all we have is now / feral boys fanfiction

~46~ alex

~alex pov~

My hands grip the steering wheel so hard that my knuckles are white.

Seeing her room was too much for me. I couldn't be there anymore. I couldn't be in that house period actually. I'm glad I got a rental car in Florida. Part of my subconscious knew I would at one point need to take a break.

I drive to a destination. I don't really know where I'm driving until I get there.

Taegan was really just ripped away from her life. She had things to do and people to see that night, but she never got to do them because of the accident.

She was supposed to be on stream with us. She had books she wanted to read. She had candy open and ready for her to eat. She had a life to be lived.

How many stories did she not get to read? How many sweets will she never get to eat? How many laughs could she have had left?

All limited and cut off because some idiot didn't call a fucking uber when he was drunk.

I climb underneath a fence. My eyes search for a rock that can fit in my hand. I pick on up and weigh it in my hand for a good measure.

I turn to the large rock overlooking the city. How many times has Taegan not gotten to look at this view because of that accident?

I bring my hand up and smash the big rock with my smaller one. It doesn't really do anything at all, but it helped my anger.

Who decided that Taegan was the one to die that night? Who decided to take the best person in the entire planet and run her over?

I hit the rock again with all my might.

Why her of all people? I don't understand. They could've killed a flower. It could spread its seeds and grow. They could've had a tree fall over. It could've been used for something else. But no. They took Taegan. The only thing that has seemed to come from her death is pain.

Tears fill my eyes as I repeatedly hit the rock.

Most of the time all I feel is hurt. I find reasons to smile, but they're only breaks between all the sadness.

Everyone else seems to be getting better too. They all can muster the courage to walk in her room without having to leave. I feel like I'm behind on everything. When did they all get okay? I'm not saying they're totally okay, but when did all their hurt start to lessen?

A few pebbles break off from the rock this time. I desperately grab them. I clutch them in my hand, trying not to lose a piece of Taegan's favorite spot.

I lean against the rock, and I look out at the view. This place scream Taegan. I can feel her all around me.

So many things were taken from her too early. She never got the chance to get married. She never got the chance to reach her goals. She never even got the chance to reach a million subs. Even if she didn't want those things. She should've had the choice to have them. Instead, they'v been ripped out from under her.

I sigh. The anger in my chest has subdued, but I don't feel totally better. I don't know if I'll ever feel completely fine again, but I just hope it'll feel a little less painful one day.

I stand up and look across the horizon one more time with the pebbles secured tightly in my hand. I have one more place I have to go.

~author's note~

guys tomorrow the story will be completed :(

but i do have a new story called 'don't look back' coming out the same day, and you guys should definitely read it!