We walk out of the cemetery. We have a mutual sense of fine-ness. We're not completely okay, but we're getting there. It's all about progress.

~author's note~

the story has finally been told... i had to rewrite this TWICE to tell it the right way.. still don't know if i did but oh well

just imagine opening the door to your lego house and there's a toddler's turd in it

anyways going with that note.. i hope you guys have an amazing day <33