all we have is now / feral boys fanfiction

~41~ karl

~karl pov~

trigger warning: panic attack (will be given warning before and after)

"Hey Taegan," I say after receiving the voicemail once again. "Just wanted to update you on all of us again. Do you remember your ex when you were like sixteen? Wyatt? Well I ran into him today, and he asked how you were doing. He had no idea what had happened. It was kinda funny. In a slightly sadistic way."

"Um, Mom and Dad are good. They're going on a trip somewhere up North for Christmas. I just don't think they want to be home for it, though. Clay and George are good, too. Nick's streamed twice this month, so I think he's finally making some progress. Clay also told me he doesn't wake up screaming anymore."

I chew my lip as I think of everything that's happened.

"Oh, Quackity posted this song. I think you guys must've worked on it together or something, but it's really good. We never get to hear his music, so it was nice. The fans seem to like it-"

My phone starts to ring.

"I'm getting a call from Nick, but I'll call you later."

I end the voicemail and accept the new call. "Hey man, what's up?"

"Hey, I was wondering what you were doing in like two weeks?" Nick asks.

"Two weeks? Um, I don't think there's anything important," I say.

"Would you want to come down to Florida?"

"Yeah, that sounds fun." I nod even though he can't see me. "Is everything good down there?"

"Um," Nick thinks for a second. "I think so. George and Clay are just kinda doing their own thing, I guess. I actually went out today for the first time since she died, like to a store."

"Really?" I ask, "Where did you go?"

"George and I just went to the grocery store," he replies, "but it's better than only going outside to check the mail."

"That's great, man." I giggle in excitement a little bit. "I'm so happy for you."

He laughs. "Thanks. I never thought there would be a day when that would be an accomplishment, but here we are."

"It's a good thing," I reassure him, "You went through something that was so hard, Nick. Not a lot of people could've been through that."

He sighs. "I still miss her, man."

"Me too," I say quietly.

"Sometimes I can't even focus on what I'm doing because I miss her so much, and other times I'm afraid I'll forget her. I know that's not possible, but it's still a worry."

"Yeah, I get that." I think back to my phone conversation with her just before this call. A voicemail I sent every single day for the first four weeks after her death. For the past month, I had to limit it to only three times a week.

"I think that's why I want you and Quackity to come back down so badly," Nick explains, "I just want something to distract us all. I feel like if we focus on it too much, then we're all just going to go crashing down."

I blow air out my mouth slowly. "I'm here if you ever feel like you're going to crash. Just talk to me and we can make it work."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," he sounds distracted by something. "I think I just heard George talking about dinner, and I don't want him eating my sushi. I'm going to go, but I'll talk to you later."

I giggle a bit at the thought of them fighting over uncooked fish. "Bye, love you Nick."

He stays on the phone but is quiet.

"You okay?" I ask him after a while.

"Yeah, sorry, um bye." He hangs up on me.

I smile a bit to myself at the thought of how happy he seems. He was able to go to the store. He seemed almost normal when he talked about George eating his food.

He's getting better.

I have to tell Taegan. I pick up my phone to call her again and tell her the good news.

It rings a total of five times. I frown when the voice doesn't sound like the usual beginning of her voicemail.

"The number you are trying to call has a full voicemail box. Please try again later."

The phone slips out of my hands and onto the floor. I don't even bother if it's cracked or not.

Her voicemail is full. All my messages were stored and never heard, so they are just sitting there. I can't talk to her anymore. I can't update her on how our lives are going. 

How am I supposed to communicate with her anymore?

I told myself not to wallow. I told myself that being sad wasn't going to help. I was doing so good, too. I helped everyone else go through their grieving period.

I gave myself the voicemails. That was what got me through the week. Everyone said that she would never be gone from our lives, but she is. She's not here in person. She's gone. The only remnants of her are six feet under ground in Florida.

~tw: panic attack~

A weight settles itself in my chest. I glance around the room for somewhere to sit. That's what you're supposed to do in this kind of situation right?

The floor sways under my feet. My chair is somewhere nearby. I was just near it. I sit but miss the chair.

I take in a shaky breath. I don't know where I am now. My hands dig into the carpet. I rock back and forth slightly.

How am I supposed to move on if she isn't here? She helped me get through these past two months. She helped me help everyone else. It was my way of coping, and now I can't do it? Now it's ripped from my grasp?

I take a shaky breath. My heart pounds through my entire body. I press my hand over my chest as if it would stop it from beating so quickly, but my hand is shaking so bad that I just end up gripping my shirt tightly.

Her phone.

Where's her phone? If only I could get her phone.. Then I could delete the messages.. Then I could still talk to her..

I stand up quickly. My head whirls around a little bit. I stumble over, hitting something hard.

My throat is tight. I can't breathe.

No, this isn't happening. She isn't really gone, is she?

Something is wrapping its hands around my throat and making it so I can't breathe. Why are they doing that? Who's doing that?

My hand touches my throat ever-so slightly. Nothing is grasping my throat.

I breathe heavily, trying to slow it down.

I close my eyes. Maybe if I can't see the world around me it'll disappear.

I breathe in once. I can't get her phone. I breathe twice. It's not here anymore. I breathe a third time. There's nothing I can do. And then a fourth. And finally a fifth.

I open my eyes. The world around me is out of focus. I wipe my eyes of the tears I didn't even know were there.

I focus on my breathing. Just breathe, Karl.

Just breathe.

Taegan isn't here anymore, and I have to accept that. I can't pretend to be okay with it and then call her later to deal with it all. I have to go through the same thing as everyone else.

And that means no more calls.

~end of tw~

~author's note~

for anyone who is confused because i'm not sure i described it well enough but karl was just really focusing on everyone else and not handling the situation very well and it kinda caused him to hit a breaking point

anyways hope you enjoyed :))